Peanut Butter and Jelly Vodka

I had to start this post off with the product itself. Really, how do you introduce that? Oh, Van Gogh will your whimsical shenanigans ever end?

Naturally, you can’t just buy a bottle of PB & J vodka any old time. You have to make a thing of it. Luckily, I just moved into a new place and my new roomie loves PB & J. Having recently dubbed myself her “substance abuse fairy”, I decided that this would be a nice celebratory gift. Partly for the novelty, partly because it’s Van Gogh, partly because her shitbag ex-roomie stole some of my beer and I wanted to bring something that that cunt wouldn't want in the event that he was around it. I figured I couldn’t do much better than this. The bottle was about 30 bucks, which is pretty good for this brand. Such a pretty bottle too.

Drinking it straight

It smells like some really weird combination of alcohol, grape jelly, and bread. I can’t quite describe it beyond that. It’s really fuckin’ weird. Flavor-wise it’s like toasted peanut, wheat bread and a hint of grape jelly. I’m not complaining too hard because the fact that it even passingly tastes like a PB & J sandwich is impressive. The real problem is that the grape jelly is understated. Roomie and I decided that this could not stand and went on a mission to find the perfect mixer to fix this tragedy.

Pepsi

In a twist that I never expected, the only effect Pepsi has is that it totally swallows every flavor except the bread. Not kidding. If anyone was wondering, bread vodka is not a particularly exciting or delicious beverage. Moving on…

Cherry Kool-Aid

Awful, awful, awful, awful.Too sweet, too weird, too much bread. I think I added some triple sec to see if it would help but I honestly don’t remember too much about it because we were entertaining some guests and I had brought several bottles of liquor with me when I moved in.

Grape Fanta

If this seems like the only mixer that had any rhyme or reason to it, it’s because we finally went food shopping instead of just trying to work with whatever was lying around the house. This is probably the best we could do and it is awesome. It doesn’t drown out the peanut flavor and the soda really brings out the grape in a way that’s wondrously cheap-tasting. It’s like shitty grape jelly from a squeeze bottle. Between that and the fact that the drink is purple, it’s like a cocktail for your inner child. Stay queer!

It’s My Birthday and I’ll Do What I Want.

Before I begin, I would like to advise you all to never buy Belvedere vodka. I have never tried it and never will due to a recnt ad of theirs which portrays a grinning guy grabbing a woman from behind as she looks surprised and distressed. The ad reads: "Unlike some people, Belvedere always goes down smoothly." (I am NOT posting that on my blog, you can google it if you want.) Yeah. These are people looked at the fact that the majority of reported rapes happen when at least one party is intoxicated and decided that it was an untapped potential for advertising. I understand no one has suggested that cattle cars in 1940's Germany would have been a lot less awful if the people on them had been drunk on Belvedere vodka prior to arriving at the concentration camps. Go to it, fellas! Stay classy and please kill yourselves you irresponsible, repugnant shitbags. 

Now back to your regularly scheduled nonsense.

I like most kinds of booze but my absolute favorite alcohol, my special occasion booze, my comfort booze, the thing all my friends know as the perfect default gift for me, is vodka. I love vodka. It seems like every time I tell someone that they say they can’t drink vodka because it makes them get angry. That’s a damn shame but more for me so whatever. You can mix it with anything, it’s one of the least fattening alcohols, and the sound of the word is just classy. Straight or mixed, vodka is my top booze pick. I’ll order a vodka cocktail that less enticing than another cocktail just because it has vodka. I don’t get to have vodka very often. Partly it’s because I’m poor, partly it’s because I have responsibilities that keep me from having it that often, but that just makes it extra wonderful when I do get to indulge. So I’d like to give you a quick rundown on some of the more memorable vodkas in my life. For those of you who may not know, really good vodka is flavorless (aside from the kick) and odorless unless it has flavoring. It’s supposed to be like alcoholic water. I’ve never had vodka that good but I have had a large variety. These are ordered in worst to best so far. If I jump order or you disagree then just keep in mind: It’s my birthday and I’ll do what I want. 

