Rich Kid Prison Spread

For this post, I was actually inspired by the sickening commercialization of St Mark’s Place.  In the spirit of making things safer and more accessible to sheltered, rich, jerks at the expense of what made it cool in the first place, I’m going to take the prison spread recipe and get my gentrification on.  Ideally I would have gone to Whole Foods for the ingredients but, fittingly enough, it’s currently a bit out of my price range.  Ouch.  I’m going into this expecting it to be good.  I don’t know if I will have that wonderful decadence factor, but it will be healthier and with better, if more expensive, ingredients, so really I’m improvi- OH FUCK IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING HERE! (p.s.: This post only has the "prison food" tag to make searching for it easier.)

Ahem.

Anyway, you need:

Charmingly ethnic queso dip

Gourmet spicy Soy and flaxseed chips

Authentic canned sockeye salmon

Genuine Trader Ming’s Pad Thai

Optional: Hot sauce and spices.

Cost: about $10 - $20

Boil some water.  In a resealable container (for authenticity), combine the pad thai noodles (set the sauce aside for now)

the salmon

queso dip to your taste 

and a few ground up chips.  Hand grind the chips, just like the little people do. It'll show everyone how down to Earth you are, even if you do live in a $8000 a month apartment in Manhattan.

Add just enough water to cover it and mix it up a little bit.  Now seal the container and wrap in it in an L.L.Bean  sleeping bag or an ironically hideous sweater to cook.  Actually, the noodles are a bit thick for that so you can just boil it for a few minutes in a pot or one of those charming little electric tea kettles if you’d rather.

Drain off the excess water carefully, mix in the pad thai sauce and spices of your choice.  I added some habanero hot sauce and garlic powder.

Sweet, spicy, and cheesy.  It still feels decadent, but not in the same way.  It’s quite good, but it isn’t the cheesy mess of sodium that prison spread is.  Doesn’t look any prettier either.  I think the other recipes are a bit better, but my palette may just be unrefined or  damaged from all the stuff I’ve consumed for this blog.  Stay queer and kill yuppies!