Huitlacocha AKA Cuitlacocha AKA Smut Corn Breakfast Burrito

It's pretty amazing what humans can eat. It's even more amazing that we can take so many seemingly gross things and make them tasty. More amazing still is our ability to take a gross thing, which is objectively rotten, infected, or otherwise spoiled and sell it for an inflated price. Welcome, friends, to the world of smut corn!

Smut corn starts out its life like any other ear of corn until, one day, it's infected with a charming little fungal disease called "ustilago maydis", which enters the ovaries of the corn and replaces the kernels with big, mushroomy tumors. The name "huitlacocha" roughly translates to "sleeping shit". So, these are sleeping shit corn ovarian tumors. Nom nom nom! It's important to harvest smut corn before the fungus runs its course because, near the end of it's life cycle, the tumors are filled with spores, which hurts the texture and flavor of the tumors, and sanity of everyone within a 20 foot radius, unless they pass a DC 25 will check. Of course, as an avid consumer of hot dogs, my disgust is purely playful. There's also no way that this could be grosser than raisins. BTW, you'll have left over smut corn since this recipe is too big for one burrito so either refrigerate the excess or have some friends (or enemies) over and a make a day of it. Depending on tortilla size and how full they are, you could probably make somewhere between 4 and 8 burritos.

You need:
A can of smut corn
A small onion, 2 cloves of garlic and some serrano chilies. 
Eggs
Tortilla
Salsa
Oil

Cost: $10 - $20 because a can of smut corn cost me $7.99. This (sleeping) shit is EXPENSIVE unless you live right near where they cultivate it or you have your own little plot of diseased corn. Oh, by the way, smut corn does occur (I was gonna say "grow" but "occur" seems more appropriate) in the US but it's almost always thrown away; there have been targeted efforts here to eradicate ustilago maydis. What don't Big Pharma and the corn magnates want us to know??

Chop up your veggies and heat a few tablespoons oil in a skillet over medium heat. Sautee the onion and garlic until the onion is translucent, which should take about 3 or 4 minutes. Add the diced chilies and sautee them for another minute or two. 

Doesn't that look nice?

Now add your smut corn.

Huh, I see where the name comes from now.

Stir it constantly for about 6 minutes. If you over cook these things, they get slimy. The only thing worse than tumors in your burrito is slimy tumors in your burrito, amirite? Take that off the heat and set it aside.

Here's what an individual tumor looks like.Fans of Final Fantasy X might find this vaguely familiar.

Beer bottle is for scale.

Just for a quick break from the unrelenting horror, here is a picture of my room mate's cat, chilling in a box which we have dubbed The Dread Fort, along with his second in command, Moose Bolton:

The sign reads "No Girls Allowed". It's his man cave, you see.

Anyway, in another pan, melt some butter. In a bowl, beat two eggs and add seasoning to your taste. Transfer the eggs to the skillet, add a few large spoonfuls of the smut corn mixture, and quickly scramble the eggs.

Transfer that to a tortilla, add a nice big dollop of salsa and wrap that bitch up.

Huh, not bad by itself. Kinda like spicy, mushroomy, black beans. It's awesome as a burrito filling! The texture is very soft, the closest comparison I can give is refried beans, but it's not as thick and sticky. When you bite into a tumor, it's kind of like a sauteed onion filled with a mushroomy and almost kinda cheesey thick cream inside of it. It's better than black beans actually and it's delicious with the eggs. Wow, if you get the chance to have smut corn in a burrito or quesedilla, fucking go for it. I devoured this thing. I just wish it were cheaper here. Lesson learned I guess: maybe if someone compares someone or something to shit, they only mean aesthetically. Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 3: Sweet Heart and Anchovies Pizza

Yeah, you heard me. Time to get back to making these things edible. Why anchovies? Because so many people don't like them, maybe they'll work well together, like those two weird kids at school that no one else liked. Also, the salty and sweet might contrast nicely. In defense of the poor, maligned, anchovy, they're only gross if you don't cook them properly or if you just really don't like salt. For those of you just joining us, I've established that baking sweet hearts in cheese makes them taste much less chalky. Science! 

