Kiwano AKA Horned Melon

Horned melons are native to Africa and are currently also cultivated in parts of the US, South America, and Australia. So why have you probably not heard of it?

Well, it's just not very popular, to be honest. This one was 2.99, which is a little bit pricey for its size and not so flattering reputation. The pulp is pretty much entirely edible seeds suspended in little packets of flesh, sort of like a pomegranate, which is not always what you want from your melons. It looks cool though.

It smells kind of like an under ripe banana crossed with a cucumber. It's not a very strong scent, but it's definitely distinct. It tastes like a combination thereof with a hint of citrus. It's very juicy and hydrating. Kiwano are one of very few sources of water in the Kalahari Desert during the dry season, and I can certainly see it being useful in that situation, but not so much in cooking. The texture is sort of like cucumber seeds suspended in aloe vera jelly. Overall, the effect inspires a resounding "meh". There's nothing really special about kiwano, aside from its appearance. Emi described it as the cousin Oliver to the pomegranate’s Brady Bunch. Same idea, no one really likes them. Stay queer!

Ugli Fruit

It's pronounced “ugly”. Yes, that was intentional. Ugli fruit are Jamaican and are actually trademarked. You should see these things when they're not ripe. Blugh. They're this gross, uneven shade of green. They look like something you'd find in a giant's handkerchief. Apparently, this fruit is the product of hybridizing grapefruit, oranges, and tangerines. They're pretty big too.  

For the sake of scale (and adorability), here's an ugli fruit next to my flat mate's cat, who is slightly larger than average.

One fruit cost $1.99 and I'd never seen one before this Spring. I was looking for Korean melons and I found a big pile of these eyesores. The one pictured is easily the best looking one I could find. Still, looks are no reason to assume that it isn't tasty. The rind is thick and loosely attached to the fruit. It's very easy to peel, you can do it in one big piece pretty easily.

It has a pleasant and zesty citrus scent. Kind of like a cross between an orange and a lemon. The wedges are also quite easy to pull apart. What it lacks in looks, it makes up for in ease of use. It's got a light, tangerine-like sweetness with an undertone of grapefruit, which is quite nice. The flavor starts off sweet and ends tart, which is kind of cool. I don't really like grapefruit because it's just too tart, and I think this would be a nice alternative for people who feel similarly. It's actually tastes very similar to a cocktail that I'm fond of called Pang's Punch. I realize that only like 15 people who read this will know what the fuck that is, but that's probably 10 more people than will actually read it, and 4 of those five will have had one recently anyway. Stay queer!

Pickled Pig's Feet

Remember those halcyon days of youth? Watching mother make pickled pig's feet for her next ladies luncheon? That anticipation you felt as she soaked them for 4 days prior to cooking? The wonderful scent of vinegar and pig's feet that overtook the entire house as she boiled them for 2 hours? The innocent pleasure of anticipating sharing your favorite snack with your beloved pet, Mr. Piggles, and wondering when he would be back from his trip to that farm upstate?

I know, I know. That was a long time ago. Now you have more important needs for them, such as taking the traditional brace of pickled pig's feet to a potential sweetheart. (Remember, this sign of affection knows no gender!) Perhaps even setting out a tray for your children and the other neighborhood kids, after they've spent a long Summer day practicing their twerking and photobombing.

I know, dear reader, you're wondering how you can find the time to make them anymore, what with all of those town hall meetings, chaperoned school trips, and long hours working at the soda fountain. Fear not! 

Modern technology has blessed us with jars of ready to eat, piggy goodness for a modest fee! Yes, grandma Kleinpfeffer would be just chagrined at the prospect of buying them instead of making your own, but that's why you put her in that home in the first place. Yes, that reason specifically. I know that you don't want to talk about it. We don't have to.

You need:

Whichever jar of pickled pig's feet seems to have the most fight in it.