Dubra

I couldn't find a stock photo because nobody likes Dubra. The only time I had Dubra was when a friend of mine gave me some because she had gotten way too drunk on it and was not interested in the rest of the bottle. One Crow T. Robot put forth the question: "Is there any vodka cheaper than Popov?" Well, guess what? I did the math and, per ounce, Dubra was actually cheaper than Popov. I know, right? How bad was it? It froze. Seriously, it froze. I think it had the nastiest kick I’ve ever tasted in a vodka. It tasted like dishwater and it just tasted dirty. Mixing it with tomato juice and hot sauce made it palatable. Avoid at all costs.

Eristoff

This was fucking vile. I only put it between Dubrav and Popov because I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt that the other flavors are less disgusting. I posted about the sloe berry flavor earlier. Tasted like cough syrup.

Popov

The vodka most know for being the cheapest shit you can buy (or so I thought, prior to discovering the truth behind Dubra). There was a liquor store near my college where you could buy a small bottle for 2.50. Not kidding. I think it was like 5 oz. The kick is nasty but what do you expect? It’s still better than Dubrav. Tastes less like dishwater, more like working class pride and shattered dreams. Mixing it with tomato juice and hot sauce is actually nice. The trick is just to drown out the kick as much as you can. If ever you want to get a kid way too drunk to prove to them that underage drinking is bad I think you might as well use Popov. Saves money, less cruel than Dubra, and it’s an accurate portrayal of what most underage kids would get anyway. I didn’t party in high school but I never heard anybody bragging about having a keg of Magic Hat and a case of Tanqueray for the weekend. If my life goes really downhill this will probably be my vodka of choice. Popov is for failures and people who are still in school.

Svedka

Bluuuugh. It’s marginally better than Popov but it’s more expensive so you get less bang for your buck. Don’t fucking bother. Either get something better or an assload of Popov. I NEVER buy Svedka. The bottle isn’t even pretty. All of the flavors are disappointments too. Next!

Smirnoff

A considerable step up from the earlier vodkas. Comes in a wide variety of flavors that I generally like. Top shelf? Nope. It’s pretty ok though. You can drink it straight really easily and people generally appreciate it when you bring it to a party. Smirnoff is the middle class of vodka. Perfectly respectable, although their plain vodka isn’t that great. Get a flavored variety unless you want to make bloody marys or something.

Grey Goose

I almost never have Grey Goose because it’s fucking expensive. It goes down smooth, it mixes well, and it’s classier than the aforementioned vodkas. The bottle is also pretty. Here’s a little shorthand for vodka quality that a friend of mine taught me: 

If the bottle just has a label on the front, it’s really shitty.
If it has a wrap around label or one on the front and the back it’s generally ok. 
If the bottle doesn’t have a label because the detail is in the glass itself and it has designs and pictures and so on, it’s good. 

Grey Goose is good. But my favorite vodka? The one I covet the most? Well that’d be

Van Gogh

Look at how pretty those bottles are! You can't argue with that!

Lemme tell you a story. My best friend helped edit one of my personal statements to get into grad school. Prior to this we had gone through some terrible drama that resulted in us not speaking for 3 months. Our friendship had only recently rekindled. The only school that accepted me was the one she helped me with. I was elated when I found out. I didn’t want to brag so I sent her a quick text to nonchalantly tell her the news. She responded by texting me hearty congratulations, followed by a call. She shouted about how excited she was for me and told me to stay where I was. About an hour later she told me to look outside. I walked out and saw a 12 pack of woodchuck hard cider, 3 Cadbury creme eggs, a card depicting a bunch of kittens getting drunk (Besty sends the awesome cards), and a bottle of Van Gogh vanilla vodka. Vanilla vodka’s my favorite. We spent the day with some of my other friends, watching movies, getting drunk, and being silly. That was my first time trying Van Gogh. Don’t think that this memory is the only reason why Van Gogh rules though. It’s incredibly smooth. It’s the sort of vodka you should sip and savor. It tastes wonderful. The flavored varieties are exceptionally good. If you get vanilla vodka, it tastes like real vanilla. If you get caramel vodka, it really tastes like a liquid caramel candy and their blueberry acai really tastes like blueberries with a hint of acai. It’s the best vodka I’ve ever tasted. I’m not sure what could top it at this point. I still have the bottle that Besty gave me, and I hope I always do. Go out and make informed vodka decisions, but more importantly stay queer!

