Say what you like about prisoners, but they can be damn creative when it comes to food. Prison cuisine is inexpensive and relies on ingredients that you can find at most gas stations, making it ideal for a shiftless, lazy, delinquent such as myself. So, without further ado, let’s take in all of the exotic luxuries of prison, with hopefully fewer shankings and destroyed futures.
You will need:
A slim jim or similar beef stick
A bag of regular corn chips
A bag of spicy corn chips or puffs of your choice
Total cost: $1 - $10
I’d like to mention that I had to go to FIVE stores for this recipe, which is the record. Apparently this part of Long Island is too good for slim jims.
|Officially harder to get than instant jellyfish and quail eggs.|
Feel free to use whatever brands and flavors of chip you want, prison cuisine isn't terribly delicate. As I understand, the important thing is that the snacks are corn-based and that at least one of them is spicy.
Before we begin, I should let you know that this is SHOCKINGLY fattening. I didn’t expect a wad of chips and beef jerky to be healthy or anything, but I’ve clocked this at about 910 calories and 59% of your daily sodium requirement. I mostly blame the Fritos. I plan my caloric intake around my blog posts but for fuck’s sake. No wonder there are so many porkers on those real life prison shows.
Anyway, once you’re done apologizing to your body, crunch up both bags thoroughly and mix them together in one of the bags. Never did I ever think I’d be glad that bags of chips are mostly air. Oh, that's another cool thing about prison cuisine; few to no dishes have to be cleaned.
Add about an eight 1/8 of a cup of hot water a little bit at a time. Heads up, the bag is NOT a good insulator. You want just enough that the chip crumbs turn into a thick mush. If necessary, drain off any excess water.
Cut or rip the beef stick into sections shorter than the widith of the bag.
Now cram those into the mush. Try and get them into the center and covered.
|If only the evidence had been hidden so well...|
Now tightly wrap the bag closed and rolled down as far as it will go. Let it sit for about 5 minutes.
Rip the bag open and ta-da!
It's kind of like a tamale (which makes sense because another, much more depressing, nickname for it is "prison tamale") and I’m really surprised at how well it’s holding together. It’s a little bland though. Hot sauce makes it better and the slim jim keeps it from tasting too boring. It’s isn’t bad per se but it’s less tasty than each of the ingredients separately. The flavoring of the chips is kind of lost so it's like a big wad of unsalted corn chip. Then again, compared to prison food I’m sure it’s great. I will admit that it is pleasantly warm and very filling so it’s probably a decent comfort food, which is half of the point of prison cuisine. I get the feeling that I would like it much more if I were really drunk. This thing seems like it’s specifically designed for the munchies. Stay Queer!