Cost: $1 - $10

The scent of vinegar and pork is fucking weird. Have you ever gotten into a really old, really shitty jeep what belonged to some redneck that lived way up in the mountains? That's kind of what it smells like. I know that's a weird and specific description, but just trust me. It's extremely tender and you can easily rip it up with your hands. Still has hairs on it too. The texture is kind of similar to pork fat, only much more easy to chew through. It's extremely vinegary, so I'm having a little bit of trouble tasting the pig through it. If you like vinegar, they aren't bad, but that's really all it is. It just punches you in the face with vinegar. If vinegar-soaked fat appeals to you, I guess this might be a good thing for you. Granted, there are lots of ways to make pickled pig's feet. I'm sure this isn't the best or most nuanced one by a long shot. I give this product a solid "meh". Stay queer.

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 3: Sweet Heart and Anchovies Pizza

Yeah, you heard me. Time to get back to making these things edible. Why anchovies? Because so many people don't like them, maybe they'll work well together, like those two weird kids at school that no one else liked. Also, the salty and sweet might contrast nicely. In defense of the poor, maligned, anchovy, they're only gross if you don't cook them properly or if you just really don't like salt. For those of you just joining us, I've established that baking sweet hearts in cheese makes them taste much less chalky. Science! 

Just to be safe, the pizza will be half crazy bullshit and half cheese. No sense potentially wasting an entire pizza.

You need:
Anchovies
Sweet Hearts
Cheese
Sauce
Pizza crust: I'd advise using premade dough or making your own since it's cheaper and better than a premade crust.

Cost: $1 - $10

It's pretty simple, just put your toppings on and follow the directions on the crust to see how to cook it. In my case, 12-15 minutes or until crust is golden brown at 450 on a lightly oiled pan.

Huh, that came out prettier than I expected.

Good lord, I actually had it pegged right. The buttery, salty flavor of the anchovies DOES blend well with the sweetness of the candy. I mean, it's weird, but it's not bad. They're still a bit firm but not nearly as hard as they normally are. If you don't like the taste of sweet tarts or anchovies to begin with, the combination isn't going to magically make itself appealing to your pallet. This is really only for people who already like both of those things. Still, I'm 2 for 3 on these so far. My world view is collapsing. Stay queer...

Scorpion Lollipop

For Christmas, Emi got me a scorpion lollipop. 

Mixed messages there, but whatever. The "Bugs" label has been pathetically underused on this blog anyway. Best ingredients list ever by the way.

I hope they didn't bullshit on the lollipop bit and expect the scorpion to carry the whole deal. That'd be lame. That's the problem with novelty foods, they don't expect people to actually eat them so they usually blow. I do like that name though. It sounds like an insult that Yosemite Sam might aim at a no good varmint of some kind. 

I'm happy to report that it smells like cotton candy and it's actually okay. It's got that "we can't decide if it's supposed to be strawberry or watermelon" thing going on. Tastes a little like cotton candy too. It's not all that sweet but you don't want to drown out the complexities of the scorpion (of which I assume there are many), right?

They way it's positioned in there, the head sticks out a bit before the rest of it, as if to say "HEY, BUDDY! NORMALLY I'D BE KINDA MIFFED THAT YOU'RE EATING MY HOUSE, BUT YOU SEEM CHILL" (scorpions are known for their lack of an indoor voice). Scorpion has a surprisingly coarse texture, at least compared to the lollipop. The claws and legs are a bit pointy so watch yourself. It doesn't really feel edible, but yanno, exoskeleton and all.

The friendly little corpse is very crunchy, but has no distinct flavor. Maybe it's just because the sweet drowns it out, but I don't think anyone is melting the candy off to savor the sweet, sweet taste of scorpion by itself, so I guess it doesn't really matter. The organs are slightly chewer and that last big bite is kinda gross tasting, but only because the flavor is suddenly cut with a lot of crunchy nothing.

So, scorpion will not put me off food, but it also won't sell it to me. You're welcome. Stay queer!

Michelada (F'realz this time)

Ok, I said I'd try to make a proper michelada so here goes. There are a ton of recipes for it online and it seems like every single one is accompanied by some stupid argument about how authentic it is.

"Don't use tabasco sauce, use cayenne and diced jalapenos!"
"Fuck that, why didn't you add clamato juice?"
"That's not a michelada, that's a chelada. Also, you're supposed to add tequila."
"No it's not! That would make a michelada cubano and why aren't you using salsa?"
"There's too much lime, use lemon."