Terrine au Piment d’Espelette

Yet another (presumably) proper noun, and a word I’ve never seen before. I wonder if Espelette is another type of booze? What with it being the day after St.Patrick’s Day, I kind of hope it isn’t. I'm glad I have a variety of terrines to try, I didn't expect them to be as different as they are. 

Huh, I didn’t expect it to be so pinkish. I suspect that this either means it’s has salmon in it, or it’s spicy. As I have a somewhat masochistic relationship with spicy food and love salmon, I think I’m in for a win-win here.

It is spicy, but just the tiniest bit. It’s more of an aftertaste really.  It’s coarser than the other two terrines. The texture is more like sausage filling than the others, and it’s definitely heavier. The flavor is very subtle, there’s only a hint of liver, but it’s very nuanced. It’s got these little flecks of red, and orange in it. I guess that’s some kind of mild chili peppers. 

Overall quite good. I get the feeling that so far this would be the most popular terrine with Americans so far. Make it spicier, dunk it in cheese, have it with a beer, and you got yourself a hit. Let’s see, apparently, aside from ingredients in common with the other two it has: pepper (I guess what means hot pepper), and Espelette pepper…what the hell does that mean? To the internet! Ok, according to Wikipedia, Espelette peppers are a type of mild pepper grown in France. It has a heat rating of about 4,000 Scoville Heat Units (SHU). To put that in perspective, jalapenos rate from 2,500 to 5,000 SHU. I’m sorry for the brevity, but the sound of my room mate throwing up is very distracting. Enjoy another French  video. If the blog isn’t gay enough for you as is, this may do the trick. Stay queer!

Terrine de canard a l'Armagnac

Eh, what the hell? Might as well give the others reviews. After translating the ingredients I decided that the video to go with this post should be a bit less toddler-mistaking-mom's-cries-of-ecstasy-for-permission-y and more pretty-French-music-y. 

What better way to acquaint yourself with a melange of organ and who knows what else than with the accompaniment of one of France's most beloved chanteuses? Kind of makes you want to stop listening to that dubstep shit so the rest of us don't have to listen to you blast what sounds like an early 90's dialup connection fucking a synthesizer, right? Anyway:

I know canard means duck, so a bit of the mystery is gone. Not sure what Armagnac is. I guess it's a proper noun, but that's all I got. BTW, just to prove I wasn't lying about it looking like cat food earlier:

This one smells a bit more like tuna. 

The flavor is stronger and less nuanced. It tastes more like regular liverwurst. It’s textured similarly to the last terrine, but slightly more coarse. I think this has more liver in it than the last one. I'm not sure if it has duck liver, duck meat, or both, but it does feel and taste slightly more meaty. It’s a bit more like a meat paste, or sausage filling. Something heavier is in there too, somehow it seems to have a touch more bite than the last one. This one is also quite good. I think people who prefer stronger flavors would like this better than the last terrine. Let’s see. The ingredients are:  lean pork fat, chicken liver, duck, eggs, milk, Armagnac (a type of brandy), salt, and pepper. Ok, so it was brandy. Damn, that's fancy. Stay classy, France and stay queer, readers!

Terrine aux Cepes

Apologies for the lack of accent marks in this post. Feel free to draw them on your computer screen to compensate.

Despite prayer, all of the letters I sent to the French military, and no fewer than 3 separate facebook petitions, my sister (author of Jennyphoria) came back from the Paris for a brief visit. She was kind enough to bring some gifts, presumably as an apology for breaching her containment overseas, among which was a variety pack of terrine.

