Friday, December 23, 2011

Eggplant Burger

This takes about an hour, but it’s really easy and inexpensive.  I like vegan and vegetarian food and I feel like it doesn't get enough attention in this blog.  At first I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find anything weird in that category, but then I realized that my attitude towards it isn't shared by most Americans.  I’ve seen people turn their nose up at vegan and vegetarian food without even trying it.  Some people respond to “we have regular burgers and veggie burgers” as though the person speaking had said “we have regular burgers and I farted on every single one of them.” You know what? Several kinds of Oreos are vegan.  So are Nutter Butters.  So is a wide variety of alcohol.  Keep in mind, these don’t necessarily have to be vegan.  If you really take issue with it there’s nothing stopping you from slapping some cheese on there or even just using it as a burger topping instead.  Where’s the fun in that though?

You need:
An eggplant
Burger buns
Cost: $1 - $10

Slice some eggplant into silver dollars, and skin them.  Lightly salt both sides of each slice.

Now put them between two plates.  

Let them sit like that for about an hour.  You’re basically pressing the nastiness out. If you’re wondering what I meant by that, here’s a picture.  

The eggplant will secrete a dark liquid from being pressed. I’m pretty sure I’m not winning over anyone who isn't a fan of eggplant, but oh well. Just slap it on a bun, add whatever toppings you want, and you’re done!

These are super filling and there’s barely any cleanup.  Raw eggplant is soft, with a slight crunch to it, and tastes wonderfully fresh.  It makes a really good nice snack on a hot day.  Yeah, it doesn’t taste anything like a real burger, but it’s still satisfying.  On top of being filling and tasty, it’s low in calories.  Is that lame to you?  Do you need a bad boy edge to your food?  Well, eggplant contains more nicotine than any other edible plant. According to Wikipedia, about 20 lbs of eggplant has as much nicotine as a cigarette.  Mark my words, before you know it, street toughs will be standing in corners eating raw eggplants.  Not those hoity-toity rich posers who can afford to spend mommy’s money on cigarettes.  No, these will be the hardcore hooligans who live off the streets, and need to get their nic fix from eggplants to save up money for all the switchblades and leather jackets they need.  Do you really want to get on the bad side of people like that? No?  Then stay queer, square.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sidewalk Slammer Derivative

At time of writing, it’s the Saturday night before final’s week and I don’t have a job.  What better time to experiment with booze?  The sidewalk slammer is a relatively little know drink of choice delinquents who want to get really drunk and be awake for it.  To put it simply, it’s basically a punk rock mixed drink.  Why? Because it’s really bad for you, it’s trashy as hell, it tastes like ass, you get to drink it out of a 40, and you get a lot of drunk for your buck.  A normal sidewalk slammer is made by drinking about 2/3s of a 40 and adding a can of Sparks.  Sparks was an alcoholic energy drink.  It has since been decaffeinated, so now it’s basically alcohol that tastes like sweet tarts.  It’s just not the same anymore unless you also add Red Bull.  Basically, I’m going to see if I can make something comparable with a different brand of caffeinated alcohol.  If the pictures are horrible, you’ll probably be able to figure out why.

You need:
A 40 oz. (Steel Reserve being the most popular for this)
Colt 45 Blast (I used raspberry watermelon)
Total cost: $1 - $10

First drink the 40 down to about the bar code.

Now add the Blast.  It turned the beer an unappealing shade of pink.

Enjoy your heart palpitations!

It’s like beer and kool-aid.  It doesn’t taste good but it’s not terrible.

*6 hours pass*

Where am I? Where did this Dr.Pepper come from? What happened to my hoodie? Where did my room mate go?  Why is there an order of shrimp fried rice on my bed?  Why is it 4 am?  The answers to those question, in order, are underneath my bed, who knows?, apparently underneath me, no idea, it's best not to think too hard about it, and it's where I passed out.  Took me a few minutes to remember/figure all that out.  Yeah, if you do this then do it in a safe place with people you trust.  I can hold booze pretty well but that hit my like a train.  Luckily, I only had a slight hangover. Not gonna do that again for a looooooooong time. Now to buckle own and face the coming academic horror. I'd say to enjoy this responsibly, but that would imply that drinking this could be done responsibly, and I just can't do that in good conscience.  Stay queer!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Twinkie Wiener Sandwich

Do you want to know something totally insane?  I’ve LOST weight since I started this blog.  Granted, it’s not like I make most of this stuff more than once, but still.  I think I may be trying to see what I can get away with at this point.  In continuing with my quest to try weird food, we return once again to the land of the conveniently inexpensive, wacky snack foods.

Where did this one come from?   A little Weird Al movie called UHF. It’s gratuitously silly, and fucking awesome, and you should watch it.  In one scene Al makes and eats the titular snack.  I remember seeing it for the first time some years back and wondering what it tasted like, so why the fuck not?  Hm, Weird Al came up with a snack that is being featured in Allison’s queer blog.  Maybe it’s fate.

You need:
Twinkies: Big thanks to my friend Emi for getting them for me!
Hot dogs
Cheese whiz
Total cost: $1 - $10

It’s probably in your best interest to cook the hot dog first, but who am I to squelch your spirit?  There’s no need for words here. Let’s just watch the master.

You know, I read somewhere that Weird Al actually does enjoy these in real life. 


Holy shit…wow.  I think I just ate the platonic ideal of America.  This is the exactly the kind of grossly overindulgent, heart-attack-and-self-loathing-inducing, trashy, sugary, low class, lazy, unhealthy, fucking MIRACLE of the human mind that deserves a place on my blog!  Make this now, and then never ever do it again unless you lead an active lifestyle and generally eat right.  Oh, and you saw how he dunked it in milk?  That made it better!  Ok, maybe next week I’ll make something a little healthier.  Stay queer!