And ON and ON and ON. Apparently, the details of a michelada vary from region to region. It's a bit like a bloody mary, except people are really particular about how their version is THE ONE TWUE WAY of making it. I'm sorry if I seem frustrated, but I spent like a half hour trying to find a recipe that didn't seem to piss anyone off and I failed. So, here is a recipe I found somewhere (I can't find it again for some reason). It's automatically rendered inauthentic because I'm a Caucasian American in New York using ingredients I bought locally so at least that takes some pressure off.

You need:
A cervesa (I used Modelo Especial)
Coarse salt
Hot sauce
Worcestershire sauce
Soy sauce
A lime

Cost: $1 - $10

Cut a wedge of lime and slit it in the middle. Run it around the rim of the glass to coat it. Salt the rim of the glass and fill it half with ice. Squeeze the rest of the lime into the glass. Add a few dashes of all of the sauces to your taste and pour the cerveza over it. Emi was kind enough to model it.

Holy shit, this is so much better. The relatively light flavor of the cervasa is mostly covered by the sauces and they all blend together nicely. Unlike the awful lemon blitzkreig in the last post, the lime is more subtle and zesty. Of course, most beer drinkers know that lighter beers and lime are bros, so that's not too surprising. It actually tastes refreshing and I'm reminded a bit of a bloody mary. The people who made that mix need to be slapped. That said, it's not really that great. I found myself wanting a bloody mary instead of another michelada, but that might be because I'm a vodka woman. I don't generally like cerveza that much either (I prefer stouts) but I will say that it tastes better in this than it does straight. If you are a fan of cerveza then you'll probably like this. I bet it's really nice on a hot day. Stay queer!

Michelada Mix

I need a little break from Sweet Hearts, as my mind shattered a bit when I managed to make them taste good. I kind of thought it wasn't going to happen. In the meantime, Emi brought me one of these the other day.

A michelada is a beer that's been prepared with spices, lime juice, and various types of peppers and sauces. You serve it in a glass that's rimmed with hot sauce or chili pepper or whatever and it's considered a hangover cure by some. I've also been told that I would do well to make one with a Corona. Unfortunately, I knew none of that when I tried this. I though "michelada" was the brand name. My flat mate, Emi, picked it up for me because me and beer and spicy usually get along. I'd never seen anything like this before. By the way, this is one of the best packaging warnings I've seen in a while:

Why? After reading that, I had to immediately open it and see if that was legit.

And it totally, totally was.

The red stuff around the top, which I initially just thought was some color to play up the whole "spicy" thing is actually chili powder. Apparently you just dump a beer in it. It didn't offer any suggestions and, as I said earlier, I didn't know that a michelada was a thing so I didn't bother to look up a suitable type or brand. I decided to use natty light because I feel like using good beer in my posts would be kind of inappropriate in most cases. Also, it smells like raisins. I fucking hate raisins. When I added the beer it began to pop, fizz, and bubble in a way I have never seen, nor have I ever wanted to see.

It still smells like raisins too. This thing is a bit of a roller coaster. First, you taste the spices around the top and think "Oh! I love lime and chili corn nuts!". Then you're all "Chili peppers and bad beer is a little weird". That's followed by "I seem to have bitten into an under ripe lemon without noticing and now I am very sad." Then you finish with another wave of the second reaction. It's really more of a lateral shift instead of a straight decrease in quality, but it's not very good. I had to drink this much more slowly than I normally would have because I think the overpowering lemon would have made me ill.


Also, I could be wrong, but I think somehow this made it more intoxicating. At least it feels that way. Maybe it's because of the chili pepper or the fact that I've had to sip it?

So yeah, this was kind of awful, but now that I know that this is a proper beverage and not some lame novelty, it would be unfair to assume that micheladas are gross. I think I'm going to make a proper one and compare it later. Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 1: The World's Worst Coffee Sweetener

Last night, I saw that my local grocery store had started selling these chalky little bastards.

They're probably even more disliked than candy corn. I snagged a box since they were dirt cheap and I figured I might find some use for them. I've decided to try and redeem this things by finding a way to make them tasty. Emi suggested that I try putting one in my coffee. Made sense to me, they are mostly sugar.

