Huitlacocha AKA Cuitlacocha AKA Smut Corn Breakfast Burrito

It's pretty amazing what humans can eat. It's even more amazing that we can take so many seemingly gross things and make them tasty. More amazing still is our ability to take a gross thing, which is objectively rotten, infected, or otherwise spoiled and sell it for an inflated price. Welcome, friends, to the world of smut corn!

Smut corn starts out its life like any other ear of corn until, one day, it's infected with a charming little fungal disease called "ustilago maydis", which enters the ovaries of the corn and replaces the kernels with big, mushroomy tumors. The name "huitlacocha" roughly translates to "sleeping shit". So, these are sleeping shit corn ovarian tumors. Nom nom nom! It's important to harvest smut corn before the fungus runs its course because, near the end of it's life cycle, the tumors are filled with spores, which hurts the texture and flavor of the tumors, and sanity of everyone within a 20 foot radius, unless they pass a DC 25 will check. Of course, as an avid consumer of hot dogs, my disgust is purely playful. There's also no way that this could be grosser than raisins. BTW, you'll have left over smut corn since this recipe is too big for one burrito so either refrigerate the excess or have some friends (or enemies) over and a make a day of it. Depending on tortilla size and how full they are, you could probably make somewhere between 4 and 8 burritos.

You need:
A can of smut corn
A small onion, 2 cloves of garlic and some serrano chilies. 
Eggs
Tortilla
Salsa
Oil

Cost: $10 - $20 because a can of smut corn cost me $7.99. This (sleeping) shit is EXPENSIVE unless you live right near where they cultivate it or you have your own little plot of diseased corn. Oh, by the way, smut corn does occur (I was gonna say "grow" but "occur" seems more appropriate) in the US but it's almost always thrown away; there have been targeted efforts here to eradicate ustilago maydis. What don't Big Pharma and the corn magnates want us to know??

Chop up your veggies and heat a few tablespoons oil in a skillet over medium heat. Sautee the onion and garlic until the onion is translucent, which should take about 3 or 4 minutes. Add the diced chilies and sautee them for another minute or two. 

Doesn't that look nice?

Now add your smut corn.

Huh, I see where the name comes from now.

Stir it constantly for about 6 minutes. If you over cook these things, they get slimy. The only thing worse than tumors in your burrito is slimy tumors in your burrito, amirite? Take that off the heat and set it aside.

Here's what an individual tumor looks like.Fans of Final Fantasy X might find this vaguely familiar.

Beer bottle is for scale.

Just for a quick break from the unrelenting horror, here is a picture of my room mate's cat, chilling in a box which we have dubbed The Dread Fort, along with his second in command, Moose Bolton:

The sign reads "No Girls Allowed". It's his man cave, you see.

Anyway, in another pan, melt some butter. In a bowl, beat two eggs and add seasoning to your taste. Transfer the eggs to the skillet, add a few large spoonfuls of the smut corn mixture, and quickly scramble the eggs.

Transfer that to a tortilla, add a nice big dollop of salsa and wrap that bitch up.

Huh, not bad by itself. Kinda like spicy, mushroomy, black beans. It's awesome as a burrito filling! The texture is very soft, the closest comparison I can give is refried beans, but it's not as thick and sticky. When you bite into a tumor, it's kind of like a sauteed onion filled with a mushroomy and almost kinda cheesey thick cream inside of it. It's better than black beans actually and it's delicious with the eggs. Wow, if you get the chance to have smut corn in a burrito or quesedilla, fucking go for it. I devoured this thing. I just wish it were cheaper here. Lesson learned I guess: maybe if someone compares someone or something to shit, they only mean aesthetically. Stay queer!

Spicy Crab and Pineapple Omlette

I was going to do something Halloween-themed, since it’s my favorite holiday.  Unfortunately, my schedule has been more crazy than usual.  In fact, I actually made the dish for this post over a week ago, I just haven’t had the time to write something up. Expect something Halloween-themed (or at least filled with candy) next week.

I decided to try a little crossover of Caribbean and omelette this time. Caribbean often combines fruit and seafood to delicious effect. I see no reason why it shouldn't be a part of breakfast.

You need:

Crab (canned is fine): 3.29

Cheese: 1.79

Eggs: 1.79

Salt and pepper to your taste

Hot sauce: 1.29

Total cost:  Less than 10 bucks.

More seafood, more omlettes, as it should be.  It may seem like I’m being lazy and cheap, but that’s just because I am.  Now, this recipe is very similar to the eelmlette, but there is a fundamental difference.   Step 2 of the eelmlette is “add eel”, whereas step two of this recipe is “Add pineapple hot sauce, cheese and crab.”.  You will notice that none of those things are eel.  (We will ignore for now that the eel wasn’t actually eel either.)

Ok.  Step 1: Start making an omlette.

Step 2: Add pineapple hot sauce, cheese and crab.

Step 3: Finish making omlette.  

