Pickled Pig's Feet

Remember those halcyon days of youth? Watching mother make pickled pig's feet for her next ladies luncheon? That anticipation you felt as she soaked them for 4 days prior to cooking? The wonderful scent of vinegar and pig's feet that overtook the entire house as she boiled them for 2 hours? The innocent pleasure of anticipating sharing your favorite snack with your beloved pet, Mr. Piggles, and wondering when he would be back from his trip to that farm upstate?

I know, I know. That was a long time ago. Now you have more important needs for them, such as taking the traditional brace of pickled pig's feet to a potential sweetheart. (Remember, this sign of affection knows no gender!) Perhaps even setting out a tray for your children and the other neighborhood kids, after they've spent a long Summer day practicing their twerking and photobombing.

I know, dear reader, you're wondering how you can find the time to make them anymore, what with all of those town hall meetings, chaperoned school trips, and long hours working at the soda fountain. Fear not! 

Modern technology has blessed us with jars of ready to eat, piggy goodness for a modest fee! Yes, grandma Kleinpfeffer would be just chagrined at the prospect of buying them instead of making your own, but that's why you put her in that home in the first place. Yes, that reason specifically. I know that you don't want to talk about it. We don't have to.

You need:

Whichever jar of pickled pig's feet seems to have the most fight in it.

Cost: $1 - $10

The scent of vinegar and pork is fucking weird. Have you ever gotten into a really old, really shitty jeep what belonged to some redneck that lived way up in the mountains? That's kind of what it smells like. I know that's a weird and specific description, but just trust me. It's extremely tender and you can easily rip it up with your hands. Still has hairs on it too. The texture is kind of similar to pork fat, only much more easy to chew through. It's extremely vinegary, so I'm having a little bit of trouble tasting the pig through it. If you like vinegar, they aren't bad, but that's really all it is. It just punches you in the face with vinegar. If vinegar-soaked fat appeals to you, I guess this might be a good thing for you. Granted, there are lots of ways to make pickled pig's feet. I'm sure this isn't the best or most nuanced one by a long shot. I give this product a solid "meh". Stay queer.

Terrine de canard a l'Armagnac

Eh, what the hell? Might as well give the others reviews. After translating the ingredients I decided that the video to go with this post should be a bit less toddler-mistaking-mom's-cries-of-ecstasy-for-permission-y and more pretty-French-music-y. 

What better way to acquaint yourself with a melange of organ and who knows what else than with the accompaniment of one of France's most beloved chanteuses? Kind of makes you want to stop listening to that dubstep shit so the rest of us don't have to listen to you blast what sounds like an early 90's dialup connection fucking a synthesizer, right? Anyway:

I know canard means duck, so a bit of the mystery is gone. Not sure what Armagnac is. I guess it's a proper noun, but that's all I got. BTW, just to prove I wasn't lying about it looking like cat food earlier:

This one smells a bit more like tuna. 

The flavor is stronger and less nuanced. It tastes more like regular liverwurst. It’s textured similarly to the last terrine, but slightly more coarse. I think this has more liver in it than the last one. I'm not sure if it has duck liver, duck meat, or both, but it does feel and taste slightly more meaty. It’s a bit more like a meat paste, or sausage filling. Something heavier is in there too, somehow it seems to have a touch more bite than the last one. This one is also quite good. I think people who prefer stronger flavors would like this better than the last terrine. Let’s see. The ingredients are:  lean pork fat, chicken liver, duck, eggs, milk, Armagnac (a type of brandy), salt, and pepper. Ok, so it was brandy. Damn, that's fancy. Stay classy, France and stay queer, readers!

Terrine aux Cepes

Apologies for the lack of accent marks in this post. Feel free to draw them on your computer screen to compensate.

Despite prayer, all of the letters I sent to the French military, and no fewer than 3 separate facebook petitions, my sister (author of Jennyphoria) came back from the Paris for a brief visit. She was kind enough to bring some gifts, presumably as an apology for breaching her containment overseas, among which was a variety pack of terrine.