I added one to my cup and stirred for a few minutes to make sure it was at least half dissolved. It's entreaty to "Be mine" did little to stay my hand. Instead of acting as a sweetener, it made my coffee, which was black, several degrees more bitter than it had been previously. Emi agreed. Not only was it more bitter, the flavor stuck to our tongues for a good 5 to 10 minutes. I thoroughly regret this decision. God damn it, candy hearts. You're a wad of sugar and you can't even do the one thing that sugar is supposed to do. We'll see what else I can come up with later. Stay queer.

Mondongo

Every time I bring up mondongo to someone who did not grow up in a Latin household, they ask me "Is that like mofungo?" Yes, in that they are both food. The similarities end there. Mondongo is beef tripe stew. 

Still with me? Good.

It's usually served over rice and readily available at lots of Latin restaurants. It's actually quite good, if you're not really sensitive about texture. Luckily, they have it at my local grocery store. This particular variation is Dominican, but lots of countries have their own spin on the dish. I did want to make it myself but it takes forever, requires like a billion ingredients, and (as described in my post on fried tripe) boiling tripe makes the room smell like stomach acid. My apartment mates are my friends, I can't do that to them.

You need:
A can of mondongo
(Optional) Rice

Cost: $1 - $10

Pretty simple, just pour it into a pot and heat until it's boiling. At least, it would have been pretty simple, but the pop tab broke off and I had to try to pry it open with a church key. Unfortunately, you can't just pour it through a small opening because the tripe is too big. I tried using a blunt end of a butter knife to gently push the lid into the can but I did it too hard, resulting in a geyser of mondongo splattering all over the counter and my cloths. Have you ever gotten splattered with tomato-based intestine broth? It's horrifying.

After taking 5 to change my cloths and rethink my life choices, it was pretty simple to pour it into a pot and boil.

Emi was, once again, willing to subject herself to my blog for my entertainment, even though she had no idea what the main ingredient was. She's such a trooper!

The tripe (and I know that's the only part of the soup you care about) tastes like beef fat, only with a stronger flavor. The texture is also similar to beef fat, but more tender and less chewy. Eating it with rice is preferable because the broth is a bit greasy. Many thanks to Emi for being so adventurous. Stay queer!

Canned Corned Mutton

Mutton is meat from an adult sheep. Some insist that it only counts as mutton if it's from a wether (a castrated male). Some insist that it tastes better when it's from a wether, for reasons on which it is probably best not to dwell. I really don't care either way. This is the first time I've ever come across mutton, canned or otherwise. According to the internet, most people don't like it, and it's tougher and has a stronger flavor than lamb. It is not an easy thing to find in the US.

I've been curious about mutton for most of my life, believe it or not. I always wondered why meat from such a common livestock would be so hard to find. I don't think I know anyone who'd had it either. This was extra weird to me after moving to my current apartment. My regular grocery store has, to name a very small selection, sheep testicles, veal brains, pig livers, entire guinea pigs, raw conch, and chicken feet. I've lived here for almost 2 years and I only discovered that they carried mutton 3 days ago. It was tucked away in the Mexican/Peruvian/Dominican aisle (despite the product being Australian) and there were only about 6 cans and two brands. It's surprisingly expensive too.The can I got was 7.99 for 12 oz, making it more expensive per pound than the fresh lobster they sell. The other brand was 50 cents cheaper but I decided to treat myself.

You need:

Canned mutton

Cost: $1 - $10

That's horrifying...

It's solid, soft, and chewy. The white stuff is pure fat and that makes it a bit creamy. The flavor reminds me a little bit of canned chicken, although that may be the salt, not that it's particularly salty. It does taste stronger than lamb, but it's still on the subtle side, although that may be because the fat is drowning it out.

If you microwave it a bit to melt the fat off, it tastes a bit like corned beef hash and it makes a good sandwich. I suspect that's how you're supposed to consume it but it's not bad cold. I'm still not getting why it's so hard to find. It's a little chewy but it tastes fine and it's much better than I anticipated. I'd like to get my hands on some raw mutton and cook it up myself. If I can find it, mutton might get a second appearance on this blog. I just hope it's less expensive per pound next time. Stay queer!

