Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 2: Oven Baked Jalapeno Sweet Heart Poppers

After yesterday's fiasco, it was suggested that I try making either a cocktail or something that benefits from added bitterness. Instead, I ignored both of these good ideas and decided to try smothering them with cheese and wrapping them in jalapenos. I'm curious to see how the baking process and exposure to mild levels of capsaicin will effect the hardness of the candies, as well as how it will taste. I chose to go with baking instead of frying because there's really no need for these to potentially be horrible AND insanely high in saturated fat.

You need:

Sweet Hearts

6 jalapenos

3 oz of softened cream cheese

3/4 of a cup of shredded which ever cheese you like best

1/2 cup of all purpose flour

1 cup of bread crumbs

2 eggs

2 tbs of milk

Spices to your taste, I'll be using Fire Eaters' Piri-Piri Style Spices. because my super cool friend Mik got me some.

Cost - $10 - $20

Preheat the over to 350 and lightly grease a baking tray. Mix the cream cheese, shredded cheese, and spices to your taste. Onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and paprika would all be good choices. Coarsely crush up Sweet Hearts (I used 10) and mix into the cheese. I'd advise covering them and using a mallet. They're surprisingly, almost worrying, resistant to blunt force.

Rinse the peppers and hull them. You can cut them lengthwise, cut them diagonally through the center to make little tubes, or (as I did) cut the top off and hull it with a knife, leaving the pepper whole. 

If you want to make the poppers spicier, add the seeds to the cheese mix. Otherwise, discard them. Put the flour in one dish, beat the eggs and milk together in another dish, and the breads crumbs in a third. Line them up in that order next to the baking tray to make it easier on yourself. If you like, add more spices to the bread crumbs and eggs. I added black pepper and garlic powder to the egg and some more Piri-Piri spices to the bread crumbs.

Spoon the cheese mix into the peppers. If you kept them whole, cut the other tip off so you can see how full they are and to reduce air pressure while you fill them. The mix is a bit thick for a pastry bag so I just used a spoon.  The skin of hot peppers is smooth and waxy, so you may have to put a bit of water on them before coating. It's a bit hard to get even coverage, so don't worry about it too much. Coat them in the flour, roll them in the egg mix, roll them in the breadcrumbs until coated, and set on the tray. 

Bake for 30 minutes.

You show me someone who says that they can make jalapeno poppers without them exploding and I'll show you a fucking liar.

I'm shocked to say this, but it's actually tasty. The tartness baked out and the candy dissolved so the cheese filling has a sweet, almost cream cheese frosting-like flavor and it complements the other flavors nicely. They're so spicy too. I can't believe it. Sweet Hearts actually improved something! Stay queer!

Wasabi Kit Kat

One of my apt mates was kind enough to get me one of those wasabi flavored Japanese Kit Kat bars for Christmas. Apparently the Japanese took Kit Kat bars and just ran with the concept. Just ran with it with more balls than anyone in the States ever will.

 "Oh snap, now we have super big Kit Kats AND Kit Kats with peanut butter! Hope your brains don't blow up from that reality bomb I just set off in your skull!", cried Nestle's US marketing department.

Across the pond, Nestle's Japanese marketing department looked up from the sales figures for blueberry cheesecake, strawberry, green tea, watermelon, purple sweet potato, and soy sauce Kit Kats and said "That's cute, bro" while trembling with barely concealed laughter.

I didn't make those flavors up and there's like 200 more. Kit Kat similar to the Japanese phrase "Kitto Katsu" which, according to wikipedia, roughly means "surely win". Apparently it's like a little good luck treat. Apparently, they take their good luck treats seriously over there. Really, this just shows how fucking lazy and timid food companies are over here.

US Kit Kats are Simple Plan, Japanese Kit Kats are Gang Green.

US Kit Kats are System of A Down, Japanese Kit Kats are Celtic Frost.

US Kit Kats are Hawthorn Heights, Japanese Kit Kats are Fugazi.

US Kit Kats are Brokencyde, Japanese Kit Kats are Good Clean Fun.

US Kit Kats are Lady Gaga, Japanese Kit Kats are Emily Autumn.

Awwwww, that's cute! It's really good too! It's coated in white chocolate and you really can taste wasabi. The thing is, and this is probably for the better, it has the flavor of wasabi but not the heat. That's really cool. Your move, US Kit Kats. Maybe you could just make them bigger again and bundle them with a 24 of Miller Light.

Stay Queer!