According to Wikipedia terrine is “a French forcemeat loaf, similar to pate.” You had me at forcemeat loaf. I’m still deciding if I want to review one or several terrines because I don’t know how similar they are. We’ll see I guess. You know, I keep looking on the back to look at the nutrition info, and ingredients despite the facts that 1) there are no nutrition facts, which I have been well aware of since the first time I checked, and 2) the writing on the box requires far more skill with French than I have, which I have also been well aware of since the first time I checked.

Ok, enough fucking about. Let’s get down to business. I’m going to try…

You know, I never thought I'd see fancy French food with a pop tab on it.

Smells a bit like cat food, looks a bit like cat food, has taken the shape of the can in a manner similar to cat food. You're supposed to eat it on crackers or toast points. At this point in my life, I know better than to turn my nose up at something simply because it reminds me a bit of cat food. I realize that that previous sentence must have raised a few eyebrows, so I’d like to clarify that if something looks and smells a bit like cat food, it probably has liver in it.

Wikipedia was accurate, the texture is similar to pate, only less smooth. It tastes moderately like liver, and its got a hint of black pepper, and cheese, even though I don’t see fromage anywhere on the ingredients list. The flavor is a bit mild, but that works just fine, as it allows the spices to shine through more. There’s something more I can’t quite place, but it’s familiar, and flavorful. There’s also a slight hint of…bacon? Let’s see. According to google translate, this is made of lean pork fat (explains the bacon), chicken liver, eggs, milk, mushrooms, salt, and pepper. Mushrooms! That’s what it was. This was tasty. French food is generally pretty awesome. Also, they make way better condom commercials there.

Stay queer!

Junk Food Soup

Once again we’re delving into the wide world of prison cuisine.  I was watching Lockup with one of my sisters recently and, occasionally, they show an inmate cooking. I caught a short segment of a woman making this and describing the recipe. I forget what she called it. Looked easy enough though.  She seemed to be in pretty good spirits, despite living in a shack outside in the Midwestern heat, in a prison that treats homemade sex toys as contraband, surrounded by presumably sweaty, and overheated women, at least some of whom were carrying surprisingly sharp knives made out of coffee cup lids and such.  I guess that means that this is relatively tasty or she just stopped giving a fuck about anything. I have mixed feelings about trying this. It has corn nuts, which are my favorite snack food, however it also has pork rinds, which are fucking nasty. I’m giving this recipe the chance to make them palatable. Upon reflection, this means that pork rinds are marginally less disgusting to me than raisins. I fucking hate raisins.

You need:

Corn nuts. Judging by the color, she was using nacho cheese, but all I could get was ranch

Jalapeno cheese dip

Pork rinds

Price range: $1- $10

Boil some water. Add the corn nuts and water to a wide mouthed bottle or jar of some sort. I think she was holding wither a Vitamin Water or Gatorade bottle. 

Ok, I guess that's not too bad.

Shake it up well. The water was opaque red on tv so presumably the goal is to mix the seasoning well into the water, and soften up to corn nuts a bit. 

You could almost convince yourself it's chicken broth.

Add the cheese to your taste and shake it up a bit more. I think she added about two tablespoons, but you’re presumably on the outside so go nuts. 

That is just disgusting...

Pour that mixture into the bag of pork rinds. I guess you could use a pot if you feel fancy. I don’t feel fancy in the slightest, but I am acutely aware of the fact that I’m clumsy.

It...it sounds like Rice Krispies...

I hate to admit it, but this is actually not bad. There is a hint of pork rind that I don’t really care for, but it’s tolerable. The corn nuts really make it for me. They’re softer, but still a bit crunchy. The cheesy broth isn't half bad either.  The pork rinds absorb the broth pretty well too. I know that sounds nasty but it’s better than how they usually taste. I think a version of this without pork rinds would be far superior but I don't know if I hate myself enough to make it in the near future. Rejoice, trailer park residents of the world! Your alpha snack food has been discovered! Stay queer!

Twinkie Wiener Sandwich

Do you want to know something totally insane?  I’ve LOST weight since I started this blog.  Granted, it’s not like I make most of this stuff more than once, but still.  I think I may be trying to see what I can get away with at this point.  In continuing with my quest to try weird food, we return once again to the land of the conveniently inexpensive, wacky snack foods.