Korean Red Ginseng Candy

I hate ginseng. A lot. I hate it almost as much as I hate echinacea, although both herbs taste like dirt about equally. How much do I hate echinacea? It's part of why I hate hippies, because hippies love echinacea. 

I've never had red ginseng before. It'd never occurred to me that someone might take this hateful little root and try to make it into candy.

Unlike a lot of hard candies, this one actually has a noticeable scent. You can smell them as soon as you open the container, you don't even have to unwrap them. I think it smells like top soil. My room mate think it smells like her mom's bedroom...

But how does it taste?

Like a fusion of mint, honey, and dirt. No, seriously. It's like a cough drop that was made with dirt and they tried to hide it by making it too sweet. God, it's just as awful as I remember. Marketing this as candy is criminal. This is medicine. That's fine, just CALL IT THAT. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go cleanse my palate. Stay queer!

Mayonnaise Biscuits

These are two things that I'd never thought to combine. You just don't DO that. I only found out today that this is a thing and I'm a having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around it. My room mate, Emi, said that she was both intrigued and frightened by the concept. Naturally, I started making them within the hour. I think these are Southern. They certainly seem like it. I'll have to ask my roomie from Georgia the next time I get the chance.

You need:

Either self-rising flour or all-purpose flour, salt, and baking soda.
Mayonnaise
Milk
Price: $1 - $10

Preheat your oven to 400. If you're using all-purpose flour, combine 2 cups it with 1 tsp of salt and 3 tsp of baking powder. If you have self-rising, just use 2 cups of that. Combine that with a cup of milk and 6 tbs of mayonnaise. Stir until combined.

Lightly grease a baking sheet and drop spoonfuls of the batter onto it. These were made with absolutely no love and I'm not even slightly ashamed of how sloppy they look.

Bake on the center rack until golden brown.

They're actually not bad at all!

Perhaps a brave new world of unlikely biscuits awaits? Stay queer!

Wasabi Kit Kat

One of my apt mates was kind enough to get me one of those wasabi flavored Japanese Kit Kat bars for Christmas. Apparently the Japanese took Kit Kat bars and just ran with the concept. Just ran with it with more balls than anyone in the States ever will.

 "Oh snap, now we have super big Kit Kats AND Kit Kats with peanut butter! Hope your brains don't blow up from that reality bomb I just set off in your skull!", cried Nestle's US marketing department.

Across the pond, Nestle's Japanese marketing department looked up from the sales figures for blueberry cheesecake, strawberry, green tea, watermelon, purple sweet potato, and soy sauce Kit Kats and said "That's cute, bro" while trembling with barely concealed laughter.

I didn't make those flavors up and there's like 200 more. Kit Kat similar to the Japanese phrase "Kitto Katsu" which, according to wikipedia, roughly means "surely win". Apparently it's like a little good luck treat. Apparently, they take their good luck treats seriously over there. Really, this just shows how fucking lazy and timid food companies are over here.

US Kit Kats are Simple Plan, Japanese Kit Kats are Gang Green.

US Kit Kats are System of A Down, Japanese Kit Kats are Celtic Frost.

US Kit Kats are Hawthorn Heights, Japanese Kit Kats are Fugazi.

US Kit Kats are Brokencyde, Japanese Kit Kats are Good Clean Fun.

US Kit Kats are Lady Gaga, Japanese Kit Kats are Emily Autumn.

Awwwww, that's cute! It's really good too! It's coated in white chocolate and you really can taste wasabi. The thing is, and this is probably for the better, it has the flavor of wasabi but not the heat. That's really cool. Your move, US Kit Kats. Maybe you could just make them bigger again and bundle them with a 24 of Miller Light.

Stay Queer!

Goat Cheese and Black Raspberry Popsicle

God...damn. It has been a while. Sorry 'bout that. These last few months have been a blur of (in no particular order) beautiful German women, kittens, alcohol, travel, drama, action, terrorist plots, heat exhaustion, Bruce Campbell movies, facebook, homelessness, spiders, subways, procrastination, cheese steaks and a rather nice store that sells artisan popsicles. For a time I was staying in a charming part of Philadelphia not too far from University City. It was charming in the sense that the houses were cute, a good portion of the people looked like they would jump right in if I started a Defiance, Ohio singalong on a street corner, and it had loads of interesting and fun places to eat, but also contained several frat houses and sometimes people would wander in from the shadier parts of Market Street to break into cars. It was a bit like sharing a nice, big house with 4 really fun, interesting people and one business major who likes to mention his dad's occupation in pickup lines. I'd also like to add that all of the hipsters I've encountered there were not annoying little shits in the least. Most of them were actually kind of adorable and friendly.

