Kiwano AKA Horned Melon

Horned melons are native to Africa and are currently also cultivated in parts of the US, South America, and Australia. So why have you probably not heard of it?

Well, it's just not very popular, to be honest. This one was 2.99, which is a little bit pricey for its size and not so flattering reputation. The pulp is pretty much entirely edible seeds suspended in little packets of flesh, sort of like a pomegranate, which is not always what you want from your melons. It looks cool though.

It smells kind of like an under ripe banana crossed with a cucumber. It's not a very strong scent, but it's definitely distinct. It tastes like a combination thereof with a hint of citrus. It's very juicy and hydrating. Kiwano are one of very few sources of water in the Kalahari Desert during the dry season, and I can certainly see it being useful in that situation, but not so much in cooking. The texture is sort of like cucumber seeds suspended in aloe vera jelly. Overall, the effect inspires a resounding "meh". There's nothing really special about kiwano, aside from its appearance. Emi described it as the cousin Oliver to the pomegranate’s Brady Bunch. Same idea, no one really likes them. Stay queer!

Ugli Fruit

It's pronounced “ugly”. Yes, that was intentional. Ugli fruit are Jamaican and are actually trademarked. You should see these things when they're not ripe. Blugh. They're this gross, uneven shade of green. They look like something you'd find in a giant's handkerchief. Apparently, this fruit is the product of hybridizing grapefruit, oranges, and tangerines. They're pretty big too.  

For the sake of scale (and adorability), here's an ugli fruit next to my flat mate's cat, who is slightly larger than average.

One fruit cost $1.99 and I'd never seen one before this Spring. I was looking for Korean melons and I found a big pile of these eyesores. The one pictured is easily the best looking one I could find. Still, looks are no reason to assume that it isn't tasty. The rind is thick and loosely attached to the fruit. It's very easy to peel, you can do it in one big piece pretty easily.

It has a pleasant and zesty citrus scent. Kind of like a cross between an orange and a lemon. The wedges are also quite easy to pull apart. What it lacks in looks, it makes up for in ease of use. It's got a light, tangerine-like sweetness with an undertone of grapefruit, which is quite nice. The flavor starts off sweet and ends tart, which is kind of cool. I don't really like grapefruit because it's just too tart, and I think this would be a nice alternative for people who feel similarly. It's actually tastes very similar to a cocktail that I'm fond of called Pang's Punch. I realize that only like 15 people who read this will know what the fuck that is, but that's probably 10 more people than will actually read it, and 4 of those five will have had one recently anyway. Stay queer!

Huitlacocha AKA Cuitlacocha AKA Smut Corn Breakfast Burrito

It's pretty amazing what humans can eat. It's even more amazing that we can take so many seemingly gross things and make them tasty. More amazing still is our ability to take a gross thing, which is objectively rotten, infected, or otherwise spoiled and sell it for an inflated price. Welcome, friends, to the world of smut corn!

Smut corn starts out its life like any other ear of corn until, one day, it's infected with a charming little fungal disease called "ustilago maydis", which enters the ovaries of the corn and replaces the kernels with big, mushroomy tumors. The name "huitlacocha" roughly translates to "sleeping shit". So, these are sleeping shit corn ovarian tumors. Nom nom nom! It's important to harvest smut corn before the fungus runs its course because, near the end of it's life cycle, the tumors are filled with spores, which hurts the texture and flavor of the tumors, and sanity of everyone within a 20 foot radius, unless they pass a DC 25 will check. Of course, as an avid consumer of hot dogs, my disgust is purely playful. There's also no way that this could be grosser than raisins. BTW, you'll have left over smut corn since this recipe is too big for one burrito so either refrigerate the excess or have some friends (or enemies) over and a make a day of it. Depending on tortilla size and how full they are, you could probably make somewhere between 4 and 8 burritos.

You need:
A can of smut corn
A small onion, 2 cloves of garlic and some serrano chilies. 
Eggs
Tortilla
Salsa
Oil

Cost: $10 - $20 because a can of smut corn cost me $7.99. This (sleeping) shit is EXPENSIVE unless you live right near where they cultivate it or you have your own little plot of diseased corn. Oh, by the way, smut corn does occur (I was gonna say "grow" but "occur" seems more appropriate) in the US but it's almost always thrown away; there have been targeted efforts here to eradicate ustilago maydis. What don't Big Pharma and the corn magnates want us to know??

Chop up your veggies and heat a few tablespoons oil in a skillet over medium heat. Sautee the onion and garlic until the onion is translucent, which should take about 3 or 4 minutes. Add the diced chilies and sautee them for another minute or two. 