Where did this one come from?   A little Weird Al movie called UHF. It’s gratuitously silly, and fucking awesome, and you should watch it.  In one scene Al makes and eats the titular snack.  I remember seeing it for the first time some years back and wondering what it tasted like, so why the fuck not?  Hm, Weird Al came up with a snack that is being featured in Allison’s queer blog.  Maybe it’s fate.

You need:

Twinkies: Big thanks to my friend Emi for getting them for me!

Hot dogs

Cheese whiz

Total cost: $1 - $10

It’s probably in your best interest to cook the hot dog first, but who am I to squelch your spirit?  There’s no need for words here. Let’s just watch the master.

You know, I read somewhere that Weird Al actually does enjoy these in real life. 

IT TASTES LIKE A CORNDOG WITH CREAM! :O

Holy shit…wow.  I think I just ate the platonic ideal of America.  This is the exactly the kind of grossly overindulgent, heart-attack-and-self-loathing-inducing, trashy, sugary, low class, lazy, unhealthy, fucking MIRACLE of the human mind that deserves a place on my blog!  Make this now, and then never ever do it again unless you lead an active lifestyle and generally eat right.  Oh, and you saw how he dunked it in milk?  That made it better!  Ok, maybe next week I’ll make something a little healthier.  Stay queer!

Sausage Milkshak- I mean, sausage and ice cream dip.

I was cooking datil pepper sausage for non-blog purposes today. As I lovingly parboiled it, taking care to avoid puncturing the casing, I thought to myself “It’s too fucking hot!”  Followed shortly thereafter by “What am I going to make this week?  I still haven’t gone to *spoiler* OR *spoiler*…and I still have those bread crumbs. How the hell am I going to use them all?”  So I pondered…

and pondered…

and pondered…

for a good 20 or 25 seconds. (I ponder quickly).  An idea was hatched.  An idea that would provide me with all the wonders of sausage, a way too cool, off and an excuse to use some bread crumbs.  So come friends.  Come with me on this journey.

 

You will need:

Sausage

Cheese

Condiments you like

Relish

Vanilla ice cream

Seasoned bread crumbs:  I’ll never be free, they’ll be with me always.

Total: $10 - $20

The sausage was already cooked by the time I made up my mind.  You can make sausage in a bunch of different ways, just look it up.  The trick is to cook it evenly over a medium to low heat and avoid puncturing the casing. If you don’t have the time or patience I guess you could just buy your favorite type of brats or hotdogs.  Odds are good that you won’t be able to find datil pepper sausage or sauce easily but if you can get your hands on it then go for it.  

Rip up about 3 oz of sausage into small chunks.  Throw that, some ketchup, mustard, relish, 2 oz of cheese, a quarter cup of bread crumbs and about a cup and a half of ice cream into a blender.  Fuck around with the proportions to your taste. 

Now blend!  Blend it before God and all the bones of the saints!  Ok, now you’re done.

 

Drinking this gets real nauseating real fast.  However, if you repurpose it as a sandwich spread or dip it’s quite good. On a hunch I put some on toast and suddenly I was enjoying it.  I suppose the consistency and flavor are only good in small doses.  Makes sense sort of, I mean you wouldn’t want a tall frothy glass of mayonnaise, would you?  It’s got a sweet, spicy, tomato-y flavor to it and it’s VERY thick.  You still get the hint of sausage in their too.  I guess it’s a partial success?  Kinda?  Maybe?  Well, either way, that’ll teach me to put off buying supplies.  Stay queer!

Booze and bacon milkshake

My best friend (who also did some of the photography for this post) alerted me to the fact that a restaurant somewhere rum and bacon milkshakes on its menu.  This interested me enough to want to try to make one, but not enough to actually look for a recipe or stay true to more than 50% of the stated main ingredients.  I decided to make my own version.  I didn’t even measure 3 of the 5 ingredients because I'm a rebel like that.

You will need

Liquor: I used this cheap brand of burbon called 10 High. 