Just to be safe, the pizza will be half crazy bullshit and half cheese. No sense potentially wasting an entire pizza.

You need:
Anchovies
Sweet Hearts
Cheese
Sauce
Pizza crust: I'd advise using premade dough or making your own since it's cheaper and better than a premade crust.

Cost: $1 - $10

It's pretty simple, just put your toppings on and follow the directions on the crust to see how to cook it. In my case, 12-15 minutes or until crust is golden brown at 450 on a lightly oiled pan.

Huh, that came out prettier than I expected.

Good lord, I actually had it pegged right. The buttery, salty flavor of the anchovies DOES blend well with the sweetness of the candy. I mean, it's weird, but it's not bad. They're still a bit firm but not nearly as hard as they normally are. If you don't like the taste of sweet tarts or anchovies to begin with, the combination isn't going to magically make itself appealing to your pallet. This is really only for people who already like both of those things. Still, I'm 2 for 3 on these so far. My world view is collapsing. Stay queer...

Michelada (F'realz this time)

Ok, I said I'd try to make a proper michelada so here goes. There are a ton of recipes for it online and it seems like every single one is accompanied by some stupid argument about how authentic it is.

"Don't use tabasco sauce, use cayenne and diced jalapenos!"
"Fuck that, why didn't you add clamato juice?"
"That's not a michelada, that's a chelada. Also, you're supposed to add tequila."
"No it's not! That would make a michelada cubano and why aren't you using salsa?"
"There's too much lime, use lemon."

And ON and ON and ON. Apparently, the details of a michelada vary from region to region. It's a bit like a bloody mary, except people are really particular about how their version is THE ONE TWUE WAY of making it. I'm sorry if I seem frustrated, but I spent like a half hour trying to find a recipe that didn't seem to piss anyone off and I failed. So, here is a recipe I found somewhere (I can't find it again for some reason). It's automatically rendered inauthentic because I'm a Caucasian American in New York using ingredients I bought locally so at least that takes some pressure off.

You need:
A cervesa (I used Modelo Especial)
Coarse salt
Hot sauce
Worcestershire sauce
Soy sauce
A lime

Cost: $1 - $10

Cut a wedge of lime and slit it in the middle. Run it around the rim of the glass to coat it. Salt the rim of the glass and fill it half with ice. Squeeze the rest of the lime into the glass. Add a few dashes of all of the sauces to your taste and pour the cerveza over it. Emi was kind enough to model it.

Holy shit, this is so much better. The relatively light flavor of the cervasa is mostly covered by the sauces and they all blend together nicely. Unlike the awful lemon blitzkreig in the last post, the lime is more subtle and zesty. Of course, most beer drinkers know that lighter beers and lime are bros, so that's not too surprising. It actually tastes refreshing and I'm reminded a bit of a bloody mary. The people who made that mix need to be slapped. That said, it's not really that great. I found myself wanting a bloody mary instead of another michelada, but that might be because I'm a vodka woman. I don't generally like cerveza that much either (I prefer stouts) but I will say that it tastes better in this than it does straight. If you are a fan of cerveza then you'll probably like this. I bet it's really nice on a hot day. Stay queer!

Mayonnaise Biscuits

These are two things that I'd never thought to combine. You just don't DO that. I only found out today that this is a thing and I'm a having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around it. My room mate, Emi, said that she was both intrigued and frightened by the concept. Naturally, I started making them within the hour. I think these are Southern. They certainly seem like it. I'll have to ask my roomie from Georgia the next time I get the chance.

You need:

Either self-rising flour or all-purpose flour, salt, and baking soda.
Mayonnaise
Milk
Price: $1 - $10

Preheat your oven to 400. If you're using all-purpose flour, combine 2 cups it with 1 tsp of salt and 3 tsp of baking powder. If you have self-rising, just use 2 cups of that. Combine that with a cup of milk and 6 tbs of mayonnaise. Stir until combined.

Lightly grease a baking sheet and drop spoonfuls of the batter onto it. These were made with absolutely no love and I'm not even slightly ashamed of how sloppy they look.

Bake on the center rack until golden brown.

