Pickled Pig's Feet

Remember those halcyon days of youth? Watching mother make pickled pig's feet for her next ladies luncheon? That anticipation you felt as she soaked them for 4 days prior to cooking? The wonderful scent of vinegar and pig's feet that overtook the entire house as she boiled them for 2 hours? The innocent pleasure of anticipating sharing your favorite snack with your beloved pet, Mr. Piggles, and wondering when he would be back from his trip to that farm upstate?

I know, I know. That was a long time ago. Now you have more important needs for them, such as taking the traditional brace of pickled pig's feet to a potential sweetheart. (Remember, this sign of affection knows no gender!) Perhaps even setting out a tray for your children and the other neighborhood kids, after they've spent a long Summer day practicing their twerking and photobombing.

I know, dear reader, you're wondering how you can find the time to make them anymore, what with all of those town hall meetings, chaperoned school trips, and long hours working at the soda fountain. Fear not! 

Modern technology has blessed us with jars of ready to eat, piggy goodness for a modest fee! Yes, grandma Kleinpfeffer would be just chagrined at the prospect of buying them instead of making your own, but that's why you put her in that home in the first place. Yes, that reason specifically. I know that you don't want to talk about it. We don't have to.

You need:

Whichever jar of pickled pig's feet seems to have the most fight in it.

Cost: $1 - $10

The scent of vinegar and pork is fucking weird. Have you ever gotten into a really old, really shitty jeep what belonged to some redneck that lived way up in the mountains? That's kind of what it smells like. I know that's a weird and specific description, but just trust me. It's extremely tender and you can easily rip it up with your hands. Still has hairs on it too. The texture is kind of similar to pork fat, only much more easy to chew through. It's extremely vinegary, so I'm having a little bit of trouble tasting the pig through it. If you like vinegar, they aren't bad, but that's really all it is. It just punches you in the face with vinegar. If vinegar-soaked fat appeals to you, I guess this might be a good thing for you. Granted, there are lots of ways to make pickled pig's feet. I'm sure this isn't the best or most nuanced one by a long shot. I give this product a solid "meh". Stay queer.

Scorpion Lollipop

For Christmas, Emi got me a scorpion lollipop. 

Mixed messages there, but whatever. The "Bugs" label has been pathetically underused on this blog anyway. Best ingredients list ever by the way.

I hope they didn't bullshit on the lollipop bit and expect the scorpion to carry the whole deal. That'd be lame. That's the problem with novelty foods, they don't expect people to actually eat them so they usually blow. I do like that name though. It sounds like an insult that Yosemite Sam might aim at a no good varmint of some kind. 

I'm happy to report that it smells like cotton candy and it's actually okay. It's got that "we can't decide if it's supposed to be strawberry or watermelon" thing going on. Tastes a little like cotton candy too. It's not all that sweet but you don't want to drown out the complexities of the scorpion (of which I assume there are many), right?

They way it's positioned in there, the head sticks out a bit before the rest of it, as if to say "HEY, BUDDY! NORMALLY I'D BE KINDA MIFFED THAT YOU'RE EATING MY HOUSE, BUT YOU SEEM CHILL" (scorpions are known for their lack of an indoor voice). Scorpion has a surprisingly coarse texture, at least compared to the lollipop. The claws and legs are a bit pointy so watch yourself. It doesn't really feel edible, but yanno, exoskeleton and all.

The friendly little corpse is very crunchy, but has no distinct flavor. Maybe it's just because the sweet drowns it out, but I don't think anyone is melting the candy off to savor the sweet, sweet taste of scorpion by itself, so I guess it doesn't really matter. The organs are slightly chewer and that last big bite is kinda gross tasting, but only because the flavor is suddenly cut with a lot of crunchy nothing.

So, scorpion will not put me off food, but it also won't sell it to me. You're welcome. Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 2: Oven Baked Jalapeno Sweet Heart Poppers

After yesterday's fiasco, it was suggested that I try making either a cocktail or something that benefits from added bitterness. Instead, I ignored both of these good ideas and decided to try smothering them with cheese and wrapping them in jalapenos. I'm curious to see how the baking process and exposure to mild levels of capsaicin will effect the hardness of the candies, as well as how it will taste. I chose to go with baking instead of frying because there's really no need for these to potentially be horrible AND insanely high in saturated fat.

