Kiwano AKA Horned Melon

Horned melons are native to Africa and are currently also cultivated in parts of the US, South America, and Australia. So why have you probably not heard of it?

Well, it's just not very popular, to be honest. This one was 2.99, which is a little bit pricey for its size and not so flattering reputation. The pulp is pretty much entirely edible seeds suspended in little packets of flesh, sort of like a pomegranate, which is not always what you want from your melons. It looks cool though.

It smells kind of like an under ripe banana crossed with a cucumber. It's not a very strong scent, but it's definitely distinct. It tastes like a combination thereof with a hint of citrus. It's very juicy and hydrating. Kiwano are one of very few sources of water in the Kalahari Desert during the dry season, and I can certainly see it being useful in that situation, but not so much in cooking. The texture is sort of like cucumber seeds suspended in aloe vera jelly. Overall, the effect inspires a resounding "meh". There's nothing really special about kiwano, aside from its appearance. Emi described it as the cousin Oliver to the pomegranate’s Brady Bunch. Same idea, no one really likes them. Stay queer!

Ugli Fruit

It's pronounced “ugly”. Yes, that was intentional. Ugli fruit are Jamaican and are actually trademarked. You should see these things when they're not ripe. Blugh. They're this gross, uneven shade of green. They look like something you'd find in a giant's handkerchief. Apparently, this fruit is the product of hybridizing grapefruit, oranges, and tangerines. They're pretty big too.  

For the sake of scale (and adorability), here's an ugli fruit next to my flat mate's cat, who is slightly larger than average.

One fruit cost $1.99 and I'd never seen one before this Spring. I was looking for Korean melons and I found a big pile of these eyesores. The one pictured is easily the best looking one I could find. Still, looks are no reason to assume that it isn't tasty. The rind is thick and loosely attached to the fruit. It's very easy to peel, you can do it in one big piece pretty easily.

It has a pleasant and zesty citrus scent. Kind of like a cross between an orange and a lemon. The wedges are also quite easy to pull apart. What it lacks in looks, it makes up for in ease of use. It's got a light, tangerine-like sweetness with an undertone of grapefruit, which is quite nice. The flavor starts off sweet and ends tart, which is kind of cool. I don't really like grapefruit because it's just too tart, and I think this would be a nice alternative for people who feel similarly. It's actually tastes very similar to a cocktail that I'm fond of called Pang's Punch. I realize that only like 15 people who read this will know what the fuck that is, but that's probably 10 more people than will actually read it, and 4 of those five will have had one recently anyway. Stay queer!

Korean Red Ginseng Candy

I hate ginseng. A lot. I hate it almost as much as I hate echinacea, although both herbs taste like dirt about equally. How much do I hate echinacea? It's part of why I hate hippies, because hippies love echinacea. 

I've never had red ginseng before. It'd never occurred to me that someone might take this hateful little root and try to make it into candy.

Unlike a lot of hard candies, this one actually has a noticeable scent. You can smell them as soon as you open the container, you don't even have to unwrap them. I think it smells like top soil. My room mate think it smells like her mom's bedroom...

But how does it taste?

Like a fusion of mint, honey, and dirt. No, seriously. It's like a cough drop that was made with dirt and they tried to hide it by making it too sweet. God, it's just as awful as I remember. Marketing this as candy is criminal. This is medicine. That's fine, just CALL IT THAT. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go cleanse my palate. Stay queer!

Kachori

I was in a Pakistani/Indian grocery store at one point during my jaunt to Philly. Besty and I stopped in so she could get some stuff to make kombucha, which may get its own post in the future. I noticed that the majority of the products were vegetarian and flour-based. I hadn’t really expected that but I don’t know much about Indian food and almost nothing about Pakistani food. Naturally, I had to try at least one thing there. I had a hard time picking a snack food because it seemed like all of them were essentially flour in a variety of different shapes. Flour twists, flour wheels, flour wads, etc. They were actually kind of cool looking but they didn't seem very distinct from one another. It wasn’t like there were barbecue flour wads and sour cream and onion flour wads and buffalo flour wads.  When I found one that advertised itself as made of flour and spicy I went for it. The real clincher is that the packaging reads “Nutritious & Hygienic!!!” on the top, with “SPICY STUFFED BALLS” across the front, which made me think fondly on my first post.

Cost: $1 - $10

I was kind of expecting it to be crunchy but it’s actually soft. The outside is flakey layer of pastry. It’s spicy in that it tastes like someone mixed together the contents of an entire spice rack with some water and molded it into a wad. The most prominent flavor is fennel, which is generally not a flavor I like to be prominent. Not that it’s bad, it’s just kind of bland and disappointingly fattening. The bag is about the size of a small bag of chips, the bag has 10 servings, and each serving is 110 calories. Damn. If you though I was exaggerating the “wad o’ spices” aspect, the ingredients are: refined wheat flour, gram pulse flour, vegetable oil, sugar, salt, tamarind, red chili powder, fennel, coriander, sesame seeds, cumin, ginger, nutmeg, mace, cinnamon, cardamom, and asafetida. Eating it reminds me of potpourri or a shop in one of those stupid colonial recreation towns where every place that sells anything has a bunch of dried herbs on the walls. I guess the take away message is that hippies, hipsters, and sad bastards who pretend to be worldly to get tail should take note. Stay queer!