They're actually not bad at all!

Perhaps a brave new world of unlikely biscuits awaits? Stay queer!

PB2 Protein Shake

My folks, both of whom are the sort of people who are very into Enya, herbal remedies, and nature hikes, gave me this.

I'm having trouble deciding whether their contributions to this blog are encouragement or a roundabout way of saying "we wish you had moved out sooner."

It's powdered, low fat, peanut butter. In terms of incongruity, the combination of "low fat" and "peanut butter" falls somewhere between "total contradiction of terms" and "spitting in the face of God". Silly Whole Foods hippies.

You're supposed to mix 2 parts powder with 1 part water. To its credit, it is gluten-free and very low in calories. 45 calories per 2 tablespoons, 13 calories from fat. Nice treat for the health conscious or a desperate attempt to make restrictive diets less miserable? We'll see. The internet is chock full of recipe suggestions for this product. In the interest of saving time, I selected an easy protein shake recipe. It calls for a scoop of protein powder but I would sooner put money towards a trip to Montauk than protein powder. That is to say, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever willingly pay for either. Instead we used some mixed drink I found at the local liquor store. Rum is protein right? Also you're supposed to use almond milk but fuck that.

I must say, Strawberry Rum Job is a horrible name and I'm positive that I would have called it the same thing if it had been up to me. Feelin' some cognitive dissonance here.

You need
PB2
A banana
Buzz Ball (which was a total rip btw. 3 bucks for that tiny thing.)
Milk
Honey (optional)

Price: $10 - $20

It's very easy. 2 tbs of powder + banana + 1 1/2 cups of milk + 2 tbs of honey + Buzz Ball + blender = done.

Obviously, it isn't fair to write this product off after using it for one recipe and incorrectly at that. I look forward to trying this again in something less poorly conceived. Stay queer!

Junk Food Soup

Once again we’re delving into the wide world of prison cuisine.  I was watching Lockup with one of my sisters recently and, occasionally, they show an inmate cooking. I caught a short segment of a woman making this and describing the recipe. I forget what she called it. Looked easy enough though.  She seemed to be in pretty good spirits, despite living in a shack outside in the Midwestern heat, in a prison that treats homemade sex toys as contraband, surrounded by presumably sweaty, and overheated women, at least some of whom were carrying surprisingly sharp knives made out of coffee cup lids and such.  I guess that means that this is relatively tasty or she just stopped giving a fuck about anything. I have mixed feelings about trying this. It has corn nuts, which are my favorite snack food, however it also has pork rinds, which are fucking nasty. I’m giving this recipe the chance to make them palatable. Upon reflection, this means that pork rinds are marginally less disgusting to me than raisins. I fucking hate raisins.

You need:

Corn nuts. Judging by the color, she was using nacho cheese, but all I could get was ranch

Jalapeno cheese dip

Pork rinds

Price range: $1- $10

Boil some water. Add the corn nuts and water to a wide mouthed bottle or jar of some sort. I think she was holding wither a Vitamin Water or Gatorade bottle. 

Ok, I guess that's not too bad.

Shake it up well. The water was opaque red on tv so presumably the goal is to mix the seasoning well into the water, and soften up to corn nuts a bit. 

You could almost convince yourself it's chicken broth.

Add the cheese to your taste and shake it up a bit more. I think she added about two tablespoons, but you’re presumably on the outside so go nuts. 

That is just disgusting...

Pour that mixture into the bag of pork rinds. I guess you could use a pot if you feel fancy. I don’t feel fancy in the slightest, but I am acutely aware of the fact that I’m clumsy.

It...it sounds like Rice Krispies...

I hate to admit it, but this is actually not bad. There is a hint of pork rind that I don’t really care for, but it’s tolerable. The corn nuts really make it for me. They’re softer, but still a bit crunchy. The cheesy broth isn't half bad either.  The pork rinds absorb the broth pretty well too. I know that sounds nasty but it’s better than how they usually taste. I think a version of this without pork rinds would be far superior but I don't know if I hate myself enough to make it in the near future. Rejoice, trailer park residents of the world! Your alpha snack food has been discovered! Stay queer!