You need:

Sweet Hearts

6 jalapenos

3 oz of softened cream cheese

3/4 of a cup of shredded which ever cheese you like best

1/2 cup of all purpose flour

1 cup of bread crumbs

2 eggs

2 tbs of milk

Spices to your taste, I'll be using Fire Eaters' Piri-Piri Style Spices. because my super cool friend Mik got me some.

Cost - $10 - $20

Preheat the over to 350 and lightly grease a baking tray. Mix the cream cheese, shredded cheese, and spices to your taste. Onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and paprika would all be good choices. Coarsely crush up Sweet Hearts (I used 10) and mix into the cheese. I'd advise covering them and using a mallet. They're surprisingly, almost worrying, resistant to blunt force.

Rinse the peppers and hull them. You can cut them lengthwise, cut them diagonally through the center to make little tubes, or (as I did) cut the top off and hull it with a knife, leaving the pepper whole. 

If you want to make the poppers spicier, add the seeds to the cheese mix. Otherwise, discard them. Put the flour in one dish, beat the eggs and milk together in another dish, and the breads crumbs in a third. Line them up in that order next to the baking tray to make it easier on yourself. If you like, add more spices to the bread crumbs and eggs. I added black pepper and garlic powder to the egg and some more Piri-Piri spices to the bread crumbs.

Spoon the cheese mix into the peppers. If you kept them whole, cut the other tip off so you can see how full they are and to reduce air pressure while you fill them. The mix is a bit thick for a pastry bag so I just used a spoon.  The skin of hot peppers is smooth and waxy, so you may have to put a bit of water on them before coating. It's a bit hard to get even coverage, so don't worry about it too much. Coat them in the flour, roll them in the egg mix, roll them in the breadcrumbs until coated, and set on the tray. 

Bake for 30 minutes.

You show me someone who says that they can make jalapeno poppers without them exploding and I'll show you a fucking liar.

I'm shocked to say this, but it's actually tasty. The tartness baked out and the candy dissolved so the cheese filling has a sweet, almost cream cheese frosting-like flavor and it complements the other flavors nicely. They're so spicy too. I can't believe it. Sweet Hearts actually improved something! Stay queer!

Finding Uses For Everyone's Least Favorite Candy, Round 1: The World's Worst Coffee Sweetener

Last night, I saw that my local grocery store had started selling these chalky little bastards.

They're probably even more disliked than candy corn. I snagged a box since they were dirt cheap and I figured I might find some use for them. I've decided to try and redeem this things by finding a way to make them tasty. Emi suggested that I try putting one in my coffee. Made sense to me, they are mostly sugar.

I added one to my cup and stirred for a few minutes to make sure it was at least half dissolved. It's entreaty to "Be mine" did little to stay my hand. Instead of acting as a sweetener, it made my coffee, which was black, several degrees more bitter than it had been previously. Emi agreed. Not only was it more bitter, the flavor stuck to our tongues for a good 5 to 10 minutes. I thoroughly regret this decision. God damn it, candy hearts. You're a wad of sugar and you can't even do the one thing that sugar is supposed to do. We'll see what else I can come up with later. Stay queer.

Mayonnaise Biscuits

These are two things that I'd never thought to combine. You just don't DO that. I only found out today that this is a thing and I'm a having a bit of trouble wrapping my head around it. My room mate, Emi, said that she was both intrigued and frightened by the concept. Naturally, I started making them within the hour. I think these are Southern. They certainly seem like it. I'll have to ask my roomie from Georgia the next time I get the chance.

You need:

Either self-rising flour or all-purpose flour, salt, and baking soda.
Mayonnaise
Milk
Price: $1 - $10

Preheat your oven to 400. If you're using all-purpose flour, combine 2 cups it with 1 tsp of salt and 3 tsp of baking powder. If you have self-rising, just use 2 cups of that. Combine that with a cup of milk and 6 tbs of mayonnaise. Stir until combined.

