Kiwano AKA Horned Melon

Horned melons are native to Africa and are currently also cultivated in parts of the US, South America, and Australia. So why have you probably not heard of it?

Well, it's just not very popular, to be honest. This one was 2.99, which is a little bit pricey for its size and not so flattering reputation. The pulp is pretty much entirely edible seeds suspended in little packets of flesh, sort of like a pomegranate, which is not always what you want from your melons. It looks cool though.

It smells kind of like an under ripe banana crossed with a cucumber. It's not a very strong scent, but it's definitely distinct. It tastes like a combination thereof with a hint of citrus. It's very juicy and hydrating. Kiwano are one of very few sources of water in the Kalahari Desert during the dry season, and I can certainly see it being useful in that situation, but not so much in cooking. The texture is sort of like cucumber seeds suspended in aloe vera jelly. Overall, the effect inspires a resounding "meh". There's nothing really special about kiwano, aside from its appearance. Emi described it as the cousin Oliver to the pomegranate’s Brady Bunch. Same idea, no one really likes them. Stay queer!

Ugli Fruit

It's pronounced “ugly”. Yes, that was intentional. Ugli fruit are Jamaican and are actually trademarked. You should see these things when they're not ripe. Blugh. They're this gross, uneven shade of green. They look like something you'd find in a giant's handkerchief. Apparently, this fruit is the product of hybridizing grapefruit, oranges, and tangerines. They're pretty big too.  

For the sake of scale (and adorability), here's an ugli fruit next to my flat mate's cat, who is slightly larger than average.

One fruit cost $1.99 and I'd never seen one before this Spring. I was looking for Korean melons and I found a big pile of these eyesores. The one pictured is easily the best looking one I could find. Still, looks are no reason to assume that it isn't tasty. The rind is thick and loosely attached to the fruit. It's very easy to peel, you can do it in one big piece pretty easily.

It has a pleasant and zesty citrus scent. Kind of like a cross between an orange and a lemon. The wedges are also quite easy to pull apart. What it lacks in looks, it makes up for in ease of use. It's got a light, tangerine-like sweetness with an undertone of grapefruit, which is quite nice. The flavor starts off sweet and ends tart, which is kind of cool. I don't really like grapefruit because it's just too tart, and I think this would be a nice alternative for people who feel similarly. It's actually tastes very similar to a cocktail that I'm fond of called Pang's Punch. I realize that only like 15 people who read this will know what the fuck that is, but that's probably 10 more people than will actually read it, and 4 of those five will have had one recently anyway. Stay queer!

Pickled Pig's Feet

Remember those halcyon days of youth? Watching mother make pickled pig's feet for her next ladies luncheon? That anticipation you felt as she soaked them for 4 days prior to cooking? The wonderful scent of vinegar and pig's feet that overtook the entire house as she boiled them for 2 hours? The innocent pleasure of anticipating sharing your favorite snack with your beloved pet, Mr. Piggles, and wondering when he would be back from his trip to that farm upstate?

I know, I know. That was a long time ago. Now you have more important needs for them, such as taking the traditional brace of pickled pig's feet to a potential sweetheart. (Remember, this sign of affection knows no gender!) Perhaps even setting out a tray for your children and the other neighborhood kids, after they've spent a long Summer day practicing their twerking and photobombing.

I know, dear reader, you're wondering how you can find the time to make them anymore, what with all of those town hall meetings, chaperoned school trips, and long hours working at the soda fountain. Fear not! 

Modern technology has blessed us with jars of ready to eat, piggy goodness for a modest fee! Yes, grandma Kleinpfeffer would be just chagrined at the prospect of buying them instead of making your own, but that's why you put her in that home in the first place. Yes, that reason specifically. I know that you don't want to talk about it. We don't have to.

You need:

Whichever jar of pickled pig's feet seems to have the most fight in it.

Cost: $1 - $10

The scent of vinegar and pork is fucking weird. Have you ever gotten into a really old, really shitty jeep what belonged to some redneck that lived way up in the mountains? That's kind of what it smells like. I know that's a weird and specific description, but just trust me. It's extremely tender and you can easily rip it up with your hands. Still has hairs on it too. The texture is kind of similar to pork fat, only much more easy to chew through. It's extremely vinegary, so I'm having a little bit of trouble tasting the pig through it. If you like vinegar, they aren't bad, but that's really all it is. It just punches you in the face with vinegar. If vinegar-soaked fat appeals to you, I guess this might be a good thing for you. Granted, there are lots of ways to make pickled pig's feet. I'm sure this isn't the best or most nuanced one by a long shot. I give this product a solid "meh". Stay queer.

