Twinkie Wiener Sandwich

Do you want to know something totally insane?  I’ve LOST weight since I started this blog.  Granted, it’s not like I make most of this stuff more than once, but still.  I think I may be trying to see what I can get away with at this point.  In continuing with my quest to try weird food, we return once again to the land of the conveniently inexpensive, wacky snack foods.

Where did this one come from?   A little Weird Al movie called UHF. It’s gratuitously silly, and fucking awesome, and you should watch it.  In one scene Al makes and eats the titular snack.  I remember seeing it for the first time some years back and wondering what it tasted like, so why the fuck not?  Hm, Weird Al came up with a snack that is being featured in Allison’s queer blog.  Maybe it’s fate.

You need:

Twinkies: Big thanks to my friend Emi for getting them for me!

Hot dogs

Cheese whiz

Total cost: $1 - $10

It’s probably in your best interest to cook the hot dog first, but who am I to squelch your spirit?  There’s no need for words here. Let’s just watch the master.

You know, I read somewhere that Weird Al actually does enjoy these in real life. 

IT TASTES LIKE A CORNDOG WITH CREAM! :O

Holy shit…wow.  I think I just ate the platonic ideal of America.  This is the exactly the kind of grossly overindulgent, heart-attack-and-self-loathing-inducing, trashy, sugary, low class, lazy, unhealthy, fucking MIRACLE of the human mind that deserves a place on my blog!  Make this now, and then never ever do it again unless you lead an active lifestyle and generally eat right.  Oh, and you saw how he dunked it in milk?  That made it better!  Ok, maybe next week I’ll make something a little healthier.  Stay queer!

Sinner's Sandwich and Breakfast Club Sandwich

I don’t have a camera right now.  Sorry.

Every now and again you’ll see a character in a movie, video game, tv show, etc. whip up a weird meal of some sort.  Sometimes it simply isn't food (The fraggles eating girders) and sometimes it’s because the ingredients just don’t make sense (Birdemic's entire raw fish and random, possibly inedible, seaweed that wasn't even cleaned soup). I wonder about them sometimes so I decided to make two of them that come from the latter category.  The first is the “sinner’s sandwich” from Deadly Premonition, a video game that I recently acquired.  The second is the sandwich the weird chick from The Breakfast Club eats at lunch.

You need:

Cap’n Crunch or a knock off thereof

Butter or margarine

White bread

Whole wheat bread

Pixie sticks or fun dip

Sliced turkey breast

Strawberry jam

Total cost: $10 - $20 

For the sinner’s sandwich spread strawberry jam on two slices of bread.  Add some turkey and top it off with cereal.  The type of bread and cereal is unspecified.  I went with multigrain and corn flakes because I'm eating both of these sandwiches in the same day and I don't want to get diabetes. In the game, the protagonist overhears that another character ordered this and calls it a “sinner’s sandwich” because it sounds like something someone would only eat as an act of repentance, sort of like wearing a hair shirt or self-flagellation.  The protagonist is persuaded to try it after the customer overhears and insists that it’s actually quite good.  The protagonist is shocked to discover that it’s delicious.  Skip to 0:56 to get to it.

It’s actually good!  It tastes like turkey with slightly sweeter cranberry sauce and the crunch of the cereal is really nice.  The first thing that came to mind was Thanksgiving.  It’s not good enough to warrant the protagonist’s shocked reaction and order change but it is quite tasty.  Then again, he is a huge weirdo. I think that going with a relatively bland cereal like corn flakes was a good choice because I think that a sugary cereal would have made it too sweet.

One of the most famous scenes in The Breakfast Club is the lunch scene because of the weird sandwich that Allison makes.  To recreate it, butter a slice of white bread and a slice of wheat bread.  Spread the contents of a pixie stick or one bag of fun dip evenly over both slices.  Take a heaping handful of cereal and crunch it on to one slice so that it sticks in the butter. Repeat this process with the other and carefully put the two halves together.  The way the other characters react to this is priceless.

In retrospect, it was a terrible idea to have a cup of coffee before eating this.

Wow, this is more surprising than the sinner's sandwich.  It’s like a crunchy, strawberry cream filled pastry. It’s the sort of thing you eat after going through a rough breakup while listening to cheesy love songs on repeat.  My only real complaint is that I’m now uncomfortably energetic.  

I expected that at least one of these would be bad or at least taste funny.  I admit this is probably mostly because the characters who eat them are both very weird. Although, in fairness, the guy who orders the sinner’s sandwich isn’t the one who came up with the recipe.  Stay queer!