Milk

French Vanilla ice cream

Oreos

Maple Bacon

Price range: $20- $30

The burbon was free and everything else was on sale, so it was actually more like $10 in my case. You can make a LOT of shake with a small amount of ingredients. Why not have some friends over and make a day of it?

 

Anyway, fry yourself up some bacon to your desired crispiness.  I made three strips.

 

Next add milk and three oreos to a blender.  Don’t use much milk if you want a thick shake.  The bourbon thins it out considerably. Of course, you can always add more milk or ice cream later if you're not happy with the consistency. 

Now add your ice cream.  

Add a generous amount of booze.

Throw the bacon in.

Now blend it like you mean it…

… and if your feeling decadent:

I love it. The bourbon, oreo and maple all combine into a sort of amaretto-ish flavor.  The bacon is reduced to a billion tiny bits so if you want to taste it you have to chew it a little bit. The resulting texture is slightly grainy but, since the bacon is also soft, it's not gritty or gross.  The sweetness of the maple bacon and kick of the burbon compliment each other nicely.  By the way, the other ingredients do nothing to mask the taste of the liquor, which could make it or break it for some. This is a really fun recipe and it's a great comfort food. My only complaint is that it may put you into a sugar coma.  Stay queer!

Instant jellyfish with all of the trimmings!

I was in an Asian grocery store this weekend and this caught my eye.

It’s super cheap and I’ve never had jellyfish before, so why not?  The directions amount to, “Put it in a dish and stir in the seasoning”.  

For the advanced chef, the package recommends putting the jellyfish in 60-70c boiled water for 5 to 10 seconds to make it “better tasty”. 

For the super advanced chef: The bag recommends adding shredded carrot, green peppers or shredded pork to make it even more better tasty.  I appreciate that the bag doesn't want me to burn myself out but I'ma  grown woman and I know my limits. Fuck better tasty, better tasty is for quitters. I’m going for BEST tasty.  I’m gonna squeeze as much better tasty out of this stuff as possible by USING ALL THREE EXTRA INGREDIENTS.  Yeah, sorry 'bout all the computer screens that just got damaged by legions of spit takes across the world. By the way, here’s a link to the nutrition info: http://www.asiangrocerystore.com.au/feng-zheng-instant-natural-jellyfish-sesame-oil-flavour-clone.html

I can think of a ton of reasons why you might have an aversion to instant jellyfish but at least it isn’t fattening.  In the end, isn't that what really matters? 

No, no it isn't and if you think it is then you're wrong.

You need:

Feng Zheng Instant Natural Jellyfish Sesame Chilli Flavour (at time of writing it was $1.19, but it may have taken off with weeaboos and be more pricy now)

Shredded carrot to your taste
Chopped green bell pepper to your taste
 Shredded or chopped pork to your taste

Price range: $1 - $10 (unless you're completely insane and decided to buy a ham for the purpose of gussying up instant jellyfish)

This is the most enticing package of instant jellyfish I've ever seen.

After submerging the bag of jellyfish in boiling water for 8 seconds:

Ah, virgin jellyfish, unsullied and pristine... or rather it was before it was packaged but that's not the point here.

Ok, that's way better.

The jellyfish itself has pretty much no flavor, but what did I expect from something that’s mostly water?  The seasoning makes up for it though, it’s pleasantly spicy.  I assume that if you prepare it properly it absorbs flavor but I dunno. I kinda like the texture.  It’s got a nice crunch to it, a little bit like raw squid.  My friend Deidra said it reminded her a bit too much of cartilage for her taste.  I think it reminded me too little of cartilage for my taste. It goes well with the pork but spicy + pork + nothing = spicy pork so I can't give the jellyfish too much credit here.  The carrots and pepper add an extra crunch to it that I’m enjoying.  All in all I’d say this isn’t half bad, especially for the price.  


Also, I wrote this like a week ago and didn't throw up or die so there's another point in its favor. (UPDATE: I wrote this like 3 years ago and I'm still not dead.I have thrown up in that time, but I think it was mostly related to bad asparagus and copious amounts of alcohol)

Stay queer!