Maison du Fou

This recipe was inspired by the constant misrepresentation, denial, deluded bragging, and outright lying that people do online. In addition to the concept of deception, this sandwich is based on two of the more famous French sandwiches: the croque-monsieur and the pan-bagnat. I invite the gourmands and gourmets among you to take a shot whenever you feel your soul hurt, which will be pretty often.

You need:

A small baguette or similar roll

Miracle Whip

imitation crab

turkey bologna

swiss cheese

cocktail onions

imitation bacon bits

egg beaters

Total cost: $ 10- $ 20

Slice a small baguette or whatever similarly proportioned roll you could find at the local bodega in half. Lay both sides flat. Preheat an oven to 350.

Spread Miracle Whip lightly on both sides. Note that the croque-monsieur is made with a white sauce and Miracle Whip is white; ergo fuck it, same thing.

Cut three slices of precut swiss cheese and three slices of turkey bologna in half and distribute them evenly across both halves of the bread, with the cheese on top of the bologna. Swiss is just gruyere’s less pretentious cousin and turkey bologna is like the ham of the proletariat, so really we’re just taking sandwich-making back from the fat cats.

Place about 2.5 oz of imitation crab on top of the cheese on the bottom slice. Imitation crab is pollock dressed up all fancy-like, making it superior to the lowly tuna, which is only ever used to imitate dirty vaginas. Put that in the oven for 10 minutes on a baking sheet lined with tin foil because fucked if you’re doing dishes today, what with all of the tv there is.

Scramble up one serving of egg beaters, adding whatever spices you prefer. Note that hardboiling eggs must not be all that great since you can’t hardboil eggs from a carton and cartons are the only type of packaging that the government nanobots can’t penetrate. Add some cocktail onions. They will add a touch of class and surely signal to your beloved that you will both be sipping martinis on the beach just as soon as that hapless Nigerian prince is able to recover his inheritance. True, they do not come in cartons (Cocktail onions, that is. You’ve never seen a Nigerian prince, so you can’t be certain.), but it’s good to diversify. It keeps your mind open, unlike all of those heckling bastards online who were too narrow-minded to understand that your PhDs in homeopathy and faith healing make you an expert on oncology.

When the sandwich has finished cooking, carefully place the scrambled egg beaters atop the pollock and give the whole mess a generous sprinkle of imitation bacon bits. Chipotle sauce is also recommended.

Cut the sandwich in half, give half to your girlfriend, put Lars and The Real Girl on yet again, and wonder why your lover hasn’t said anything in the three years it’s been since you assembled her. Enjoy it with a nice, lukewarm glass of wine product.

Huitlacocha AKA Cuitlacocha AKA Smut Corn Breakfast Burrito

It's pretty amazing what humans can eat. It's even more amazing that we can take so many seemingly gross things and make them tasty. More amazing still is our ability to take a gross thing, which is objectively rotten, infected, or otherwise spoiled and sell it for an inflated price. Welcome, friends, to the world of smut corn!

Smut corn starts out its life like any other ear of corn until, one day, it's infected with a charming little fungal disease called "ustilago maydis", which enters the ovaries of the corn and replaces the kernels with big, mushroomy tumors. The name "huitlacocha" roughly translates to "sleeping shit". So, these are sleeping shit corn ovarian tumors. Nom nom nom! It's important to harvest smut corn before the fungus runs its course because, near the end of it's life cycle, the tumors are filled with spores, which hurts the texture and flavor of the tumors, and sanity of everyone within a 20 foot radius, unless they pass a DC 25 will check. Of course, as an avid consumer of hot dogs, my disgust is purely playful. There's also no way that this could be grosser than raisins. BTW, you'll have left over smut corn since this recipe is too big for one burrito so either refrigerate the excess or have some friends (or enemies) over and a make a day of it. Depending on tortilla size and how full they are, you could probably make somewhere between 4 and 8 burritos.

You need:
A can of smut corn
A small onion, 2 cloves of garlic and some serrano chilies. 
Eggs
Tortilla
Salsa
Oil

Cost: $10 - $20 because a can of smut corn cost me $7.99. This (sleeping) shit is EXPENSIVE unless you live right near where they cultivate it or you have your own little plot of diseased corn. Oh, by the way, smut corn does occur (I was gonna say "grow" but "occur" seems more appropriate) in the US but it's almost always thrown away; there have been targeted efforts here to eradicate ustilago maydis. What don't Big Pharma and the corn magnates want us to know??