Doesn't that look nice?

Now add your smut corn.

Huh, I see where the name comes from now.

Stir it constantly for about 6 minutes. If you over cook these things, they get slimy. The only thing worse than tumors in your burrito is slimy tumors in your burrito, amirite? Take that off the heat and set it aside.

Here's what an individual tumor looks like.Fans of Final Fantasy X might find this vaguely familiar.

Beer bottle is for scale.

Just for a quick break from the unrelenting horror, here is a picture of my room mate's cat, chilling in a box which we have dubbed The Dread Fort, along with his second in command, Moose Bolton:

The sign reads "No Girls Allowed". It's his man cave, you see.

Anyway, in another pan, melt some butter. In a bowl, beat two eggs and add seasoning to your taste. Transfer the eggs to the skillet, add a few large spoonfuls of the smut corn mixture, and quickly scramble the eggs.

Transfer that to a tortilla, add a nice big dollop of salsa and wrap that bitch up.

Huh, not bad by itself. Kinda like spicy, mushroomy, black beans. It's awesome as a burrito filling! The texture is very soft, the closest comparison I can give is refried beans, but it's not as thick and sticky. When you bite into a tumor, it's kind of like a sauteed onion filled with a mushroomy and almost kinda cheesey thick cream inside of it. It's better than black beans actually and it's delicious with the eggs. Wow, if you get the chance to have smut corn in a burrito or quesedilla, fucking go for it. I devoured this thing. I just wish it were cheaper here. Lesson learned I guess: maybe if someone compares someone or something to shit, they only mean aesthetically. Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 2: Oven Baked Jalapeno Sweet Heart Poppers

After yesterday's fiasco, it was suggested that I try making either a cocktail or something that benefits from added bitterness. Instead, I ignored both of these good ideas and decided to try smothering them with cheese and wrapping them in jalapenos. I'm curious to see how the baking process and exposure to mild levels of capsaicin will effect the hardness of the candies, as well as how it will taste. I chose to go with baking instead of frying because there's really no need for these to potentially be horrible AND insanely high in saturated fat.

You need:

Sweet Hearts

6 jalapenos

3 oz of softened cream cheese

3/4 of a cup of shredded which ever cheese you like best

1/2 cup of all purpose flour

1 cup of bread crumbs

2 eggs

2 tbs of milk

Spices to your taste, I'll be using Fire Eaters' Piri-Piri Style Spices. because my super cool friend Mik got me some.

Cost - $10 - $20

Preheat the over to 350 and lightly grease a baking tray. Mix the cream cheese, shredded cheese, and spices to your taste. Onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and paprika would all be good choices. Coarsely crush up Sweet Hearts (I used 10) and mix into the cheese. I'd advise covering them and using a mallet. They're surprisingly, almost worrying, resistant to blunt force.

Rinse the peppers and hull them. You can cut them lengthwise, cut them diagonally through the center to make little tubes, or (as I did) cut the top off and hull it with a knife, leaving the pepper whole. 

If you want to make the poppers spicier, add the seeds to the cheese mix. Otherwise, discard them. Put the flour in one dish, beat the eggs and milk together in another dish, and the breads crumbs in a third. Line them up in that order next to the baking tray to make it easier on yourself. If you like, add more spices to the bread crumbs and eggs. I added black pepper and garlic powder to the egg and some more Piri-Piri spices to the bread crumbs.

Spoon the cheese mix into the peppers. If you kept them whole, cut the other tip off so you can see how full they are and to reduce air pressure while you fill them. The mix is a bit thick for a pastry bag so I just used a spoon.  The skin of hot peppers is smooth and waxy, so you may have to put a bit of water on them before coating. It's a bit hard to get even coverage, so don't worry about it too much. Coat them in the flour, roll them in the egg mix, roll them in the breadcrumbs until coated, and set on the tray. 

Bake for 30 minutes.

You show me someone who says that they can make jalapeno poppers without them exploding and I'll show you a fucking liar.

I'm shocked to say this, but it's actually tasty. The tartness baked out and the candy dissolved so the cheese filling has a sweet, almost cream cheese frosting-like flavor and it complements the other flavors nicely. They're so spicy too. I can't believe it. Sweet Hearts actually improved something! Stay queer!

Terrine aux Cepes

Apologies for the lack of accent marks in this post. Feel free to draw them on your computer screen to compensate.

Despite prayer, all of the letters I sent to the French military, and no fewer than 3 separate facebook petitions, my sister (author of Jennyphoria) came back from the Paris for a brief visit. She was kind enough to bring some gifts, presumably as an apology for breaching her containment overseas, among which was a variety pack of terrine.