Lightly grease a baking sheet and drop spoonfuls of the batter onto it. These were made with absolutely no love and I'm not even slightly ashamed of how sloppy they look.

Bake on the center rack until golden brown.

They're actually not bad at all!

Perhaps a brave new world of unlikely biscuits awaits? Stay queer!

Goat Cheese and Black Raspberry Popsicle

God...damn. It has been a while. Sorry 'bout that. These last few months have been a blur of (in no particular order) beautiful German women, kittens, alcohol, travel, drama, action, terrorist plots, heat exhaustion, Bruce Campbell movies, facebook, homelessness, spiders, subways, procrastination, cheese steaks and a rather nice store that sells artisan popsicles. For a time I was staying in a charming part of Philadelphia not too far from University City. It was charming in the sense that the houses were cute, a good portion of the people looked like they would jump right in if I started a Defiance, Ohio singalong on a street corner, and it had loads of interesting and fun places to eat, but also contained several frat houses and sometimes people would wander in from the shadier parts of Market Street to break into cars. It was a bit like sharing a nice, big house with 4 really fun, interesting people and one business major who likes to mention his dad's occupation in pickup lines. I'd also like to add that all of the hipsters I've encountered there were not annoying little shits in the least. Most of them were actually kind of adorable and friendly.

Anyway, there's a rather cool store there called Lil' Pop Shop at 265 South 44th street. I wish I had pictures. It's really tiny inside. Basically there's a cooler/counter full of popsicles and behind it there's a big blackboard with all of the flavors they have that day. There's free water too. All they sell is popsicles for 3 bucks each. I'm a cheap motherfucker so believe me when I say that it's totally worth it because every popsicle I've gotten there has been fucking delicious. The last time I went I had the pleasure of trying the goat cheese and black raspberry popsicle.

Yes, I had this blog in mind when I ordered it. It's the consistency of frozen greek yogurt and tastes like a raspberry... goat cheesecake. There's real bits of raspberry in it too. Pardon me for sounding like a Pabst-swilling hipster but it tastes very authentic and I can safely say that I have never, ever said that about a popsicle before. Honestly, even if you don't like goat cheese I think you might still like this. Just think of it as a cheesecake popsicle, it pretty much is. You should stop by if you're in West Philly. Hit up Honest Tom's Taco Shack while you're at it. It's right next door and they make amazing burritos. Stay queer!

Tyson Bees Food Truck - Kimchi Dog

Last week I took a much needed trip to Philadelphia to visit my best friend. Ample opportunities for queerness awaited me there. The day after I arrived, my friend introduced me to the glory that is Tyson Bees Food Truck. It’s nestled lovingly between several of U Penn’s buildings in University City. According the internet, the official address is 33^rd and Spruce Street. It’s a popular Korean food truck and there's usually a small crowd of students around it. To keep track of orders, they hand you a playing card after you order your food and call out the card when it’s done. I thought that was charming. I was 9 of clubs. I ordered a kimchi dog on the suggestion of my friend, who has rarely steered me wrong when it comes to books, food, and internet silliness. I expected a regular hot dog with kimchi on it. What I got was this:

This was 3 dollars. Yes, that’s red cabbage, and what I think is spicy mayonnaise. The hot dog is cut in half lengthwise, which seemed odd at first, but I soon realized that this just meant there was more surface area exposed to the wonderful, wonderful toppings. I was afraid that the kimchi would be overpowering, (for those of you who are unfamiliar, kimchi is really spicy pickled cabbage) but Tyson Bees hit some marvelous sweet spot! The red cabbage may seem like a weird choice but the texture and color are a really nice touch. The bun is gigantic and soft, and not a millimeter is wasted because they really cram those toppings on there. It’s filling, spicy, reasonably priced and delicious. I wholly recommend it to anyone who’s going to be in University City for any length of time. The only downside is that this food truck is only open on weekdays. Hopefully I’ll get to review more of their food in the future. Stay queer!  