Chop up your veggies and heat a few tablespoons oil in a skillet over medium heat. Sautee the onion and garlic until the onion is translucent, which should take about 3 or 4 minutes. Add the diced chilies and sautee them for another minute or two. 

Doesn't that look nice?

Now add your smut corn.

Huh, I see where the name comes from now.

Stir it constantly for about 6 minutes. If you over cook these things, they get slimy. The only thing worse than tumors in your burrito is slimy tumors in your burrito, amirite? Take that off the heat and set it aside.

Here's what an individual tumor looks like.Fans of Final Fantasy X might find this vaguely familiar.

Beer bottle is for scale.

Just for a quick break from the unrelenting horror, here is a picture of my room mate's cat, chilling in a box which we have dubbed The Dread Fort, along with his second in command, Moose Bolton:

The sign reads "No Girls Allowed". It's his man cave, you see.

Anyway, in another pan, melt some butter. In a bowl, beat two eggs and add seasoning to your taste. Transfer the eggs to the skillet, add a few large spoonfuls of the smut corn mixture, and quickly scramble the eggs.

Transfer that to a tortilla, add a nice big dollop of salsa and wrap that bitch up.

Huh, not bad by itself. Kinda like spicy, mushroomy, black beans. It's awesome as a burrito filling! The texture is very soft, the closest comparison I can give is refried beans, but it's not as thick and sticky. When you bite into a tumor, it's kind of like a sauteed onion filled with a mushroomy and almost kinda cheesey thick cream inside of it. It's better than black beans actually and it's delicious with the eggs. Wow, if you get the chance to have smut corn in a burrito or quesedilla, fucking go for it. I devoured this thing. I just wish it were cheaper here. Lesson learned I guess: maybe if someone compares someone or something to shit, they only mean aesthetically. Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 3: Sweet Heart and Anchovies Pizza

Yeah, you heard me. Time to get back to making these things edible. Why anchovies? Because so many people don't like them, maybe they'll work well together, like those two weird kids at school that no one else liked. Also, the salty and sweet might contrast nicely. In defense of the poor, maligned, anchovy, they're only gross if you don't cook them properly or if you just really don't like salt. For those of you just joining us, I've established that baking sweet hearts in cheese makes them taste much less chalky. Science! 

Just to be safe, the pizza will be half crazy bullshit and half cheese. No sense potentially wasting an entire pizza.

You need:
Anchovies
Sweet Hearts
Cheese
Sauce
Pizza crust: I'd advise using premade dough or making your own since it's cheaper and better than a premade crust.

Cost: $1 - $10

It's pretty simple, just put your toppings on and follow the directions on the crust to see how to cook it. In my case, 12-15 minutes or until crust is golden brown at 450 on a lightly oiled pan.

Huh, that came out prettier than I expected.

Good lord, I actually had it pegged right. The buttery, salty flavor of the anchovies DOES blend well with the sweetness of the candy. I mean, it's weird, but it's not bad. They're still a bit firm but not nearly as hard as they normally are. If you don't like the taste of sweet tarts or anchovies to begin with, the combination isn't going to magically make itself appealing to your pallet. This is really only for people who already like both of those things. Still, I'm 2 for 3 on these so far. My world view is collapsing. Stay queer...

Scorpion Lollipop

For Christmas, Emi got me a scorpion lollipop. 

Mixed messages there, but whatever. The "Bugs" label has been pathetically underused on this blog anyway. Best ingredients list ever by the way.

I hope they didn't bullshit on the lollipop bit and expect the scorpion to carry the whole deal. That'd be lame. That's the problem with novelty foods, they don't expect people to actually eat them so they usually blow. I do like that name though. It sounds like an insult that Yosemite Sam might aim at a no good varmint of some kind. 

I'm happy to report that it smells like cotton candy and it's actually okay. It's got that "we can't decide if it's supposed to be strawberry or watermelon" thing going on. Tastes a little like cotton candy too. It's not all that sweet but you don't want to drown out the complexities of the scorpion (of which I assume there are many), right?