According to Wikipedia terrine is “a French forcemeat loaf, similar to pate.” You had me at forcemeat loaf. I’m still deciding if I want to review one or several terrines because I don’t know how similar they are. We’ll see I guess. You know, I keep looking on the back to look at the nutrition info, and ingredients despite the facts that 1) there are no nutrition facts, which I have been well aware of since the first time I checked, and 2) the writing on the box requires far more skill with French than I have, which I have also been well aware of since the first time I checked.

Ok, enough fucking about. Let’s get down to business. I’m going to try…

You know, I never thought I'd see fancy French food with a pop tab on it.

Smells a bit like cat food, looks a bit like cat food, has taken the shape of the can in a manner similar to cat food. You're supposed to eat it on crackers or toast points. At this point in my life, I know better than to turn my nose up at something simply because it reminds me a bit of cat food. I realize that that previous sentence must have raised a few eyebrows, so I’d like to clarify that if something looks and smells a bit like cat food, it probably has liver in it.

Wikipedia was accurate, the texture is similar to pate, only less smooth. It tastes moderately like liver, and its got a hint of black pepper, and cheese, even though I don’t see fromage anywhere on the ingredients list. The flavor is a bit mild, but that works just fine, as it allows the spices to shine through more. There’s something more I can’t quite place, but it’s familiar, and flavorful. There’s also a slight hint of…bacon? Let’s see. According to google translate, this is made of lean pork fat (explains the bacon), chicken liver, eggs, milk, mushrooms, salt, and pepper. Mushrooms! That’s what it was. This was tasty. French food is generally pretty awesome. Also, they make way better condom commercials there.

Stay queer!

Stir Fried Pineapple and Seafood Rice

I was in San Diego two weeks ago and all I could think about was seafood. You see, the climate reminded me of northern Florida a lot, which made me start craving Floribbean food. For those of you not familiar with that, it’s a style of cooking which is basically a fusion of Floridian and Caribbean cuisine.  It has a heavy focus on cooking poultry and/or seafood with fresh citrus fruit, and loads of spices. Luckily, my friend Emi bestowed some canned squid and octopus upon me. In the interest of trying things I haven’t before, I’ve decided to make fried rice with it.  BTW, the thing I haven’t tried before is making fried rice. I’ve had squid and octopus many times.   I don’t really have loads of spices, but I do have a fresh pineapple and several kinds of canned seafood. This should offset my cravings ever so slightly. NOTE: Floribbean cuisine relies very heavily on fresh ingredients, so this is about as close to real Floribbean as canned spaghetti is to authentic Italian. Not nearly as good, but it’ll do if you’re really jonesing and can’t do better at the moment.

You need:

Olive oil

Squid canned in its own ink

Octopus canned in hot sauce

Oysters canned in oil

A pineapple or can of pineapple chunks

Rice (I used a basmati rice medley)

Soy sauce

Any spices that you think will taste good.

Cost: $1 0- $20

Steam about 3 cups of rice and set it aside.

Hull, skin, and dice up about half of a pineapple or more depending on your taste. 

Heat about 3 tablespoons of oil in a pan over medium heat, and add the rice, stirring frequently to keep it from sticking.  After about two minutes, add the pineapple and continue to stir for about another two minutes.

Add the oysters. If you have large oysters then cut them up a bit with the spatula.

Now add the squid…

and the octopus.

Add about 2 table spoons of soy sauce and continue to stir fry it until the pineapple is hot throughout.

The rice itself is good. It’s a tad softer than I wanted it, but I like the texture. The soy sauce combined well with the squid ink. The pineapple adds a nice bit of texture to the dish and keeps the flavor dynamic. The octopus tastes good but it’s a bit chewy. That is normal for canned octopus though, so it’s not really unexpected.  The squid is tender, flavorful, and blends nicely with the other flavors, as does the oyster. Adding a little hot sauce makes it even better. That oughta hold me over for a little bit. Stay queer!

Fried Chicken Hearts

I find myself increasingly open to trying organ meats. I was hesitant about the tripe, I was slightly apprehensive about the tongue, and when I saw a package of chicken hearts I excitedly purchased it without a second thought.

Really, who could resist?

Since this is something I’ve never cooked before, I’ll go to my old standby and fry them up.

You need:

Scallions

Garlic

Chicken Hearts

Oil

Total: $1 - $10

Coarsely chop as many scallions and garlic cloves you’d like. I used three of each.