Chocolate Covered Cherrystone Clams

Allerfic to shellfish? Not in the mood to prank someone? Well, you're just not any fun at all, are you? You will, however, be gratified to know that this is a very simple recipe for chocolate dipped whatevers and you can simply replace the clams with fruit or pretzels. Chocolate dipped fruit is a big seller on Hallmark Day and stores will gouge the shit out of you for it. It might look less fancy if you do it yourself but you get more for what you pay, you can put on as much chocolate as you want, and unless the person you give it to is a materialistic brat, a homemade token of affection is much nicer than a store bought one. You know, I made chocolate dipped fruit once a few years ago with my best friend. It turned out great. I distinctly remember raising a piece of banana to my mouth and she said, “You know, you could make so much money on the internet with this.” She responded to my look of utter confusion with a knowing, “College lesbian sucks chocolate banana.” She’s earning a PhD right now.

Anyway, I really must reiterate that intentionally feeding someone something they’re allergic to without their knowledge is extremely dangerous and VERY illegal, even if the allergy is relatively minor. You can be hit with a number of life-ruining charges, up to and including murder and attempted murder. Gross someone out, don’t hurt them.

You need

Canned cherrystone clams (If you can afford fresh clams then go for it)

Toothpicks

Semi-sweet chocolate morsels

Wax paper

Butter

Total cost: $1 - $10, assuming you used canned clams

Drain the clams and dry them with a paper towel. Melt a half cup of chips and 2 table spoons of butter, margarine, or shortening in a double boiler. If you don't have one, fill a pot with a few inches of water, put another pot or ceramic bowl in the water, and bring to a boil to make a jury rigged double boiler. Take care to keep water from getting in the chocolate. Stir until smooth. If the chocolate is too thick, add more butter.

Line a baking sheet with wax paper or baking parchment and arrange the clams on it. Stick a toothpick in each one. Dip each clam in the chocolate, slowly turning it over the bowl after each dip to drip off the excess and spread the chocolate evenly, and place them back on the wax paper.

Put them in the fridge for about 30 minutes.

The buttery, chocolately goodness is shockingly tasty with clam. The soft texture of the chocolate and the clam also work well together. It pretty damn good I’d say. If you gave this to someone wearing a blindfold, you’d probably be much more likely to get a worried “Dude…what is this?” than a panicked “AAAHHHHHHHHH! *spits*” Either way, I’m sure the look on their face would be fucking priceless.

I think a token of affection is appropriate any day of the year. Don’t feel limited to giving the gift of chocolate-covered clams during the holidays or only using clams. There’s a whole world of mollusks (and gastropods, for the particularly adventurous) out there just waiting to be dipped in a concealing layer of chocolate. What better way to let people know exactly how you feel about them? Stay Queer!

Stir Fried Pineapple and Seafood Rice

I was in San Diego two weeks ago and all I could think about was seafood. You see, the climate reminded me of northern Florida a lot, which made me start craving Floribbean food. For those of you not familiar with that, it’s a style of cooking which is basically a fusion of Floridian and Caribbean cuisine.  It has a heavy focus on cooking poultry and/or seafood with fresh citrus fruit, and loads of spices. Luckily, my friend Emi bestowed some canned squid and octopus upon me. In the interest of trying things I haven’t before, I’ve decided to make fried rice with it.  BTW, the thing I haven’t tried before is making fried rice. I’ve had squid and octopus many times.   I don’t really have loads of spices, but I do have a fresh pineapple and several kinds of canned seafood. This should offset my cravings ever so slightly. NOTE: Floribbean cuisine relies very heavily on fresh ingredients, so this is about as close to real Floribbean as canned spaghetti is to authentic Italian. Not nearly as good, but it’ll do if you’re really jonesing and can’t do better at the moment.

You need:

Olive oil

Squid canned in its own ink

Octopus canned in hot sauce

Oysters canned in oil

A pineapple or can of pineapple chunks

Rice (I used a basmati rice medley)

Soy sauce

Any spices that you think will taste good.

Cost: $1 0- $20

Steam about 3 cups of rice and set it aside.