Junk Food Soup

Once again we’re delving into the wide world of prison cuisine.  I was watching Lockup with one of my sisters recently and, occasionally, they show an inmate cooking. I caught a short segment of a woman making this and describing the recipe. I forget what she called it. Looked easy enough though.  She seemed to be in pretty good spirits, despite living in a shack outside in the Midwestern heat, in a prison that treats homemade sex toys as contraband, surrounded by presumably sweaty, and overheated women, at least some of whom were carrying surprisingly sharp knives made out of coffee cup lids and such.  I guess that means that this is relatively tasty or she just stopped giving a fuck about anything. I have mixed feelings about trying this. It has corn nuts, which are my favorite snack food, however it also has pork rinds, which are fucking nasty. I’m giving this recipe the chance to make them palatable. Upon reflection, this means that pork rinds are marginally less disgusting to me than raisins. I fucking hate raisins.

You need:

Corn nuts. Judging by the color, she was using nacho cheese, but all I could get was ranch

Jalapeno cheese dip

Pork rinds

Price range: $1- $10

Boil some water. Add the corn nuts and water to a wide mouthed bottle or jar of some sort. I think she was holding wither a Vitamin Water or Gatorade bottle. 

Ok, I guess that's not too bad.

Shake it up well. The water was opaque red on tv so presumably the goal is to mix the seasoning well into the water, and soften up to corn nuts a bit. 

You could almost convince yourself it's chicken broth.

Add the cheese to your taste and shake it up a bit more. I think she added about two tablespoons, but you’re presumably on the outside so go nuts. 

That is just disgusting...

Pour that mixture into the bag of pork rinds. I guess you could use a pot if you feel fancy. I don’t feel fancy in the slightest, but I am acutely aware of the fact that I’m clumsy.

It...it sounds like Rice Krispies...

I hate to admit it, but this is actually not bad. There is a hint of pork rind that I don’t really care for, but it’s tolerable. The corn nuts really make it for me. They’re softer, but still a bit crunchy. The cheesy broth isn't half bad either.  The pork rinds absorb the broth pretty well too. I know that sounds nasty but it’s better than how they usually taste. I think a version of this without pork rinds would be far superior but I don't know if I hate myself enough to make it in the near future. Rejoice, trailer park residents of the world! Your alpha snack food has been discovered! Stay queer!

Twinkie Wiener Sandwich

Do you want to know something totally insane?  I’ve LOST weight since I started this blog.  Granted, it’s not like I make most of this stuff more than once, but still.  I think I may be trying to see what I can get away with at this point.  In continuing with my quest to try weird food, we return once again to the land of the conveniently inexpensive, wacky snack foods.

Where did this one come from?   A little Weird Al movie called UHF. It’s gratuitously silly, and fucking awesome, and you should watch it.  In one scene Al makes and eats the titular snack.  I remember seeing it for the first time some years back and wondering what it tasted like, so why the fuck not?  Hm, Weird Al came up with a snack that is being featured in Allison’s queer blog.  Maybe it’s fate.

You need:

Twinkies: Big thanks to my friend Emi for getting them for me!

Hot dogs

Cheese whiz

Total cost: $1 - $10

It’s probably in your best interest to cook the hot dog first, but who am I to squelch your spirit?  There’s no need for words here. Let’s just watch the master.

You know, I read somewhere that Weird Al actually does enjoy these in real life. 

IT TASTES LIKE A CORNDOG WITH CREAM! :O

Holy shit…wow.  I think I just ate the platonic ideal of America.  This is the exactly the kind of grossly overindulgent, heart-attack-and-self-loathing-inducing, trashy, sugary, low class, lazy, unhealthy, fucking MIRACLE of the human mind that deserves a place on my blog!  Make this now, and then never ever do it again unless you lead an active lifestyle and generally eat right.  Oh, and you saw how he dunked it in milk?  That made it better!  Ok, maybe next week I’ll make something a little healthier.  Stay queer!

Rich Kid Prison Spread

For this post, I was actually inspired by the sickening commercialization of St Mark’s Place.  In the spirit of making things safer and more accessible to sheltered, rich, jerks at the expense of what made it cool in the first place, I’m going to take the prison spread recipe and get my gentrification on.  Ideally I would have gone to Whole Foods for the ingredients but, fittingly enough, it’s currently a bit out of my price range.  Ouch.  I’m going into this expecting it to be good.  I don’t know if I will have that wonderful decadence factor, but it will be healthier and with better, if more expensive, ingredients, so really I’m improvi- OH FUCK IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING HERE! (p.s.: This post only has the "prison food" tag to make searching for it easier.)