They way it's positioned in there, the head sticks out a bit before the rest of it, as if to say "HEY, BUDDY! NORMALLY I'D BE KINDA MIFFED THAT YOU'RE EATING MY HOUSE, BUT YOU SEEM CHILL" (scorpions are known for their lack of an indoor voice). Scorpion has a surprisingly coarse texture, at least compared to the lollipop. The claws and legs are a bit pointy so watch yourself. It doesn't really feel edible, but yanno, exoskeleton and all.

The friendly little corpse is very crunchy, but has no distinct flavor. Maybe it's just because the sweet drowns it out, but I don't think anyone is melting the candy off to savor the sweet, sweet taste of scorpion by itself, so I guess it doesn't really matter. The organs are slightly chewer and that last big bite is kinda gross tasting, but only because the flavor is suddenly cut with a lot of crunchy nothing.

So, scorpion will not put me off food, but it also won't sell it to me. You're welcome. Stay queer!

Michelada (F'realz this time)

Ok, I said I'd try to make a proper michelada so here goes. There are a ton of recipes for it online and it seems like every single one is accompanied by some stupid argument about how authentic it is.

"Don't use tabasco sauce, use cayenne and diced jalapenos!"
"Fuck that, why didn't you add clamato juice?"
"That's not a michelada, that's a chelada. Also, you're supposed to add tequila."
"No it's not! That would make a michelada cubano and why aren't you using salsa?"
"There's too much lime, use lemon."

And ON and ON and ON. Apparently, the details of a michelada vary from region to region. It's a bit like a bloody mary, except people are really particular about how their version is THE ONE TWUE WAY of making it. I'm sorry if I seem frustrated, but I spent like a half hour trying to find a recipe that didn't seem to piss anyone off and I failed. So, here is a recipe I found somewhere (I can't find it again for some reason). It's automatically rendered inauthentic because I'm a Caucasian American in New York using ingredients I bought locally so at least that takes some pressure off.

You need:
A cervesa (I used Modelo Especial)
Coarse salt
Hot sauce
Worcestershire sauce
Soy sauce
A lime

Cost: $1 - $10

Cut a wedge of lime and slit it in the middle. Run it around the rim of the glass to coat it. Salt the rim of the glass and fill it half with ice. Squeeze the rest of the lime into the glass. Add a few dashes of all of the sauces to your taste and pour the cerveza over it. Emi was kind enough to model it.

Holy shit, this is so much better. The relatively light flavor of the cervasa is mostly covered by the sauces and they all blend together nicely. Unlike the awful lemon blitzkreig in the last post, the lime is more subtle and zesty. Of course, most beer drinkers know that lighter beers and lime are bros, so that's not too surprising. It actually tastes refreshing and I'm reminded a bit of a bloody mary. The people who made that mix need to be slapped. That said, it's not really that great. I found myself wanting a bloody mary instead of another michelada, but that might be because I'm a vodka woman. I don't generally like cerveza that much either (I prefer stouts) but I will say that it tastes better in this than it does straight. If you are a fan of cerveza then you'll probably like this. I bet it's really nice on a hot day. Stay queer!

Michelada Mix

I need a little break from Sweet Hearts, as my mind shattered a bit when I managed to make them taste good. I kind of thought it wasn't going to happen. In the meantime, Emi brought me one of these the other day.

A michelada is a beer that's been prepared with spices, lime juice, and various types of peppers and sauces. You serve it in a glass that's rimmed with hot sauce or chili pepper or whatever and it's considered a hangover cure by some. I've also been told that I would do well to make one with a Corona. Unfortunately, I knew none of that when I tried this. I though "michelada" was the brand name. My flat mate, Emi, picked it up for me because me and beer and spicy usually get along. I'd never seen anything like this before. By the way, this is one of the best packaging warnings I've seen in a while:

Why? After reading that, I had to immediately open it and see if that was legit.

And it totally, totally was.

The red stuff around the top, which I initially just thought was some color to play up the whole "spicy" thing is actually chili powder. Apparently you just dump a beer in it. It didn't offer any suggestions and, as I said earlier, I didn't know that a michelada was a thing so I didn't bother to look up a suitable type or brand. I decided to use natty light because I feel like using good beer in my posts would be kind of inappropriate in most cases. Also, it smells like raisins. I fucking hate raisins. When I added the beer it began to pop, fizz, and bubble in a way I have never seen, nor have I ever wanted to see.