Spicy Cornbread and Stuffing

Thanks to the kindness of one of my close friends (thanks, Mik!) we venture once more to Ass Kickin’ territory. I love stuffing, and what better way to ring in the new year than with some fire hole! (Ask a friend who eats a lot of spicy food.  They’ll explain that one to you) 

Fire hole: everyone's problem

You need:

Cornbread mix 

2 eggs

2 cups of milk

A third of a cup of butter or margarine

¾ of a cup of cheddar cheese

Total cost: $10 - $20

Melt the butter and mix it ina  bowl with the cornbread mix, eggs, milk, and cheese.  Like last time, I added the entire packet of ground habanero, much to the dismay of my girlfriend.  At least we both agreed that the batter smells wonderful.

Put it in the fridge for 15 minutes.  Stir and transfer to a baking pan.

Cook it at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes.  It’s done when a toothpick or knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

Eating two pieces of this was a struggle.  At time of writing, it's one of the hottest things I’ve ever tasted, and I LOVE IT.  Girlfriend can’t handle it and is a bit pissed at me for adding all of the pepper.  It was totally worth it, more for me!  It’s not a flavorful as the beer bread because the heat comes really fast and strong, so it kind of drowns out the taste of the bread itself.  If you’re lucky, you’ll get a hint of cheese. It tastes very good with butter, which also dulls the heat somewhat.  From what I can tell so far, the cornbread itself is tasty.  I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but it ain’t sweet.  Now to make the stuffing!

You need:

A pan of the bread

Water or chicken broth (unless you’re dating a vegetarian, in which case you will be forced to use vegetable broth L )

½ cup of butter

Celery

A small onion

Total cost: roughly an additional 5 bucks.

Break the bread up into little pieces and finely chop a cup of celery and 4 tablespoons of onion.

Melt the butter in a pan and saute the veggies in it until they’re tender.

Take it off the heat and mix in the water or broth.  The recipe called for a ¼ cup, but I like my stuffing to be moist so I added a full cup.

Now mix the contents of the pan with the bread and toss it lightly.

It’s still very hot, but a bit less so and it takes a second to hit you.  You can taste the bread more now and it’s pretty damn good.  Girlfriend enjoys it too!  I’d love to try it with some chicken, or turkey.  I feel like this would be a hit at a barbecue. Stay queer!

Spicy Beer Bread!

This week was pretty busy, so I didn’t have much time to scout for new recipes.  Luckily, one of my sisters gave me a late birthday gift: beer and habanero bread mix!  

My culinary equivalent of two abusive lovers unified by way of bread; what could go wrong?  As you probably noticed, it advertises that it will “Kick yo’ ass!”, and I will be very disappointed if it doesn’t deliver.  Many a beverage, sauce, or dish has promised me a mouthful of hot, fiery capsaicin, only to deliver the tiniest whimper of heat, leaving me feeling unsatisfied and ashamed.  As a nod to the time honored tradition that is drinking in the morning, the bag also has instructions for French toast too.  

You will need:

A package of Ass Kickin' Beer Bread mix

A beer. I went with Yuengling Black and Tan (Big thanks to my friend Mik for buying me a 6 pack of it earlier this week!)

A dash of cinnamon 

Butter for greasing a pan 

A tablespoon of milk(soy milk works too)

1/4 tablespoon of vanilla extract
Price Range: $10 - $20

Lightly grease the bottom of a 13 x 9 pan and preheat the oven to 350.

The bag itself contains a package of bread mix and a small packet of ground habanero. The mix itself smells like it has some kind of hot pepper in it as well.  The bag recommends putting in different amounts of the ground pepper based on how spicy you want it and there's more than enough to induce heartburn and firehole.  Naturally, I put the whole thing in.  Just add the beer and stir it all together.  The dough is really thick and gooey, like biscuit batter.  Pour it into the pan and spread it as evenly as you can.

Bake it for 50-60 minutes.  It’s done when the top is brown and crunchy.

It tastes awesome!  It has a texture like cornbread and it's really, wonderfully spicy.  The heat takes a second to hit you and builds up gradually so be careful about eating it too quickly.  It tastes great with butter and honey.  I'd also recommend having some milk on hand.  Now for the French toast.  Melt some butter in a frying pan.  Mix together one egg, a table spoon of milk, a quarter tablespoon of vanilla extract, and a dash of cinnamon.   

