Fried Chicken Hearts

I find myself increasingly open to trying organ meats. I was hesitant about the tripe, I was slightly apprehensive about the tongue, and when I saw a package of chicken hearts I excitedly purchased it without a second thought.

Really, who could resist?

Since this is something I’ve never cooked before, I’ll go to my old standby and fry them up.

You need:

Scallions

Garlic

Chicken Hearts

Oil

Total: $1 - $10

Coarsely chop as many scallions and garlic cloves you’d like. I used three of each.

Sautee them in oil until the scallions and garlic start to brown slightly.

Add the hearts. Stir occasionally, to turn the hearts and keep the veggies from sticking to the bottom of the pan.  You want the hearts to turn dark brown.

It’s like a fatty piece of dark meat, only it’s a bit hard to bite through. Cardiovascular muscle is pretty dense and these feel almost like they have a sausage casing over them. It's not half bad, especially if you like dark meat. I even made a sandwich with it.  There is the slight disadvantage of my girlfriend refusing to kiss me, but that shouldn’t affect you because I’d punch you if you kissed her anyway. Despite devouring the hearts of an entire farm of chickens, I'm not sure if I absorbed any of their power. Hopefully I’ll gain their strength and courage in addition to what I have already, and not as a complete substitution. Stay queer!

Turkish Halva

While in a Polish grocery store in Queens, I happened upon this.

I’ve never heard of Halva. The first ingredient is tahiri, which I later discovered is ground sesame seed paste. My girlfriend asked the cashiers if they knew what it was. Apparently it’s some kind of dessert thing but neither of them could really describe it.  How intriguing.  Apparently halva is made in several countries, comes in several varieties, and originated in Iran.

For some reason, the marbled appearance gave me the impression that it'd be soft, like a spread. It’s actually very firm and crumbly and you have to break it apart. The texture is kind of odd.  The best comparison I can think of is ultra-densely packed fine ground peanuts. It starts off really easy to chew but, as you continue, it gets this kind of toffee-ish consistency. It’s sweet, kind of peanutty-tasting, and there’s a hint of coco.  It’s pretty good, if insanely rich.  A friend of mine tried it and seconded my assessments. Watch yourself if you have fillings, dentures, or just bad teeth in general because I could see this pulling something out if you're not careful. It’s enjoyable while you eat it, but it’s very easy to have too much and end up sprawled across the couch, feeling like there’s a billiard ball-sized wad of honey in your gut, and making noises like a walrus with gas pain.  Stay queer!

Lengua

Lengua is a Mexican beef dish.  Wanna see what part of the cow it uses?

That pan is about 10 inches across.

You know, I had tongue once before.  I visited my best friend in Philly recently and she was kind enough to buy me a quarter pound of sliced beef tongue from a deli. It smelled like a mix of pastrami and cat food.  Tasted alright though.

Unfortunately, girlfriend is not currently available to be traumatized. Luckily, my good friend Emi, who is also a vegetarian, has opted to be present during the bulk of its preparation. Lucky thing too. Half of the fun of this blog is inflicting it on others.  Of course, this is one of MY friends we’re talking about here.  They don't horrify easily and they tend to bounce back quickly. As I began prep we bantered about how the cow probably wanted to be an actress when she grew up, and had a loving family, and was going to go to college before it was all tragically cut short. Naturally, I held it in front of my mouth while standing very close to Emi as she was looking at something else and made a loud, throaty “BLULULULUAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG” sound when she noticed me. You know, the usual stuff people do when cooking. You know, I can't help but notice that the taste buds are pretty prominent.  You could feel them through the packaging.  By the way, if you’re a tongue aficionado and the color of the tongue seems a bit off, it’s because it was pre-smoked, not raw.

You need:

Beef tongue

5 Green chilis: I used serrano peppers

2 cans of corn

4 roma tomatoes

A small white or yellow onion

4 cloves of garlic

Total cost: $20 - $30 

Before you do anything else, you have to boil the tongue for 40-50 minutes per pound.  Why?  Because you need to skin it, of course!  Who ever heard of eating the skin on a cow tongue?  That would just be gross. By the way Emi noted that it smells like hot dogs.  As it boiled the smell became more and more prominent, until it filled every inch of my tiny, studio apartment.  Infer from that what you will. When it's done, set the tongue aside to cool for a few minutes.

Now skin it.  I thought this would be difficult, but you can actually just peel it off with your fingers.  It comes off very easily.

Now thinly slice the tongue.  The meat is very tender and easy to cut, so this only takes a minute.  You can chop it more finely if your skillet isn’t big enough. 