Eggplant Burger

This takes about an hour, but it’s really easy and inexpensive.  I like vegan and vegetarian food and I feel like it doesn't get enough attention in this blog.  At first I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find anything weird in that category, but then I realized that my attitude towards it isn't shared by most Americans.  I’ve seen people turn their nose up at vegan and vegetarian food without even trying it.  Some people respond to “we have regular burgers and veggie burgers” as though the person speaking had said “we have regular burgers and I farted on every single one of them.” You know what? Several kinds of Oreos are vegan.  So are Nutter Butters.  So is a wide variety of alcohol.  Keep in mind, these don’t necessarily have to be vegan.  If you really take issue with it there’s nothing stopping you from slapping some cheese on there or even just using it as a burger topping instead.  Where’s the fun in that though?

You need:

An eggplant

Burger buns

Salt

Cost: $1 - $10

Slice some eggplant into silver dollars, and skin them.  Lightly salt both sides of each slice.

Now put them between two plates.  

Let them sit like that for about an hour.  You’re basically pressing the nastiness out. If you’re wondering what I meant by that, here’s a picture.  

The eggplant will secrete a dark liquid from being pressed. I’m pretty sure I’m not winning over anyone who isn't a fan of eggplant, but oh well. Just slap it on a bun, add whatever toppings you want, and you’re done!

These are super filling and there’s barely any cleanup.  Raw eggplant is soft, with a slight crunch to it, and tastes wonderfully fresh.  It makes a really good nice snack on a hot day.  Yeah, it doesn’t taste anything like a real burger, but it’s still satisfying.  On top of being filling and tasty, it’s low in calories.  Is that lame to you?  Do you need a bad boy edge to your food?  Well, eggplant contains more nicotine than any other edible plant. According to Wikipedia, about 20 lbs of eggplant has as much nicotine as a cigarette.  Mark my words, before you know it, street toughs will be standing in corners eating raw eggplants.  Not those hoity-toity rich posers who can afford to spend mommy’s money on cigarettes.  No, these will be the hardcore hooligans who live off the streets, and need to get their nic fix from eggplants to save up money for all the switchblades and leather jackets they need.  Do you really want to get on the bad side of people like that? No?  Then stay queer, square.

Durian Fruit: Raw and Fried

Sorry for the hiatus.  I moved and started grad school so I was a bit busy with getting settled and all that.  I've decided that the break is over, and now I'm ready to really knuckle down and eat weird things for the entertainment of myself and others! (Mostly myself.)

Yes, a durian fruit.  It's called the King of Fruit by some.  I'm not sure how one determines fruit hierarchy, but I'm pretty sure that if all of the fruit in the world became self aware, sprouted limbs and engaged in some sort of battle royale, the durian fruit would win without too much resistance.  Why?

Go on, guess.

The fruit in that picture weights about 5 pounds and I can't pick it up with my bare hands because the spikes are so sharp.  These things grow on trees by the way...TALL trees.  They're also notorious for their smell, which is VERY strong and generally disliked.

A tad pricy and difficult to find but I don’t mind because a) first post in two weeks, so I’ll suck it up b) my girlfriend and room mate are both in different states and won’t be subjected to the smell and c) I actually found one so yay. 

You need:

A durian fruit: I got mine for 2.09 a pound, so about 10 bucks.  Ripe durians weight between 4 and 7 lbs if I recall correctly.

Total cost: $10 - $20

I’ve actually had durian once before, about 2 or 3 years ago.  It was like vanilla pudding with a strong undertone of red onion and it smelled like rotting garbage, particularly celery.  According to a friend of mine who refused to let us eat it in her apartment, it smelled of “garbage, cat piss and bad weed.”  Pungency and flavor varies based on how ripe it is though.  There are a bunch of different kinds of durian, but only one of them is sold internationally.  Let’s see how it tastes raw first.

It smells like slightly rotted almonds.  I haven’t cracked the husk yet.  Yes, the smell permeates the husk.

The husk may look hard but it has natural seams and the spikes, while very sharp, are actually somewhat bendable. If you’re careful, you can pull the sections apart with your hands.

Yup, as I remember it!  More like custard actually.  The flesh is soft and gooey and very easy to chew.  The consistency is nice and the flavor is good, if a bit weird.  This would be a bit cloying if you eat it too fast though.  Still, it's very tasty.  Smells more strongly now but I’d actually call it aromatic and pungent, rather than saying it stinks.  It scent carries a whiff of slight over ripeness but is strongly fruity, a tad like banana actually.  Now, those chunks of flesh naturally section off into wads, each of which has a pretty big seed in them.  Remove them, it’s not hard.

Now to fry it up.  Nothing special about this recipe.  Just heat some oil over medium heat and fry until both sides are partially browned, like how you would fry a banana.

Wow, this is really good.  The outside gets firm and crunchy and the inside stays creamy.  It loses a little bit of it sweetness and some of the oniony taste is gone.  Actually, once again I’m reminded of a banana, even though this is less sweet than that.  By the way, durian is like catnip to vegans and fruitarians. They eat it by the crate-load and, if you give a group of them enough, they start to act a little it high. I've seen it happen. It's adorable. Stay queer!