Ahem.

Anyway, you need:

Charmingly ethnic queso dip

Gourmet spicy Soy and flaxseed chips

Authentic canned sockeye salmon

Genuine Trader Ming’s Pad Thai

Optional: Hot sauce and spices.

Cost: about $10 - $20

Boil some water.  In a resealable container (for authenticity), combine the pad thai noodles (set the sauce aside for now)

the salmon

queso dip to your taste 

and a few ground up chips.  Hand grind the chips, just like the little people do. It'll show everyone how down to Earth you are, even if you do live in a $8000 a month apartment in Manhattan.

Add just enough water to cover it and mix it up a little bit.  Now seal the container and wrap in it in an L.L.Bean  sleeping bag or an ironically hideous sweater to cook.  Actually, the noodles are a bit thick for that so you can just boil it for a few minutes in a pot or one of those charming little electric tea kettles if you’d rather.

Drain off the excess water carefully, mix in the pad thai sauce and spices of your choice.  I added some habanero hot sauce and garlic powder.

Sweet, spicy, and cheesy.  It still feels decadent, but not in the same way.  It’s quite good, but it isn’t the cheesy mess of sodium that prison spread is.  Doesn’t look any prettier either.  I think the other recipes are a bit better, but my palette may just be unrefined or  damaged from all the stuff I’ve consumed for this blog.  Stay queer and kill yuppies!

Prawn Chips

This post is actually due to a happy accident because when I bought this...

...I was under the impression that the box contained potato chips or kernels flavored like shrimp.  I assumed that the choice of packaging was just a little marketing quirk.  Instead, I got this:

 

That’ll teach me no not read food packaging properly.  A brief scan of the back of the box reveals that you have to fry them. I’ve seen loads of weird flavored snacks in Asian grocery stores before, but never something like this.  Don’t you buy chips so you don’t have to cook?  That’s half the reason why people tend to stock up on chips before they get drunk.  If you rolled these out in the middle of a party it’d probably result in brns.  Although I suppose you could always relegate the actual frying to that one shirtless, drunk guy who tends to show up at gatherings of twenty-somethings and won’t stop yelling “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and that no one actually invited; he just thinks all parties are open and the beer is always free cuz that’s how it works in college movies and who will invariable sulk off, muttering insults under his breath like the naïve, entitled, little mommy’s boy shit he is when told to leave, despite the fact that there was absolutely no way he was going to hook up with any of the women there without the aid of rohypnol.  Then again, those guys tend to be terrible cooks, so you run the risk of a grease fire breaking out.

You need

Prawn chips

Oil

Total cost: $1 - $10

Heat some oil over medium heat. The chips are really thin but you want to be sure that they’ll be covered since the box says that you’re supposed to deep fry them. The actual frying is surprisingly cool. In a few seconds they puffed up, became opaque and lost some color.   

Transfer them to some paper towels to let them drain. 

Cool!  It’s like a puffed potato chip or a soft rice cake.  Don’t worry if a chip hasn’t puffed completely.  Any spots that look uncooked are just a bit crunchier, that’s all.  They have a buttery taste with a slight hint of prawn.  It can be a bit hard to notice at first but the more you eat the stronger it is. I approve. At first I was slightly annoyed that I’d have to fry them myself but I really like how they’re warm and kind of oily.  It's kind of cool that I have freshly fried chips too. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to market chips that you have to fry up yourself, but I guess that why I’m not rubbing shoulders with the snack food barons.  Stay queer!

The Curious Package from Colorado

Goodness!  It seems that mother has sent me a small package!  Whatever could it be?

 

Oysters?  Oh, I love oysters!  But why would mother take the trouble to mail me a tin of oysters all the way from Colorado?  What’s this?  It seems that there's something else in the oyster box.

 

Mercy me.

Yup, crickets.  These aren’t your grandfather’s crickets though.  These are bacon and cheese crickets, bitch!  These are for cool kids on the go who have to have their bacon and cheese flavor right in the crickets because they ain't got no time for slicing cheese and frying bacon between sweet jam sessions, skate boarding, and wearing sunglasses regardless of whether or not they need them! I’ve been wanting to branch out into bugs lately, so this is as good a start as any. 