Now get your veggies ready!  In a skillet, roast the peppers over medium heat until the sides are charred.  The more charred it is, the easier it is to skin them.  Take them off of the heat, let them cool off a bit and rub the skin off.  If you’re using very hot peppers, or doubt your manual dexterity you should wear gloves to keep oil from getting under your nails because that shit is ridiculously painful. I once got datil pepper oil under my thumb nail and I thought it was going to melt off. Now cut off the tops and coarsely chop the peppers.  If you want your lengua to be spicier, leave the seeds in.  Now thinly slice the onion, mince the garlic, and coarsely shop the tomatoes.  Get your cans of corn ready as well.

Heat oil in a skillet over medium-high heat.  Transfer the peppers, garlic, and onion into the pan. Cook until the onions are translucent.

Add the beef tongue.  Cook for an additional 10 minutes to brown the meat.

Add the tomatoes, and cook them until they’re soft.  5 minutes should do it.

Finally, add drain and add the corn.  Cook for another 5 minutes or so to heat it. My skillet was not nearly big enough for this.

It tastes a bit like bland beef, but the fat gives it a hint of sweetness that's a bit like pork.  The slight heat from the peppers is quite nice and the firm texture of the corn compliments the tenderness of the beef. All of the meat and veggies absorbed some of the oil from the hot peppers, so the heat is nice and even, without being too strong.  All of the ingredients complement each other very nicely. This is really excellent.  I’m sure your average American meat-eater would love this as long as you don’t tell them it has tongue in it. That apparently works for hot dogs.  Stay queer!

Spicy Cornbread and Stuffing

Thanks to the kindness of one of my close friends (thanks, Mik!) we venture once more to Ass Kickin’ territory. I love stuffing, and what better way to ring in the new year than with some fire hole! (Ask a friend who eats a lot of spicy food.  They’ll explain that one to you) 

Fire hole: everyone's problem

You need:

Cornbread mix 

2 eggs

2 cups of milk

A third of a cup of butter or margarine

¾ of a cup of cheddar cheese

Total cost: $10 - $20

Melt the butter and mix it ina  bowl with the cornbread mix, eggs, milk, and cheese.  Like last time, I added the entire packet of ground habanero, much to the dismay of my girlfriend.  At least we both agreed that the batter smells wonderful.

Put it in the fridge for 15 minutes.  Stir and transfer to a baking pan.

Cook it at 400 degrees for 35-40 minutes.  It’s done when a toothpick or knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

Eating two pieces of this was a struggle.  At time of writing, it's one of the hottest things I’ve ever tasted, and I LOVE IT.  Girlfriend can’t handle it and is a bit pissed at me for adding all of the pepper.  It was totally worth it, more for me!  It’s not a flavorful as the beer bread because the heat comes really fast and strong, so it kind of drowns out the taste of the bread itself.  If you’re lucky, you’ll get a hint of cheese. It tastes very good with butter, which also dulls the heat somewhat.  From what I can tell so far, the cornbread itself is tasty.  I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but it ain’t sweet.  Now to make the stuffing!

You need:

A pan of the bread

Water or chicken broth (unless you’re dating a vegetarian, in which case you will be forced to use vegetable broth L )

½ cup of butter

Celery

A small onion

Total cost: roughly an additional 5 bucks.

Break the bread up into little pieces and finely chop a cup of celery and 4 tablespoons of onion.

Melt the butter in a pan and saute the veggies in it until they’re tender.

Take it off the heat and mix in the water or broth.  The recipe called for a ¼ cup, but I like my stuffing to be moist so I added a full cup.

Now mix the contents of the pan with the bread and toss it lightly.

It’s still very hot, but a bit less so and it takes a second to hit you.  You can taste the bread more now and it’s pretty damn good.  Girlfriend enjoys it too!  I’d love to try it with some chicken, or turkey.  I feel like this would be a hit at a barbecue. Stay queer!

Eggplant Burger

This takes about an hour, but it’s really easy and inexpensive.  I like vegan and vegetarian food and I feel like it doesn't get enough attention in this blog.  At first I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find anything weird in that category, but then I realized that my attitude towards it isn't shared by most Americans.  I’ve seen people turn their nose up at vegan and vegetarian food without even trying it.  Some people respond to “we have regular burgers and veggie burgers” as though the person speaking had said “we have regular burgers and I farted on every single one of them.” You know what? Several kinds of Oreos are vegan.  So are Nutter Butters.  So is a wide variety of alcohol.  Keep in mind, these don’t necessarily have to be vegan.  If you really take issue with it there’s nothing stopping you from slapping some cheese on there or even just using it as a burger topping instead.  Where’s the fun in that though?