Sautee them in oil until the scallions and garlic start to brown slightly.

Add the hearts. Stir occasionally, to turn the hearts and keep the veggies from sticking to the bottom of the pan.  You want the hearts to turn dark brown.

It’s like a fatty piece of dark meat, only it’s a bit hard to bite through. Cardiovascular muscle is pretty dense and these feel almost like they have a sausage casing over them. It's not half bad, especially if you like dark meat. I even made a sandwich with it.  There is the slight disadvantage of my girlfriend refusing to kiss me, but that shouldn’t affect you because I’d punch you if you kissed her anyway. Despite devouring the hearts of an entire farm of chickens, I'm not sure if I absorbed any of their power. Hopefully I’ll gain their strength and courage in addition to what I have already, and not as a complete substitution. Stay queer!

Lengua

Lengua is a Mexican beef dish.  Wanna see what part of the cow it uses?

That pan is about 10 inches across.

You know, I had tongue once before.  I visited my best friend in Philly recently and she was kind enough to buy me a quarter pound of sliced beef tongue from a deli. It smelled like a mix of pastrami and cat food.  Tasted alright though.

Unfortunately, girlfriend is not currently available to be traumatized. Luckily, my good friend Emi, who is also a vegetarian, has opted to be present during the bulk of its preparation. Lucky thing too. Half of the fun of this blog is inflicting it on others.  Of course, this is one of MY friends we’re talking about here.  They don't horrify easily and they tend to bounce back quickly. As I began prep we bantered about how the cow probably wanted to be an actress when she grew up, and had a loving family, and was going to go to college before it was all tragically cut short. Naturally, I held it in front of my mouth while standing very close to Emi as she was looking at something else and made a loud, throaty “BLULULULUAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG” sound when she noticed me. You know, the usual stuff people do when cooking. You know, I can't help but notice that the taste buds are pretty prominent.  You could feel them through the packaging.  By the way, if you’re a tongue aficionado and the color of the tongue seems a bit off, it’s because it was pre-smoked, not raw.

You need:

Beef tongue

5 Green chilis: I used serrano peppers

2 cans of corn

4 roma tomatoes

A small white or yellow onion

4 cloves of garlic

Total cost: $20 - $30 

Before you do anything else, you have to boil the tongue for 40-50 minutes per pound.  Why?  Because you need to skin it, of course!  Who ever heard of eating the skin on a cow tongue?  That would just be gross. By the way Emi noted that it smells like hot dogs.  As it boiled the smell became more and more prominent, until it filled every inch of my tiny, studio apartment.  Infer from that what you will. When it's done, set the tongue aside to cool for a few minutes.

Now skin it.  I thought this would be difficult, but you can actually just peel it off with your fingers.  It comes off very easily.

Now thinly slice the tongue.  The meat is very tender and easy to cut, so this only takes a minute.  You can chop it more finely if your skillet isn’t big enough. 

Now get your veggies ready!  In a skillet, roast the peppers over medium heat until the sides are charred.  The more charred it is, the easier it is to skin them.  Take them off of the heat, let them cool off a bit and rub the skin off.  If you’re using very hot peppers, or doubt your manual dexterity you should wear gloves to keep oil from getting under your nails because that shit is ridiculously painful. I once got datil pepper oil under my thumb nail and I thought it was going to melt off. Now cut off the tops and coarsely chop the peppers.  If you want your lengua to be spicier, leave the seeds in.  Now thinly slice the onion, mince the garlic, and coarsely shop the tomatoes.  Get your cans of corn ready as well.

Heat oil in a skillet over medium-high heat.  Transfer the peppers, garlic, and onion into the pan. Cook until the onions are translucent.

Add the beef tongue.  Cook for an additional 10 minutes to brown the meat.

Add the tomatoes, and cook them until they’re soft.  5 minutes should do it.

Finally, add drain and add the corn.  Cook for another 5 minutes or so to heat it. My skillet was not nearly big enough for this.

It tastes a bit like bland beef, but the fat gives it a hint of sweetness that's a bit like pork.  The slight heat from the peppers is quite nice and the firm texture of the corn compliments the tenderness of the beef. All of the meat and veggies absorbed some of the oil from the hot peppers, so the heat is nice and even, without being too strong.  All of the ingredients complement each other very nicely. This is really excellent.  I’m sure your average American meat-eater would love this as long as you don’t tell them it has tongue in it. That apparently works for hot dogs.  Stay queer!