Hull, skin, and dice up about half of a pineapple or more depending on your taste. 

Heat about 3 tablespoons of oil in a pan over medium heat, and add the rice, stirring frequently to keep it from sticking.  After about two minutes, add the pineapple and continue to stir for about another two minutes.

Add the oysters. If you have large oysters then cut them up a bit with the spatula.

Now add the squid…

and the octopus.

Add about 2 table spoons of soy sauce and continue to stir fry it until the pineapple is hot throughout.

The rice itself is good. It’s a tad softer than I wanted it, but I like the texture. The soy sauce combined well with the squid ink. The pineapple adds a nice bit of texture to the dish and keeps the flavor dynamic. The octopus tastes good but it’s a bit chewy. That is normal for canned octopus though, so it’s not really unexpected.  The squid is tender, flavorful, and blends nicely with the other flavors, as does the oyster. Adding a little hot sauce makes it even better. That oughta hold me over for a little bit. Stay queer!

Fried Chicken Hearts

I find myself increasingly open to trying organ meats. I was hesitant about the tripe, I was slightly apprehensive about the tongue, and when I saw a package of chicken hearts I excitedly purchased it without a second thought.

Really, who could resist?

Since this is something I’ve never cooked before, I’ll go to my old standby and fry them up.

You need:

Scallions

Garlic

Chicken Hearts

Oil

Total: $1 - $10

Coarsely chop as many scallions and garlic cloves you’d like. I used three of each.

Sautee them in oil until the scallions and garlic start to brown slightly.

Add the hearts. Stir occasionally, to turn the hearts and keep the veggies from sticking to the bottom of the pan.  You want the hearts to turn dark brown.

It’s like a fatty piece of dark meat, only it’s a bit hard to bite through. Cardiovascular muscle is pretty dense and these feel almost like they have a sausage casing over them. It's not half bad, especially if you like dark meat. I even made a sandwich with it.  There is the slight disadvantage of my girlfriend refusing to kiss me, but that shouldn’t affect you because I’d punch you if you kissed her anyway. Despite devouring the hearts of an entire farm of chickens, I'm not sure if I absorbed any of their power. Hopefully I’ll gain their strength and courage in addition to what I have already, and not as a complete substitution. Stay queer!

Lengua

Lengua is a Mexican beef dish.  Wanna see what part of the cow it uses?

That pan is about 10 inches across.

You know, I had tongue once before.  I visited my best friend in Philly recently and she was kind enough to buy me a quarter pound of sliced beef tongue from a deli. It smelled like a mix of pastrami and cat food.  Tasted alright though.

Unfortunately, girlfriend is not currently available to be traumatized. Luckily, my good friend Emi, who is also a vegetarian, has opted to be present during the bulk of its preparation. Lucky thing too. Half of the fun of this blog is inflicting it on others.  Of course, this is one of MY friends we’re talking about here.  They don't horrify easily and they tend to bounce back quickly. As I began prep we bantered about how the cow probably wanted to be an actress when she grew up, and had a loving family, and was going to go to college before it was all tragically cut short. Naturally, I held it in front of my mouth while standing very close to Emi as she was looking at something else and made a loud, throaty “BLULULULUAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG” sound when she noticed me. You know, the usual stuff people do when cooking. You know, I can't help but notice that the taste buds are pretty prominent.  You could feel them through the packaging.  By the way, if you’re a tongue aficionado and the color of the tongue seems a bit off, it’s because it was pre-smoked, not raw.

You need:

Beef tongue

5 Green chilis: I used serrano peppers

2 cans of corn

4 roma tomatoes

A small white or yellow onion

4 cloves of garlic

Total cost: $20 - $30 

Before you do anything else, you have to boil the tongue for 40-50 minutes per pound.  Why?  Because you need to skin it, of course!  Who ever heard of eating the skin on a cow tongue?  That would just be gross. By the way Emi noted that it smells like hot dogs.  As it boiled the smell became more and more prominent, until it filled every inch of my tiny, studio apartment.  Infer from that what you will. When it's done, set the tongue aside to cool for a few minutes.

