Scorpion Lollipop

For Christmas, Emi got me a scorpion lollipop. 

Mixed messages there, but whatever. The "Bugs" label has been pathetically underused on this blog anyway. Best ingredients list ever by the way.

I hope they didn't bullshit on the lollipop bit and expect the scorpion to carry the whole deal. That'd be lame. That's the problem with novelty foods, they don't expect people to actually eat them so they usually blow. I do like that name though. It sounds like an insult that Yosemite Sam might aim at a no good varmint of some kind. 

I'm happy to report that it smells like cotton candy and it's actually okay. It's got that "we can't decide if it's supposed to be strawberry or watermelon" thing going on. Tastes a little like cotton candy too. It's not all that sweet but you don't want to drown out the complexities of the scorpion (of which I assume there are many), right?

They way it's positioned in there, the head sticks out a bit before the rest of it, as if to say "HEY, BUDDY! NORMALLY I'D BE KINDA MIFFED THAT YOU'RE EATING MY HOUSE, BUT YOU SEEM CHILL" (scorpions are known for their lack of an indoor voice). Scorpion has a surprisingly coarse texture, at least compared to the lollipop. The claws and legs are a bit pointy so watch yourself. It doesn't really feel edible, but yanno, exoskeleton and all.

The friendly little corpse is very crunchy, but has no distinct flavor. Maybe it's just because the sweet drowns it out, but I don't think anyone is melting the candy off to savor the sweet, sweet taste of scorpion by itself, so I guess it doesn't really matter. The organs are slightly chewer and that last big bite is kinda gross tasting, but only because the flavor is suddenly cut with a lot of crunchy nothing.

So, scorpion will not put me off food, but it also won't sell it to me. You're welcome. Stay queer!

The Curious Package from Colorado

Goodness!  It seems that mother has sent me a small package!  Whatever could it be?

 

Oysters?  Oh, I love oysters!  But why would mother take the trouble to mail me a tin of oysters all the way from Colorado?  What’s this?  It seems that there's something else in the oyster box.

 

Mercy me.

Yup, crickets.  These aren’t your grandfather’s crickets though.  These are bacon and cheese crickets, bitch!  These are for cool kids on the go who have to have their bacon and cheese flavor right in the crickets because they ain't got no time for slicing cheese and frying bacon between sweet jam sessions, skate boarding, and wearing sunglasses regardless of whether or not they need them! I’ve been wanting to branch out into bugs lately, so this is as good a start as any. 

It’s got a nutty flavor to it and it’s very crunchy.  It's a bit like a dried soybean actually.  The hint of cheese is nice, but I don't really taste any bacon.  If I gave this to someone who was blindfolded they’d probably like it fine.  It’s not gross and it doesn’t have a weird texture or anything. That's all I really have to say about them but it’d be a shame to end so briefly.  Let’s see how it stacks up with some other foods.

OREO

No noticeable difference other than a faint nutty flavor.  If you smush it down, it doesn’t look any different from a regular oreo.  Not bad for a practical joke.

Mustard

Mustard + cheese + cricket = delightful!

Ice cream

The texture reminds me of praline crunch ice cream and it only had a faint aftertaste.  Again, not bad for a practical joke.  These things are like whoopie cushion of the animal kingdom.

Tuna

Not at all bad but canned tuna that’s crunchy is somewhat unsettling, especially considering the redundancy of adding bugs to tuna.  Stay queer!