It’s got a nutty flavor to it and it’s very crunchy.  It's a bit like a dried soybean actually.  The hint of cheese is nice, but I don't really taste any bacon.  If I gave this to someone who was blindfolded they’d probably like it fine.  It’s not gross and it doesn’t have a weird texture or anything. That's all I really have to say about them but it’d be a shame to end so briefly.  Let’s see how it stacks up with some other foods.

OREO

No noticeable difference other than a faint nutty flavor.  If you smush it down, it doesn’t look any different from a regular oreo.  Not bad for a practical joke.

Mustard

Mustard + cheese + cricket = delightful!

Ice cream

The texture reminds me of praline crunch ice cream and it only had a faint aftertaste.  Again, not bad for a practical joke.  These things are like whoopie cushion of the animal kingdom.

Tuna

Not at all bad but canned tuna that’s crunchy is somewhat unsettling, especially considering the redundancy of adding bugs to tuna.  Stay queer!

Prison Spread Deluxe: The Second Offense

I'll give you all a moment to stop rolling your eyes...

Done?

Ok.  I found a more complicated prison spread recipe!  The basic one I made earlier was good but I didn't really explore.  It would be like making a vanilla cake and saying “Ok!  That’s all for cake!  No need to experiment!” if I didn't try another version.  Also, I’m broke.  Anyway, this particular recipe is based off of something called “pork rind soup”. The process this time is a bit more like what you'd have to do in prison.

Well, guess what?  We have another record breaker!  My search for pork rinds took me to 6 and was fruitless.  I’m actually happy about that because I hate pork rinds and the amount I needed would have left me with excess.  

You Need

Doritos: .50

A spicy beef stick of some sort

Hot sauce

Mayonnaise

Spicy nacho cheese

Ramen

Cheez-its

Pickle relish

Total: $1 - $10

Make yourself some ramen, but don’t add the spice pack yet.  While that’s cooking, dice up the beef stick and set aside some chips and cheez-its.

If anyone cares, that's about a half serving of cheez-its

Drain off most of the water and transfer the noodles and remaining water into a ziplock bag.  Crush up the chips and cheez-its and microwave your nacho cheese for about 20 seconds.  Now add the crushed chips and cheez-its, cheese, diced beef stick, a spoonful or packet of relish, a spoonful or packet of mayonnaise, some hot sauce and the spice packet to the bag.  Seal it and knead the bag to mush the stuff together.   

 

Now wrap the bag in a towel and let it cook for about 5 minutes.

Ohh, that is mad spicy.  I like it.  You can taste the cheese more than in the first recipe.  It has a sticky, soft and creamy texture.  The chip chunks are soft, but not soggy and the slim jim is less chewy.  The relish adds an occasional small hint of sweetness.  I think too much of it would have made it too sweet and overpowered the cheese.  What’s nice that that the relative scarcity of the added chips and meat means that it’s very distinct when you get some in a mouthful, so the flavor is somewhat dynamic.  Gotta admit, I didn’t expect this recipe review to need this much depth and complexity...or any at all to be honest. Stay queer!

Prison Spread

“Spread” is a general term for ramen + whatever the fuck else (usually other junk foods from the commissary) cooked with hot water in a trash or ziplock bag.  I figured I should explain that straight away because people react to the term "prison spread" with varying degrees of apprehension whenever I bring it up. Microwaving may be involved depending on the prison and the prisoner’s level of privilege.  Apparently it’s very popular and it’s easy to make enough to share with cellmates.  This is my second foray into prison food.  I’ve been looking into prison food recipes a lot lately because they're so easy and inexpensive. You know what I noticed?  Prison snacks tend to display creativity, whereas dorm food tends to display laziness.

That’s a bit telling, isn’t it?  Meditate on that the next time you’re writing yet another unappreciated screenplay/short story/ sonnet/ song about two Williamsburg twenty-somethings trying to come to grips with their feelings of mutual attraction while being faced with with the soul-crushing ennui caused by living in a world where consumer culture is so prevalent and poisonous that the only way to rebel against it is to ravenously indulge in very worst and most tasteless parts of it and look down on others who do so without irony.  Please do so for twice as long if there’s also a subplot about one or more characters reconciling with rich parents that never understood them.  You know, the one you have that’s totally going to blow people’s minds and open their eyes to the corporate dystopia and social stagnation that only you were special enough to notice?  (I’m VERY happy to be done with college. Can you tell?)