Now skin it.  I thought this would be difficult, but you can actually just peel it off with your fingers.  It comes off very easily.

Now thinly slice the tongue.  The meat is very tender and easy to cut, so this only takes a minute.  You can chop it more finely if your skillet isn’t big enough. 

Now get your veggies ready!  In a skillet, roast the peppers over medium heat until the sides are charred.  The more charred it is, the easier it is to skin them.  Take them off of the heat, let them cool off a bit and rub the skin off.  If you’re using very hot peppers, or doubt your manual dexterity you should wear gloves to keep oil from getting under your nails because that shit is ridiculously painful. I once got datil pepper oil under my thumb nail and I thought it was going to melt off. Now cut off the tops and coarsely chop the peppers.  If you want your lengua to be spicier, leave the seeds in.  Now thinly slice the onion, mince the garlic, and coarsely shop the tomatoes.  Get your cans of corn ready as well.

Heat oil in a skillet over medium-high heat.  Transfer the peppers, garlic, and onion into the pan. Cook until the onions are translucent.

Add the beef tongue.  Cook for an additional 10 minutes to brown the meat.

Add the tomatoes, and cook them until they’re soft.  5 minutes should do it.

Finally, add drain and add the corn.  Cook for another 5 minutes or so to heat it. My skillet was not nearly big enough for this.

It tastes a bit like bland beef, but the fat gives it a hint of sweetness that's a bit like pork.  The slight heat from the peppers is quite nice and the firm texture of the corn compliments the tenderness of the beef. All of the meat and veggies absorbed some of the oil from the hot peppers, so the heat is nice and even, without being too strong.  All of the ingredients complement each other very nicely. This is really excellent.  I’m sure your average American meat-eater would love this as long as you don’t tell them it has tongue in it. That apparently works for hot dogs.  Stay queer!

Spicy Cornbread and Stuffing

Thanks to the kindness of one of my close friends (thanks, Mik!) we venture once more to Ass Kickin’ territory. I love stuffing, and what better way to ring in the new year than with some fire hole! (Ask a friend who eats a lot of spicy food.  They’ll explain that one to you) 

Fire hole: everyone's problem

You need:

Cornbread mix 

2 eggs

2 cups of milk

A third of a cup of butter or margarine

¾ of a cup of cheddar cheese

Total cost: $10 - $20

Melt the butter and mix it ina  bowl with the cornbread mix, eggs, milk, and cheese.  Like last time, I added the entire packet of ground habanero, much to the dismay of my girlfriend.  At least we both agreed that the batter smells wonderful.

Put it in the fridge for 15 minutes.  Stir and transfer to a baking pan.

Cook it at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes.  It’s done when a toothpick or knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

Eating two pieces of this was a struggle.  At time of writing, it's one of the hottest things I’ve ever tasted, and I LOVE IT.  Girlfriend can’t handle it and is a bit pissed at me for adding all of the pepper.  It was totally worth it, more for me!  It’s not a flavorful as the beer bread because the heat comes really fast and strong, so it kind of drowns out the taste of the bread itself.  If you’re lucky, you’ll get a hint of cheese. It tastes very good with butter, which also dulls the heat somewhat.  From what I can tell so far, the cornbread itself is tasty.  I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but it ain’t sweet.  Now to make the stuffing!

You need:

A pan of the bread

Water or chicken broth (unless you’re dating a vegetarian, in which case you will be forced to use vegetable broth L )

½ cup of butter

Celery

A small onion

Total cost: roughly an additional 5 bucks.

Break the bread up into little pieces and finely chop a cup of celery and 4 tablespoons of onion.

Melt the butter in a pan and saute the veggies in it until they’re tender.

Take it off the heat and mix in the water or broth.  The recipe called for a ¼ cup, but I like my stuffing to be moist so I added a full cup.

Now mix the contents of the pan with the bread and toss it lightly.

It’s still very hot, but a bit less so and it takes a second to hit you.  You can taste the bread more now and it’s pretty damn good.  Girlfriend enjoys it too!  I’d love to try it with some chicken, or turkey.  I feel like this would be a hit at a barbecue. Stay queer!