That’s enough to coat one slice.  Coat a slice with as much of the mixture as possible and start frying it.  Pour any excess mixture on top of it.   

Fry each side until the egg is cooked, about 2 minutes per side on medium heat did it for me.

The French toast is quite good!  It’s softer and easier to cut than normal French toast too.  The addition of the egg coating delay the heat a bit and let's you taste the toast itself. I’m really enjoying the contrast between the sweet and spicy and it's quite good with maple syrup. 

Stay queer!

Spiced Prune and Cheese Pudding

Wartime, prison time, and college are all similar, in that they will lead you to try some very odd food combinations in a desperate effort to add enough variety to your meals to ward off those cannibalistic urges  which are always, always hiding just below the surface, barely restrained by the trappings of social niceties, and which tend to become stronger when coupled with a monotonous diet.

Rationing can lead to some pretty weird recipes, some of which stick around long after better things become available.  Don’t believe me?  Look through a cookbook from the 40’s or 50’s and see how long it takes for you to find something that sounds bat shit crazy.  In a gesture indicating that she wishes I had moved out sooner, my mom sent me a recipe for spiced prune and cheese pudding, which came from some cookbook that was published in 1956. 

No, this is not like a Yorkshire pudding.  No it’s not cheddar cheese, or swiss or any other kinds of wholesome, God-fearing cheeses that all red-blooded Americans consume by the pound.  This is a dessert pudding and it’s made with cottage cheese.  They weren’t kidding when they called this "spiced pudding".  If you don’t already have the required spices then this recipe can get real pricy, real fast. Also you should stock your kitchen better.  Luckily, I do have a well stocked spice rack. I’m graduating from college this week and I need that money for beer and shenanigans.  Anyway, you will need:

Eggs

Dried prunes

Nilla wafers

Chopped walnuts 

Cottage cheese

Cream or evaporated milk

A lemon

Butter

Sugar

Flour

Salt

Cinnamon

Nutmeg

Ground cloves

Butter 1 1/5 quart casserole dish and set it aside.

The recipe says to cover ¾ of a cup of dried prunes in boiled water and simmer it for about 45 minutes, or until tender.  Coarsely chop them and remove the pits.  Luckily, packaged dried prunes these days are usually pitted and pretty tender to start with, so that step isn't strictly necessary.

Now you need to melt three tablespoons of butter and make a half cup of nilla wafer crumbs, which takes about 12 cookies.  Put them in a big resealable bag and take your frustrations out on them.  Now mix the crumbs together with the butter and set it aside. 

Measure out a half cup of chopped walnuts and set aside

Sift together 1/3 cup sugar, 1 tablespoon flour, 1/4 tsp salt, cinnamon and nutmeg and 1/8 tsp cloves. Set aside.

It says to put 1 ½ cups of cottage cheese through a sieve to strain out excess moisture. Luckily,cottage cheese technology has marched on and you probably don't need to do that. Anyway, mix it with 2 beaten eggs, a half cup of cream or undiluted evaporated milk, 1 tsp lemon juice and 1/2 tsp grated lemon peel.

Stir the dry mixture, chopped walnuts and prunes into it. 

Now it says to “Turn mixture into casserole”.  I’m going to assume that means that you should pour the mixture into the dish now.   

Everyone here agrees that it looks like vomit.  Opinion is divided as to what kind of animal it came from.

Top it with the wafer crumbs. 

Better.

Bake at 350 35-50 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.  I ended up cooking it for about an hour.  Serve it warm.

 

Oh wow…This is actually good.  It’s actually really good.  I don't like dried fruit so that's a nice surprise.  It tastes a little bit like a baked apple.  The texture is a bit like a dense cobbler crossed with a quiche.  Sorry if this description is a bit confusing.  It’s a bit hard to find relevant comparisons.  Four of my friends also tried it.  The general verdict is “It tastes nice but the texture is weird”. I guess we can now rest assured that this recipe is just as successful at staving off cannibalism today as it was in the 50's.  

Stay queer!