Anyway, there's a rather cool store there called Lil' Pop Shop at 265 South 44th street. I wish I had pictures. It's really tiny inside. Basically there's a cooler/counter full of popsicles and behind it there's a big blackboard with all of the flavors they have that day. There's free water too. All they sell is popsicles for 3 bucks each. I'm a cheap motherfucker so believe me when I say that it's totally worth it because every popsicle I've gotten there has been fucking delicious. The last time I went I had the pleasure of trying the goat cheese and black raspberry popsicle.

Yes, I had this blog in mind when I ordered it. It's the consistency of frozen greek yogurt and tastes like a raspberry... goat cheesecake. There's real bits of raspberry in it too. Pardon me for sounding like a Pabst-swilling hipster but it tastes very authentic and I can safely say that I have never, ever said that about a popsicle before. Honestly, even if you don't like goat cheese I think you might still like this. Just think of it as a cheesecake popsicle, it pretty much is. You should stop by if you're in West Philly. Hit up Honest Tom's Taco Shack while you're at it. It's right next door and they make amazing burritos. Stay queer!

Kachori

I was in a Pakistani/Indian grocery store at one point during my jaunt to Philly. Besty and I stopped in so she could get some stuff to make kombucha, which may get its own post in the future. I noticed that the majority of the products were vegetarian and flour-based. I hadn’t really expected that but I don’t know much about Indian food and almost nothing about Pakistani food. Naturally, I had to try at least one thing there. I had a hard time picking a snack food because it seemed like all of them were essentially flour in a variety of different shapes. Flour twists, flour wheels, flour wads, etc. They were actually kind of cool looking but they didn't seem very distinct from one another. It wasn’t like there were barbecue flour wads and sour cream and onion flour wads and buffalo flour wads.  When I found one that advertised itself as made of flour and spicy I went for it. The real clincher is that the packaging reads “Nutritious & Hygienic!!!” on the top, with “SPICY STUFFED BALLS” across the front, which made me think fondly on my first post.

Cost: $1 - $10

I was kind of expecting it to be crunchy but it’s actually soft. The outside is flakey layer of pastry. It’s spicy in that it tastes like someone mixed together the contents of an entire spice rack with some water and molded it into a wad. The most prominent flavor is fennel, which is generally not a flavor I like to be prominent. Not that it’s bad, it’s just kind of bland and disappointingly fattening. The bag is about the size of a small bag of chips, the bag has 10 servings, and each serving is 110 calories. Damn. If you though I was exaggerating the “wad o’ spices” aspect, the ingredients are: refined wheat flour, gram pulse flour, vegetable oil, sugar, salt, tamarind, red chili powder, fennel, coriander, sesame seeds, cumin, ginger, nutmeg, mace, cinnamon, cardamom, and asafetida. Eating it reminds me of potpourri or a shop in one of those stupid colonial recreation towns where every place that sells anything has a bunch of dried herbs on the walls. I guess the take away message is that hippies, hipsters, and sad bastards who pretend to be worldly to get tail should take note. Stay queer!

Tyson Bees Food Truck - Kimchi Dog

Last week I took a much needed trip to Philadelphia to visit my best friend. Ample opportunities for queerness awaited me there. The day after I arrived, my friend introduced me to the glory that is Tyson Bees Food Truck. It’s nestled lovingly between several of U Penn’s buildings in University City. According the internet, the official address is 33^rd and Spruce Street. It’s a popular Korean food truck and there's usually a small crowd of students around it. To keep track of orders, they hand you a playing card after you order your food and call out the card when it’s done. I thought that was charming. I was 9 of clubs. I ordered a kimchi dog on the suggestion of my friend, who has rarely steered me wrong when it comes to books, food, and internet silliness. I expected a regular hot dog with kimchi on it. What I got was this:

This was 3 dollars. Yes, that’s red cabbage, and what I think is spicy mayonnaise. The hot dog is cut in half lengthwise, which seemed odd at first, but I soon realized that this just meant there was more surface area exposed to the wonderful, wonderful toppings. I was afraid that the kimchi would be overpowering, (for those of you who are unfamiliar, kimchi is really spicy pickled cabbage) but Tyson Bees hit some marvelous sweet spot! The red cabbage may seem like a weird choice but the texture and color are a really nice touch. The bun is gigantic and soft, and not a millimeter is wasted because they really cram those toppings on there. It’s filling, spicy, reasonably priced and delicious. I wholly recommend it to anyone who’s going to be in University City for any length of time. The only downside is that this food truck is only open on weekdays. Hopefully I’ll get to review more of their food in the future. Stay queer!  

Junk Food Soup

Once again we’re delving into the wide world of prison cuisine.  I was watching Lockup with one of my sisters recently and, occasionally, they show an inmate cooking. I caught a short segment of a woman making this and describing the recipe. I forget what she called it. Looked easy enough though.  She seemed to be in pretty good spirits, despite living in a shack outside in the Midwestern heat, in a prison that treats homemade sex toys as contraband, surrounded by presumably sweaty, and overheated women, at least some of whom were carrying surprisingly sharp knives made out of coffee cup lids and such.  I guess that means that this is relatively tasty or she just stopped giving a fuck about anything. I have mixed feelings about trying this. It has corn nuts, which are my favorite snack food, however it also has pork rinds, which are fucking nasty. I’m giving this recipe the chance to make them palatable. Upon reflection, this means that pork rinds are marginally less disgusting to me than raisins. I fucking hate raisins.

You need:

Corn nuts. Judging by the color, she was using nacho cheese, but all I could get was ranch

Jalapeno cheese dip

Pork rinds

Price range: $1- $10

Boil some water. Add the corn nuts and water to a wide mouthed bottle or jar of some sort. I think she was holding wither a Vitamin Water or Gatorade bottle. 

Ok, I guess that's not too bad.

Shake it up well. The water was opaque red on tv so presumably the goal is to mix the seasoning well into the water, and soften up to corn nuts a bit. 

You could almost convince yourself it's chicken broth.

Add the cheese to your taste and shake it up a bit more. I think she added about two tablespoons, but you’re presumably on the outside so go nuts. 

That is just disgusting...

Pour that mixture into the bag of pork rinds. I guess you could use a pot if you feel fancy. I don’t feel fancy in the slightest, but I am acutely aware of the fact that I’m clumsy.

It...it sounds like Rice Krispies...

I hate to admit it, but this is actually not bad. There is a hint of pork rind that I don’t really care for, but it’s tolerable. The corn nuts really make it for me. They’re softer, but still a bit crunchy. The cheesy broth isn't half bad either.  The pork rinds absorb the broth pretty well too. I know that sounds nasty but it’s better than how they usually taste. I think a version of this without pork rinds would be far superior but I don't know if I hate myself enough to make it in the near future. Rejoice, trailer park residents of the world! Your alpha snack food has been discovered! Stay queer!

Chocolate Covered Cherrystone Clams

Allerfic to shellfish? Not in the mood to prank someone? Well, you're just not any fun at all, are you? You will, however, be gratified to know that this is a very simple recipe for chocolate dipped whatevers and you can simply replace the clams with fruit or pretzels. Chocolate dipped fruit is a big seller on Hallmark Day and stores will gouge the shit out of you for it. It might look less fancy if you do it yourself but you get more for what you pay, you can put on as much chocolate as you want, and unless the person you give it to is a materialistic brat, a homemade token of affection is much nicer than a store bought one. You know, I made chocolate dipped fruit once a few years ago with my best friend. It turned out great. I distinctly remember raising a piece of banana to my mouth and she said, “You know, you could make so much money on the internet with this.” She responded to my look of utter confusion with a knowing, “College lesbian sucks chocolate banana.” She’s earning a PhD right now.

Anyway, I really must reiterate that intentionally feeding someone something they’re allergic to without their knowledge is extremely dangerous and VERY illegal, even if the allergy is relatively minor. You can be hit with a number of life-ruining charges, up to and including murder and attempted murder. Gross someone out, don’t hurt them.