It still smells like raisins too. This thing is a bit of a roller coaster. First, you taste the spices around the top and think "Oh! I love lime and chili corn nuts!". Then you're all "Chili peppers and bad beer is a little weird". That's followed by "I seem to have bitten into an under ripe lemon without noticing and now I am very sad." Then you finish with another wave of the second reaction. It's really more of a lateral shift instead of a straight decrease in quality, but it's not very good. I had to drink this much more slowly than I normally would have because I think the overpowering lemon would have made me ill.


Also, I could be wrong, but I think somehow this made it more intoxicating. At least it feels that way. Maybe it's because of the chili pepper or the fact that I've had to sip it?

So yeah, this was kind of awful, but now that I know that this is a proper beverage and not some lame novelty, it would be unfair to assume that micheladas are gross. I think I'm going to make a proper one and compare it later. Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 2: Oven Baked Jalapeno Sweet Heart Poppers

After yesterday's fiasco, it was suggested that I try making either a cocktail or something that benefits from added bitterness. Instead, I ignored both of these good ideas and decided to try smothering them with cheese and wrapping them in jalapenos. I'm curious to see how the baking process and exposure to mild levels of capsaicin will effect the hardness of the candies, as well as how it will taste. I chose to go with baking instead of frying because there's really no need for these to potentially be horrible AND insanely high in saturated fat.

You need:

Sweet Hearts

6 jalapenos

3 oz of softened cream cheese

3/4 of a cup of shredded which ever cheese you like best

1/2 cup of all purpose flour

1 cup of bread crumbs

2 eggs

2 tbs of milk

Spices to your taste, I'll be using Fire Eaters' Piri-Piri Style Spices. because my super cool friend Mik got me some.

Cost - $10 - $20

Preheat the over to 350 and lightly grease a baking tray. Mix the cream cheese, shredded cheese, and spices to your taste. Onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and paprika would all be good choices. Coarsely crush up Sweet Hearts (I used 10) and mix into the cheese. I'd advise covering them and using a mallet. They're surprisingly, almost worrying, resistant to blunt force.

Rinse the peppers and hull them. You can cut them lengthwise, cut them diagonally through the center to make little tubes, or (as I did) cut the top off and hull it with a knife, leaving the pepper whole. 

If you want to make the poppers spicier, add the seeds to the cheese mix. Otherwise, discard them. Put the flour in one dish, beat the eggs and milk together in another dish, and the breads crumbs in a third. Line them up in that order next to the baking tray to make it easier on yourself. If you like, add more spices to the bread crumbs and eggs. I added black pepper and garlic powder to the egg and some more Piri-Piri spices to the bread crumbs.

Spoon the cheese mix into the peppers. If you kept them whole, cut the other tip off so you can see how full they are and to reduce air pressure while you fill them. The mix is a bit thick for a pastry bag so I just used a spoon.  The skin of hot peppers is smooth and waxy, so you may have to put a bit of water on them before coating. It's a bit hard to get even coverage, so don't worry about it too much. Coat them in the flour, roll them in the egg mix, roll them in the breadcrumbs until coated, and set on the tray. 

Bake for 30 minutes.

You show me someone who says that they can make jalapeno poppers without them exploding and I'll show you a fucking liar.

I'm shocked to say this, but it's actually tasty. The tartness baked out and the candy dissolved so the cheese filling has a sweet, almost cream cheese frosting-like flavor and it complements the other flavors nicely. They're so spicy too. I can't believe it. Sweet Hearts actually improved something! Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 1: The World's Worst Coffee Sweetener

Last night, I saw that my local grocery store had started selling these chalky little bastards.

They're probably even more disliked than candy corn. I snagged a box since they were dirt cheap and I figured I might find some use for them. I've decided to try and redeem this things by finding a way to make them tasty. Emi suggested that I try putting one in my coffee. Made sense to me, they are mostly sugar.

I added one to my cup and stirred for a few minutes to make sure it was at least half dissolved. It's entreaty to "Be mine" did little to stay my hand. Instead of acting as a sweetener, it made my coffee, which was black, several degrees more bitter than it had been previously. Emi agreed. Not only was it more bitter, the flavor stuck to our tongues for a good 5 to 10 minutes. I thoroughly regret this decision. God damn it, candy hearts. You're a wad of sugar and you can't even do the one thing that sugar is supposed to do. We'll see what else I can come up with later. Stay queer.

Mondongo

Every time I bring up mondongo to someone who did not grow up in a Latin household, they ask me "Is that like mofungo?" Yes, in that they are both food. The similarities end there. Mondongo is beef tripe stew. 