*Ahem*  Yeah, so prison spread…

You need:

Top ramen

Nacho cheese

A can of tuna

Hot sauce

Pretzels

Total cost: $1 - $10

Ok, I know I said that this is usually done in a trash or chip bag but frankly I just don’t want to.  I’m cheating and using tupperware. This is my reward for not being too big a nuisance to rich, white people. Anyway, start by breaking up the ramen in the bag.  Dump it into the bag or container and set aside the seasoning packet.  Now, add your can of undrained tuna.   

You can either add pretzels to it as it is, or you eat the spread on them.  Hell, do both if you want.  I think I’ll use them for dipping though.  

Add just enough hot water to cover it, seal up the bag or container and let it sit for about 2 minutes, more if you want softer noodles.  While that cooks, heat up your nacho cheese in microwave, if available.  Once the spread is done cooking, drain carefully drain off about half of the excess water (or don’t, it’s up to you) and add the cheese and seasoning packet.  Top with hot sauce and mix it up.

Awesome.  It’s like the best chip dip ever. It’s a spicy cheese dip with soft pasta and meat after all.  Like the slim jim surprise, it’s ridiculously filling works well as a comfort food.  You know what?  I see no reason why this should be kept in the domain of prison.  Set this shit out at a party next to a big bowl or pretzels or tortillas chips.  Yeah, it’s not fine dining but, if anyone complains, just invite them to read what goes into pate sometime.  There are a ton of ways to make this too.  Add whatever you want.  Mayo, popcorn, jalapenos, veggies, etc.  There’s no one recipe for spread, it seems like ramen is the only consistent ingredient.  For the sake of authenticity, stick with stuff you can get in prison, barring things like toilet sangria…unless you’re over 21 of course.  Stay queer!

Slim Jim Surprise

Say what you like about prisoners, but they can be damn creative when it comes to food.  Prison cuisine is inexpensive and relies on ingredients that you can find at most gas stations, making it ideal for a shiftless, lazy, delinquent such as myself.  So, without further ado,  let’s take in all of the exotic luxuries of prison, with hopefully fewer shankings and destroyed futures.

You will need: 

A slim jim or similar beef stick

A bag of regular corn chips

A bag of spicy corn chips or puffs of your choice

Water

Total cost: $1 - $10

I’d like to mention that I had to go to FIVE stores for this recipe, which is the record. Apparently this part of Long Island is too good for slim jims.

Officially harder to get than instant jellyfish and quail eggs.

Feel free to use whatever brands and flavors of chip you want, prison cuisine isn't terribly delicate.  As I understand, the important thing is that the snacks are corn-based and that at least one of them is spicy.

Before we begin, I should let you know that this is SHOCKINGLY fattening.  I didn’t expect a wad of chips and beef jerky to be healthy or anything, but I’ve clocked this at about 910 calories and 59% of your daily sodium requirement.  I mostly blame the Fritos.  I plan my caloric intake around my blog posts but for fuck’s sake.  No wonder there are so many porkers on those real life prison shows.

Anyway, once you’re done apologizing to your body, crunch up both bags thoroughly and mix them together in one of the bags.  Never did I ever think I’d be glad that bags of chips are mostly air. Oh, that's another cool thing about prison cuisine; few to no dishes have to be cleaned. 

Add about an eight 1/8 of a cup of hot water a little bit at a time.  Heads up, the bag is NOT a good insulator.  You want just enough that the chip crumbs turn into a thick mush.  If necessary, drain off any excess water.   

Hungry yet?

 Cut or rip the beef stick into sections shorter than the widith of the bag.   

Now cram those into the mush.  Try and get them into the center and covered.   

If only the evidence had been hidden so well...

 Now tightly wrap the bag closed and rolled down as far as it will go.  Let it sit for about 5 minutes.

 Rip the bag open and ta-da!

It's kind of like a tamale (which makes sense because another, much more depressing, nickname for it is "prison tamale") and I’m really surprised at how well it’s holding together.  It’s a little bland though.  Hot sauce makes it better and the slim jim keeps it from tasting too boring.  It’s isn’t bad per se but it’s less tasty than each of the ingredients separately.  The flavoring of the chips is kind of lost so it's like a big wad of unsalted corn chip.  Then again, compared to prison food I’m sure it’s great.  I will admit that it is pleasantly warm and very filling so it’s probably a decent comfort food, which is half of the point of prison cuisine.  I get the feeling that I would like it much more if I were really drunk.  This thing seems like it’s specifically designed for the munchies.  Stay Queer!