You need

Canned cherrystone clams (If you can afford fresh clams then go for it)

Toothpicks

Semi-sweet chocolate morsels

Wax paper

Butter

Total cost: $1 - $10, assuming you used canned clams

Drain the clams and dry them with a paper towel. Melt a half cup of chips and 2 table spoons of butter, margarine, or shortening in a double boiler. If you don't have one, fill a pot with a few inches of water, put another pot or ceramic bowl in the water, and bring to a boil to make a jury rigged double boiler. Take care to keep water from getting in the chocolate. Stir until smooth. If the chocolate is too thick, add more butter.

Line a baking sheet with wax paper or baking parchment and arrange the clams on it. Stick a toothpick in each one. Dip each clam in the chocolate, slowly turning it over the bowl after each dip to drip off the excess and spread the chocolate evenly, and place them back on the wax paper.

Put them in the fridge for about 30 minutes.

The buttery, chocolately goodness is shockingly tasty with clam. The soft texture of the chocolate and the clam also work well together. It pretty damn good I’d say. If you gave this to someone wearing a blindfold, you’d probably be much more likely to get a worried “Dude…what is this?” than a panicked “AAAHHHHHHHHH! *spits*” Either way, I’m sure the look on their face would be fucking priceless.

I think a token of affection is appropriate any day of the year. Don’t feel limited to giving the gift of chocolate-covered clams during the holidays or only using clams. There’s a whole world of mollusks (and gastropods, for the particularly adventurous) out there just waiting to be dipped in a concealing layer of chocolate. What better way to let people know exactly how you feel about them? Stay Queer!

Fried Chicken Hearts

I find myself increasingly open to trying organ meats. I was hesitant about the tripe, I was slightly apprehensive about the tongue, and when I saw a package of chicken hearts I excitedly purchased it without a second thought.

Really, who could resist?

Since this is something I’ve never cooked before, I’ll go to my old standby and fry them up.

You need:

Scallions

Garlic

Chicken Hearts

Oil

Total: $1 - $10

Coarsely chop as many scallions and garlic cloves you’d like. I used three of each.

Sautee them in oil until the scallions and garlic start to brown slightly.

Add the hearts. Stir occasionally, to turn the hearts and keep the veggies from sticking to the bottom of the pan.  You want the hearts to turn dark brown.

It’s like a fatty piece of dark meat, only it’s a bit hard to bite through. Cardiovascular muscle is pretty dense and these feel almost like they have a sausage casing over them. It's not half bad, especially if you like dark meat. I even made a sandwich with it.  There is the slight disadvantage of my girlfriend refusing to kiss me, but that shouldn’t affect you because I’d punch you if you kissed her anyway. Despite devouring the hearts of an entire farm of chickens, I'm not sure if I absorbed any of their power. Hopefully I’ll gain their strength and courage in addition to what I have already, and not as a complete substitution. Stay queer!

Turkish Halva

While in a Polish grocery store in Queens, I happened upon this.

I’ve never heard of Halva. The first ingredient is tahiri, which I later discovered is ground sesame seed paste. My girlfriend asked the cashiers if they knew what it was. Apparently it’s some kind of dessert thing but neither of them could really describe it.  How intriguing.  Apparently halva is made in several countries, comes in several varieties, and originated in Iran.

For some reason, the marbled appearance gave me the impression that it'd be soft, like a spread. It’s actually very firm and crumbly and you have to break it apart. The texture is kind of odd.  The best comparison I can think of is ultra-densely packed fine ground peanuts. It starts off really easy to chew but, as you continue, it gets this kind of toffee-ish consistency. It’s sweet, kind of peanutty-tasting, and there’s a hint of coco.  It’s pretty good, if insanely rich.  A friend of mine tried it and seconded my assessments. Watch yourself if you have fillings, dentures, or just bad teeth in general because I could see this pulling something out if you're not careful. It’s enjoyable while you eat it, but it’s very easy to have too much and end up sprawled across the couch, feeling like there’s a billiard ball-sized wad of honey in your gut, and making noises like a walrus with gas pain.  Stay queer!