According to Wikipedia terrine is “a French forcemeat loaf, similar to pate.” You had me at forcemeat loaf. I’m still deciding if I want to review one or several terrines because I don’t know how similar they are. We’ll see I guess. You know, I keep looking on the back to look at the nutrition info, and ingredients despite the facts that 1) there are no nutrition facts, which I have been well aware of since the first time I checked, and 2) the writing on the box requires far more skill with French than I have, which I have also been well aware of since the first time I checked.

Ok, enough fucking about. Let’s get down to business. I’m going to try…

You know, I never thought I'd see fancy French food with a pop tab on it.

Smells a bit like cat food, looks a bit like cat food, has taken the shape of the can in a manner similar to cat food. You're supposed to eat it on crackers or toast points. At this point in my life, I know better than to turn my nose up at something simply because it reminds me a bit of cat food. I realize that that previous sentence must have raised a few eyebrows, so I’d like to clarify that if something looks and smells a bit like cat food, it probably has liver in it.

Wikipedia was accurate, the texture is similar to pate, only less smooth. It tastes moderately like liver, and its got a hint of black pepper, and cheese, even though I don’t see fromage anywhere on the ingredients list. The flavor is a bit mild, but that works just fine, as it allows the spices to shine through more. There’s something more I can’t quite place, but it’s familiar, and flavorful. There’s also a slight hint of…bacon? Let’s see. According to google translate, this is made of lean pork fat (explains the bacon), chicken liver, eggs, milk, mushrooms, salt, and pepper. Mushrooms! That’s what it was. This was tasty. French food is generally pretty awesome. Also, they make way better condom commercials there.

Stay queer!

Eristoff Red is Fucking Nasty

This isn't only my personal diary of culinary abortions, it's also a source of entertainment and information for my readers. Now, the majority of my reader are related to me or friends I met in college ,so I have extra incentive to be honest and let you know when something doesn't work. This, my friends, does not work:

It almost looks innocent...

As you may have guessed, I usually don't get top shelf liquor. As I was browsing for some post-midterms celebration booze, I noticed a bottle of vodka named Eristoff Red. It was only 10 bucks, it's vodka , and it has a sweet wolf on the bottle, so I decided to be adventurous. It says it's sloe berry flavored, which is the worst misspelling of cough syrup I've ever seen. It tastes exactly like cough syrup. No joke...like...gah. Please be aware of this vodka in your community and don't welcome it into your home or your liver. If you must though, it's palatable with ginger ale. Stay queer and treat yourself to some Van Gogh instead, that stuff's the best.

Fried Tripe

I’ve decided to dive head first into the wide world of offal and I sincerely hope you pictured that in your head.  Tripe is eaten pretty much everywhere in the world, so it must be at least palatable.  I’m hesitant to try it, but I've enjoyed liver and pate in the past so I guess it’s not so different…aside from the attached stigma I mean.  If nothing else, you can’t say tripe isn’t versatile.  There are a billion different recipes for it.  Between my own laziness, and the fact that I recently inherited what can only be described as an irresponsible amount of bread crumbs from my old roomies, I think a simple fry recipe would be good.  

You need

Beef tripe: Tripe is inexpensive to the point of being worrying.

Flour

Bread crumbs: Seriously, they gave me 3 full canisters of bread crumbs.  

Total cost:$1 - $10

This smells kinda like cat shit.  I'm not kidding.

Now the hell of it, aside from smelling like cat shit, is that you have to boil tripe for a long ass time to tenderize it.  Tripe is really tough and hard to digest so people with digestive disorders and gout should steer clear of this.  Prior to cooking, it also has to be cleaned.  I got mine from a store and I'm sure it was cleaned before it was packaged, but better safe than sorry.  Improperly prepared tripe is terrible for you and dangerous to eat.  Submerge the tripe in cold water and let it soak overnight.  Change the water frequently and scrub off any stuff clinging to the tripe.  Again, there weren’t any nasty things on mine and the color was fine, I’m just being cautious.  

