Saturday, April 23, 2011

Instant jellyfish with all of the trimmings!

I was in an Asian grocery store this weekend and this caught my eye.

It’s super cheap and I’ve never had jellyfish before, so why not?  The directions amount to, “Put it in a dish and stir in the seasoning”.  

For the advanced chef, the package recommends putting the jellyfish in 60-70c boiled water for 5 to 10 seconds to make it “better tasty”. 

For the super advanced chef: The bag recommends adding shredded carrot, green peppers or shredded pork to make it even more better tasty.  I appreciate that the bag doesn't want me to burn myself out but I'ma  grown woman and I know my limits. Fuck better tasty, better tasty is for quitters. I’m going for BEST tasty.  I’m gonna squeeze as much better tasty out of this stuff as possible by USING ALL THREE EXTRA INGREDIENTS.  Yeah, sorry 'bout all the computer screens that just got damaged by legions of spit takes across the world. By the way, here’s a link to the nutrition info:

I can think of a ton of reasons why you might have an aversion to instant jellyfish but at least it isn’t fattening.  In the end, isn't that what really matters? 

No, no it isn't and if you think it is then you're wrong.

You need:
Feng Zheng Instant Natural Jellyfish Sesame Chilli Flavour (at time of writing it was $1.19, but it may have taken off with weeaboos and be more pricy now)
Shredded carrot to your taste
Chopped green bell pepper to your taste
 Shredded or chopped pork to your taste
Price range: $1 - $10 (unless you're completely insane and decided to buy a ham for the purpose of gussying up instant jellyfish)

This is the most enticing package of instant jellyfish I've ever seen.

After submerging the bag of jellyfish in boiling water for 8 seconds:

Ah, virgin jellyfish, unsullied and pristine... or rather it was before it was packaged but that's not the point here.

Ok, that's way better.

The jellyfish itself has pretty much no flavor, but what did I expect from something that’s mostly water?  The seasoning makes up for it though, it’s pleasantly spicy.  I assume that if you prepare it properly it absorbs flavor but I dunno. I kinda like the texture.  It’s got a nice crunch to it, a little bit like raw squid.  My friend Deidra said it reminded her a bit too much of cartilage for her taste.  I think it reminded me too little of cartilage for my taste. It goes well with the pork but spicy + pork + nothing = spicy pork so I can't give the jellyfish too much credit here.  The carrots and pepper add an extra crunch to it that I’m enjoying.  All in all I’d say this isn’t half bad, especially for the price.  

Also, I wrote this like a week ago and didn't throw up or die so there's another point in its favor. (UPDATE: I wrote this like 3 years ago and I'm still not dead.I have thrown up in that time, but I think it was mostly related to bad asparagus and copious amounts of alcohol)

Stay queer!