Those of you who live in temperate, sub-tropical or tropical areas with access to the ocean will probably be totally unsurprised to hear that hot sauce, crab, and pineapple all taste very nice together.  Those of you who do not, are allergic to shellfish or who scream like a little girl who just stepped on a worm when presented with any cuisine more exotic than a corndog, may be a bit surprised.  (Also, if you’re in the latter category then kindly fuck off back to mommy’s kitchen.  This blog is for those of us who ate sandwiches with the crust on as kids and like our orange juice with extra pulp, bitch!)  The pineapple gives you a nice little burst of juice whenever you bite into a chunk and mixes quite nicely with the hot sauce and cheese, although the pineapple juice can make it a little runny.  I like the texture of the crab meat and the flavor is pretty subtle.  I guess I just didn’t use enough crab.  Also, it made my girlfriend throw up in her mouth. It’s her own fault though, she’s a vegetarian and she watched me make it, so she should have known better.  That’ll teach her to be supportive!  So yeah, sorry for the lateness and brevity.  I just finished with my midterms and I have a proposal due tomorrow. (The cash monies!  I needs them so bad!)  Happy Halloween everyone!  Eat loads of candy, get drunk, and stay queer!

Eelmelette

I continue my campaign of destruction against the young and unborn this week.  Why?  Because I found this in a grocery store:

 

You don't see that every day.  Also, it’s supposed to be spicy.  Good enough for me.  What better way to try them out than to smother them in congealed milk and lovingly wrap them up in a layer of chicken menstruation?  They look kind of like giant pin worms.

 

You need:

Eggs

Cheese

Baby eel

Total: $1 - $10

I usually don’t add milk to omlettes.  The chef in Deep Blue Sea discourages it at one point in the film, and any black, comedy relief character who manages to survive in a film about giant, monster sharks probably knows what’s up.  That’s not why I usually don’t use milk, it’s just that you can’t argue with that kind of logic.

So yeah, here we go.

STEP 1: Start to make an omlette.

STEP 2: Add eel.

STEP 3: Finish making the omlette.

It seems that more and more of my posts contain foods that conceal horrible secrets. Unfortunately, my pics got deleted.

It has a weak sweet and fishy flavor but it tastes really good with the cheese and some red pepper.  The texture isn’t weird or nasty at all.  They feel sort of like soft, short pieces of cooked spaghetti.  I thought actually having one in my mouth would feel gross or something but it’s really fine. 'Twas a fine eelmlette indeed.

Ok, confession time: it’s not REALLY eel.  It’s “Eelbroods of Surimi”.  Surimi is made of fish, there’s no eel in it.  Interestingly enough it lists “natural aroma of eel and ink” in the ingredients though.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s still weird. Besides, why spoil the illusion before the very end of the post?  Where’s the fun in that?  Also, I bought it before I realized that, so there’s that too,  Stay queer!

Spicy Beer Bread!

This week was pretty busy, so I didn’t have much time to scout for new recipes.  Luckily, one of my sisters gave me a late birthday gift: beer and habanero bread mix!  

My culinary equivalent of two abusive lovers unified by way of bread; what could go wrong?  As you probably noticed, it advertises that it will “Kick yo’ ass!”, and I will be very disappointed if it doesn’t deliver.  Many a beverage, sauce, or dish has promised me a mouthful of hot, fiery capsaicin, only to deliver the tiniest whimper of heat, leaving me feeling unsatisfied and ashamed.  As a nod to the time honored tradition that is drinking in the morning, the bag also has instructions for French toast too.  

You will need:

A package of Ass Kickin' Beer Bread mix

A beer. I went with Yuengling Black and Tan (Big thanks to my friend Mik for buying me a 6 pack of it earlier this week!)

A dash of cinnamon 

Butter for greasing a pan 

A tablespoon of milk(soy milk works too)

1/4 tablespoon of vanilla extract
Price Range: $10 - $20

Lightly grease the bottom of a 13 x 9 pan and preheat the oven to 350.

The bag itself contains a package of bread mix and a small packet of ground habanero. The mix itself smells like it has some kind of hot pepper in it as well.  The bag recommends putting in different amounts of the ground pepper based on how spicy you want it and there's more than enough to induce heartburn and firehole.  Naturally, I put the whole thing in.  Just add the beer and stir it all together.  The dough is really thick and gooey, like biscuit batter.  Pour it into the pan and spread it as evenly as you can.

Bake it for 50-60 minutes.  It’s done when the top is brown and crunchy.

It tastes awesome!  It has a texture like cornbread and it's really, wonderfully spicy.  The heat takes a second to hit you and builds up gradually so be careful about eating it too quickly.  It tastes great with butter and honey.  I'd also recommend having some milk on hand.  Now for the French toast.  Melt some butter in a frying pan.  Mix together one egg, a table spoon of milk, a quarter tablespoon of vanilla extract, and a dash of cinnamon.   

That’s enough to coat one slice.  Coat a slice with as much of the mixture as possible and start frying it.  Pour any excess mixture on top of it.   

Fry each side until the egg is cooked, about 2 minutes per side on medium heat did it for me.

The French toast is quite good!  It’s softer and easier to cut than normal French toast too.  The addition of the egg coating delay the heat a bit and let's you taste the toast itself. I’m really enjoying the contrast between the sweet and spicy and it's quite good with maple syrup. 

Stay queer!