Still with me? Good.

It's usually served over rice and readily available at lots of Latin restaurants. It's actually quite good, if you're not really sensitive about texture. Luckily, they have it at my local grocery store. This particular variation is Dominican, but lots of countries have their own spin on the dish. I did want to make it myself but it takes forever, requires like a billion ingredients, and (as described in my post on fried tripe) boiling tripe makes the room smell like stomach acid. My apartment mates are my friends, I can't do that to them.

You need:
A can of mondongo
(Optional) Rice

Cost: $1 - $10

Pretty simple, just pour it into a pot and heat until it's boiling. At least, it would have been pretty simple, but the pop tab broke off and I had to try to pry it open with a church key. Unfortunately, you can't just pour it through a small opening because the tripe is too big. I tried using a blunt end of a butter knife to gently push the lid into the can but I did it too hard, resulting in a geyser of mondongo splattering all over the counter and my cloths. Have you ever gotten splattered with tomato-based intestine broth? It's horrifying.

After taking 5 to change my cloths and rethink my life choices, it was pretty simple to pour it into a pot and boil.

Emi was, once again, willing to subject herself to my blog for my entertainment, even though she had no idea what the main ingredient was. She's such a trooper!

The tripe (and I know that's the only part of the soup you care about) tastes like beef fat, only with a stronger flavor. The texture is also similar to beef fat, but more tender and less chewy. Eating it with rice is preferable because the broth is a bit greasy. Many thanks to Emi for being so adventurous. Stay queer!

Canned Corned Mutton

Mutton is meat from an adult sheep. Some insist that it only counts as mutton if it's from a wether (a castrated male). Some insist that it tastes better when it's from a wether, for reasons on which it is probably best not to dwell. I really don't care either way. This is the first time I've ever come across mutton, canned or otherwise. According to the internet, most people don't like it, and it's tougher and has a stronger flavor than lamb. It is not an easy thing to find in the US.

I've been curious about mutton for most of my life, believe it or not. I always wondered why meat from such a common livestock would be so hard to find. I don't think I know anyone who'd had it either. This was extra weird to me after moving to my current apartment. My regular grocery store has, to name a very small selection, sheep testicles, veal brains, pig livers, entire guinea pigs, raw conch, and chicken feet. I've lived here for almost 2 years and I only discovered that they carried mutton 3 days ago. It was tucked away in the Mexican/Peruvian/Dominican aisle (despite the product being Australian) and there were only about 6 cans and two brands. It's surprisingly expensive too.The can I got was 7.99 for 12 oz, making it more expensive per pound than the fresh lobster they sell. The other brand was 50 cents cheaper but I decided to treat myself.

You need:

Canned mutton

Cost: $1 - $10

That's horrifying...

It's solid, soft, and chewy. The white stuff is pure fat and that makes it a bit creamy. The flavor reminds me a little bit of canned chicken, although that may be the salt, not that it's particularly salty. It does taste stronger than lamb, but it's still on the subtle side, although that may be because the fat is drowning it out.

If you microwave it a bit to melt the fat off, it tastes a bit like corned beef hash and it makes a good sandwich. I suspect that's how you're supposed to consume it but it's not bad cold. I'm still not getting why it's so hard to find. It's a little chewy but it tastes fine and it's much better than I anticipated. I'd like to get my hands on some raw mutton and cook it up myself. If I can find it, mutton might get a second appearance on this blog. I just hope it's less expensive per pound next time. Stay queer!

Korean Red Ginseng Candy

I hate ginseng. A lot. I hate it almost as much as I hate echinacea, although both herbs taste like dirt about equally. How much do I hate echinacea? It's part of why I hate hippies, because hippies love echinacea. 

I've never had red ginseng before. It'd never occurred to me that someone might take this hateful little root and try to make it into candy.

Unlike a lot of hard candies, this one actually has a noticeable scent. You can smell them as soon as you open the container, you don't even have to unwrap them. I think it smells like top soil. My room mate think it smells like her mom's bedroom...

But how does it taste?

Like a fusion of mint, honey, and dirt. No, seriously. It's like a cough drop that was made with dirt and they tried to hide it by making it too sweet. God, it's just as awful as I remember. Marketing this as candy is criminal. This is medicine. That's fine, just CALL IT THAT. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go cleanse my palate. Stay queer!