Eggplant Burger

This takes about an hour, but it’s really easy and inexpensive.  I like vegan and vegetarian food and I feel like it doesn't get enough attention in this blog.  At first I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find anything weird in that category, but then I realized that my attitude towards it isn't shared by most Americans.  I’ve seen people turn their nose up at vegan and vegetarian food without even trying it.  Some people respond to “we have regular burgers and veggie burgers” as though the person speaking had said “we have regular burgers and I farted on every single one of them.” You know what? Several kinds of Oreos are vegan.  So are Nutter Butters.  So is a wide variety of alcohol.  Keep in mind, these don’t necessarily have to be vegan.  If you really take issue with it there’s nothing stopping you from slapping some cheese on there or even just using it as a burger topping instead.  Where’s the fun in that though?

You need:

An eggplant

Burger buns

Salt

Cost: $1 - $10

Slice some eggplant into silver dollars, and skin them.  Lightly salt both sides of each slice.

Now put them between two plates.  

Let them sit like that for about an hour.  You’re basically pressing the nastiness out. If you’re wondering what I meant by that, here’s a picture.  

The eggplant will secrete a dark liquid from being pressed. I’m pretty sure I’m not winning over anyone who isn't a fan of eggplant, but oh well. Just slap it on a bun, add whatever toppings you want, and you’re done!

These are super filling and there’s barely any cleanup.  Raw eggplant is soft, with a slight crunch to it, and tastes wonderfully fresh.  It makes a really good nice snack on a hot day.  Yeah, it doesn’t taste anything like a real burger, but it’s still satisfying.  On top of being filling and tasty, it’s low in calories.  Is that lame to you?  Do you need a bad boy edge to your food?  Well, eggplant contains more nicotine than any other edible plant. According to Wikipedia, about 20 lbs of eggplant has as much nicotine as a cigarette.  Mark my words, before you know it, street toughs will be standing in corners eating raw eggplants.  Not those hoity-toity rich posers who can afford to spend mommy’s money on cigarettes.  No, these will be the hardcore hooligans who live off the streets, and need to get their nic fix from eggplants to save up money for all the switchblades and leather jackets they need.  Do you really want to get on the bad side of people like that? No?  Then stay queer, square.

Spicy Crab and Pineapple Omlette

I was going to do something Halloween-themed, since it’s my favorite holiday.  Unfortunately, my schedule has been more crazy than usual.  In fact, I actually made the dish for this post over a week ago, I just haven’t had the time to write something up. Expect something Halloween-themed (or at least filled with candy) next week.

I decided to try a little crossover of Caribbean and omelette this time. Caribbean often combines fruit and seafood to delicious effect. I see no reason why it shouldn't be a part of breakfast.

You need:

Crab (canned is fine): 3.29

Cheese: 1.79

Eggs: 1.79

Salt and pepper to your taste

Hot sauce: 1.29

Total cost:  Less than 10 bucks.

More seafood, more omlettes, as it should be.  It may seem like I’m being lazy and cheap, but that’s just because I am.  Now, this recipe is very similar to the eelmlette, but there is a fundamental difference.   Step 2 of the eelmlette is “add eel”, whereas step two of this recipe is “Add pineapple hot sauce, cheese and crab.”.  You will notice that none of those things are eel.  (We will ignore for now that the eel wasn’t actually eel either.)

Ok.  Step 1: Start making an omlette.

Step 2: Add pineapple hot sauce, cheese and crab.

Step 3: Finish making omlette.  

Those of you who live in temperate, sub-tropical or tropical areas with access to the ocean will probably be totally unsurprised to hear that hot sauce, crab, and pineapple all taste very nice together.  Those of you who do not, are allergic to shellfish or who scream like a little girl who just stepped on a worm when presented with any cuisine more exotic than a corndog, may be a bit surprised.  (Also, if you’re in the latter category then kindly fuck off back to mommy’s kitchen.  This blog is for those of us who ate sandwiches with the crust on as kids and like our orange juice with extra pulp, bitch!)  The pineapple gives you a nice little burst of juice whenever you bite into a chunk and mixes quite nicely with the hot sauce and cheese, although the pineapple juice can make it a little runny.  I like the texture of the crab meat and the flavor is pretty subtle.  I guess I just didn’t use enough crab.  Also, it made my girlfriend throw up in her mouth. It’s her own fault though, she’s a vegetarian and she watched me make it, so she should have known better.  That’ll teach her to be supportive!  So yeah, sorry for the lateness and brevity.  I just finished with my midterms and I have a proposal due tomorrow. (The cash monies!  I needs them so bad!)  Happy Halloween everyone!  Eat loads of candy, get drunk, and stay queer!