Anyway, once that’s done, toss it into a big pot of water and bring it to a low boil.  You can spice it if you want.  Toss in a bay leaf or some nutmeg or whatever.  Apparently you can make good stock out of tripe, but frankly I just don’t want to.  Cover it and let it boil until the tripe is tender.  Depending on the type of tripe and how big the pieces are this can take between 1 and 6 hours.  Mine was honeycomb tripe cut into thin strips so this took me about 2 hours.  

This smells a bit like someone vomited stomach acid into a bowl of warm saltwater.  Again, I'm not kidding.

 It’s tender enough when you can easily cut it with a kitchen knife.  Cut the tripe into strips if it isn’t already.  Mine are about the size of a finger.  I rubbed the stripes down with black pepper and salt.  Feel free to experiment with different spices, those two just seemed like the safest choices.

  

Using flour and water, make a thin paste to coat the strips.  Dip the strips in that and roll them in bread crumbs.  

Heat some oil in a skillet over medium heat.  If you’re not sure when it’s ready, put a drop of batter in the pan.  If it’s hot enough, the oil around it will start to bubble.

Fry each strip until both sides are golden brown, about 2 minutes per side.  Transport the finished strips onto some paper towels to drain.

Be honest, would you be able to recognize this as tripe?  Also it doesn't smell bad anymore.

Ok, I swear this is true:  it’s kind of like a cross between fried calamari and a mozzarella cheese stick.  Like calamari, it’s chewy and the meat itself has little flavor, but like the cheese it’s kinda ropey and soft.  By itself it’s fine, if a little boring.  Some Dijon mustard livens it up nicely.  Honestly, I could see this fitting in at a pub or grill quite nicely, provided that the name was changed or the locals were just really ok with tripe.  I'd like to experiment with more spices and maybe some different batters. This really surprised me.  Stay queer!

Baked Quail Eggs

For whatever reason, quail eggs are really easy to find in NYC.  Cheap too. For whatever reason, I'm intrigued by the prospect of eating eggs that don't come from chickens, especially if their visually distinct and/or not from an avian. Lemme give you a sense of scale compared to a chicken egg.  

Kinda cute, right?

They seem to be as versatile as chicken eggs, although you do need more of them.  Just take any recipe with eggs, multiply the amount you need by 6, and you'll be golden. For example, most quail egg omelette recipes call for 20. It's not really worth in for day to day cooking though, since a carton costs as much or a bit more than a carton of chicken eggs. This particular dish is a French hors d'oeuvre, of which there are a billion variations.  

Frozen pie crust

Carton of quail eggs

Black lumpfish caviar

Price Range: $10 - $20

You could always splurge on caviar that isn't disgusting, but obviously it'll cost more. If you're going to spread fish embryos over quail embryos, you might as well go all out, amirite? To start I need to make some mini pie crusts.

Press baking parchment into a muffin tin and put uncooked crust into it, bake for 15 minutes at 450.

Crack an egg or two (which ever fits) into the shell.  By the way, cracking these things is kind of difficult because the shells are kind of thik.  You have to sort of forcefully slap them with the blade of a butter knife and crack them in half. 

Spread baking parchment over a baking sheet and place the crusts on it.  Return it to the oven at 350 for 10 minutes.  Remove them from the oven and spread some caviar on them.

Well, this is…unremarkable.   Apparently quail eggs taste just like chicken eggs.  It’s like a poached egg in crust.  Not bad at all but nothing special.   It’s a bit like walking 3 city blocks to a restaurant, spending $15 on a semi-exotic sounding sausage dish and getting a regular hot dog with some soy sauce on it. Maybe experimenting with different toppings would improve it. The caviar is like hateful little balls of salt and I really can't recommend it. In all fairness, lump fish caviar from Key Food probably isn't the best around. Hot sauce probably would have been better. Oh well.  If nothing else you can now rest assured that there’s no reason to shy away from quail eggs. 

Stay queer!