Mayonnaise Biscuits

These are two things that I'd never thought to combine. You just don't DO that. I only found out today that this is a thing and I'm a having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around it. My room mate, Emi, said that she was both intrigued and frightened by the concept. Naturally, I started making them within the hour. I think these are Southern. They certainly seem like it. I'll have to ask my roomie from Georgia the next time I get the chance.

You need:

Either self-rising flour or all-purpose flour, salt, and baking soda.
Mayonnaise
Milk
Price: $1 - $10

Preheat your oven to 400. If you're using all-purpose flour, combine 2 cups it with 1 tsp of salt and 3 tsp of baking powder. If you have self-rising, just use 2 cups of that. Combine that with a cup of milk and 6 tbs of mayonnaise. Stir until combined.

Lightly grease a baking sheet and drop spoonfuls of the batter onto it. These were made with absolutely no love and I'm not even slightly ashamed of how sloppy they look.

Bake on the center rack until golden brown.

They're actually not bad at all!

Perhaps a brave new world of unlikely biscuits awaits? Stay queer!

PB2 Protein Shake

My folks, both of whom are the sort of people who are very into Enya, herbal remedies, and nature hikes, gave me this.

I'm having trouble deciding whether their contributions to this blog are encouragement or a roundabout way of saying "we wish you had moved out sooner."

It's powdered, low fat, peanut butter. In terms of incongruity, the combination of "low fat" and "peanut butter" falls somewhere between "total contradiction of terms" and "spitting in the face of God". Silly Whole Foods hippies.

You're supposed to mix 2 parts powder with 1 part water. To its credit, it is gluten-free and very low in calories. 45 calories per 2 tablespoons, 13 calories from fat. Nice treat for the health conscious or a desperate attempt to make restrictive diets less miserable? We'll see. The internet is chock full of recipe suggestions for this product. In the interest of saving time, I selected an easy protein shake recipe. It calls for a scoop of protein powder but I would sooner put money towards a trip to Montauk than protein powder. That is to say, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever willingly pay for either. Instead we used some mixed drink I found at the local liquor store. Rum is protein right? Also you're supposed to use almond milk but fuck that.

I must say, Strawberry Rum Job is a horrible name and I'm positive that I would have called it the same thing if it had been up to me. Feelin' some cognitive dissonance here.

You need
PB2
A banana
Buzz Ball (which was a total rip btw. 3 bucks for that tiny thing.)
Milk
Honey (optional)

Price: $10 - $20

It's very easy. 2 tbs of powder + banana + 1 1/2 cups of milk + 2 tbs of honey + Buzz Ball + blender = done.

Obviously, it isn't fair to write this product off after using it for one recipe and incorrectly at that. I look forward to trying this again in something less poorly conceived. Stay queer!

Wasabi Kit Kat

One of my apt mates was kind enough to get me one of those wasabi flavored Japanese Kit Kat bars for Christmas. Apparently the Japanese took Kit Kat bars and just ran with the concept. Just ran with it with more balls than anyone in the States ever will.

 "Oh snap, now we have super big Kit Kats AND Kit Kats with peanut butter! Hope your brains don't blow up from that reality bomb I just set off in your skull!", cried Nestle's US marketing department.

Across the pond, Nestle's Japanese marketing department looked up from the sales figures for blueberry cheesecake, strawberry, green tea, watermelon, purple sweet potato, and soy sauce Kit Kats and said "That's cute, bro" while trembling with barely concealed laughter.

I didn't make those flavors up and there's like 200 more. Kit Kat similar to the Japanese phrase "Kitto Katsu" which, according to wikipedia, roughly means "surely win". Apparently it's like a little good luck treat. Apparently, they take their good luck treats seriously over there. Really, this just shows how fucking lazy and timid food companies are over here.

US Kit Kats are Simple Plan, Japanese Kit Kats are Gang Green.

US Kit Kats are System of A Down, Japanese Kit Kats are Celtic Frost.

US Kit Kats are Hawthorn Heights, Japanese Kit Kats are Fugazi.

US Kit Kats are Brokencyde, Japanese Kit Kats are Good Clean Fun.

US Kit Kats are Lady Gaga, Japanese Kit Kats are Emily Autumn.

Awwwww, that's cute! It's really good too! It's coated in white chocolate and you really can taste wasabi. The thing is, and this is probably for the better, it has the flavor of wasabi but not the heat. That's really cool. Your move, US Kit Kats. Maybe you could just make them bigger again and bundle them with a 24 of Miller Light.

Stay Queer!