You need:

An eggplant

Burger buns

Salt

Cost: $1 - $10

Slice some eggplant into silver dollars, and skin them.  Lightly salt both sides of each slice.

Now put them between two plates.  

Let them sit like that for about an hour.  You’re basically pressing the nastiness out. If you’re wondering what I meant by that, here’s a picture.  

The eggplant will secrete a dark liquid from being pressed. I’m pretty sure I’m not winning over anyone who isn't a fan of eggplant, but oh well. Just slap it on a bun, add whatever toppings you want, and you’re done!

These are super filling and there’s barely any cleanup.  Raw eggplant is soft, with a slight crunch to it, and tastes wonderfully fresh.  It makes a really good nice snack on a hot day.  Yeah, it doesn’t taste anything like a real burger, but it’s still satisfying.  On top of being filling and tasty, it’s low in calories.  Is that lame to you?  Do you need a bad boy edge to your food?  Well, eggplant contains more nicotine than any other edible plant. According to Wikipedia, about 20 lbs of eggplant has as much nicotine as a cigarette.  Mark my words, before you know it, street toughs will be standing in corners eating raw eggplants.  Not those hoity-toity rich posers who can afford to spend mommy’s money on cigarettes.  No, these will be the hardcore hooligans who live off the streets, and need to get their nic fix from eggplants to save up money for all the switchblades and leather jackets they need.  Do you really want to get on the bad side of people like that? No?  Then stay queer, square.

Sidewalk Slammer Derivative

At time of writing, it’s the Saturday night before final’s week and I don’t have a job.  What better time to experiment with booze?  The sidewalk slammer is a relatively little know drink of choice delinquents who want to get really drunk and be awake for it.  To put it simply, it’s basically a punk rock mixed drink.  Why? Because it’s really bad for you, it’s trashy as hell, it tastes like ass, you get to drink it out of a 40, and you get a lot of drunk for your buck.  A normal sidewalk slammer is made by drinking about 2/3s of a 40 and adding a can of Sparks.  Sparks was an alcoholic energy drink.  It has since been decaffeinated, so now it’s basically alcohol that tastes like sweet tarts.  It’s just not the same anymore unless you also add Red Bull.  Basically, I’m going to see if I can make something comparable with a different brand of caffeinated alcohol.  If the pictures are horrible, you’ll probably be able to figure out why.

You need:

A 40 oz. (Steel Reserve being the most popular for this)

Colt 45 Blast (I used raspberry watermelon)

Total cost: $1 - $10

First drink the 40 down to about the bar code.

Now add the Blast.  It turned the beer an unappealing shade of pink.

Enjoy your heart palpitations!

It’s like beer and kool-aid.  It doesn’t taste good but it’s not terrible.

*6 hours pass*

Where am I? Where did this Dr.Pepper come from? What happened to my hoodie? Where did my room mate go?  Why is there an order of shrimp fried rice on my bed?  Why is it 4 am?  The answers to those question, in order, are underneath my bed, who knows?, apparently underneath me, no idea, it's best not to think too hard about it, and it's where I passed out.  Took me a few minutes to remember/figure all that out.  Yeah, if you do this then do it in a safe place with people you trust.  I can hold booze pretty well but that hit my like a train.  Luckily, I only had a slight hangover. Not gonna do that again for a looooooooong time. Now to buckle own and face the coming academic horror. I'd say to enjoy this responsibly, but that would imply that drinking this could be done responsibly, and I just can't do that in good conscience.  Stay queer!

Twinkie Wiener Sandwich

Do you want to know something totally insane?  I’ve LOST weight since I started this blog.  Granted, it’s not like I make most of this stuff more than once, but still.  I think I may be trying to see what I can get away with at this point.  In continuing with my quest to try weird food, we return once again to the land of the conveniently inexpensive, wacky snack foods.

Where did this one come from?   A little Weird Al movie called UHF. It’s gratuitously silly, and fucking awesome, and you should watch it.  In one scene Al makes and eats the titular snack.  I remember seeing it for the first time some years back and wondering what it tasted like, so why the fuck not?  Hm, Weird Al came up with a snack that is being featured in Allison’s queer blog.  Maybe it’s fate.

You need:

Twinkies: Big thanks to my friend Emi for getting them for me!

Hot dogs

Cheese whiz

Total cost: $1 - $10

It’s probably in your best interest to cook the hot dog first, but who am I to squelch your spirit?  There’s no need for words here. Let’s just watch the master.

You know, I read somewhere that Weird Al actually does enjoy these in real life. 

IT TASTES LIKE A CORNDOG WITH CREAM! :O

Holy shit…wow.  I think I just ate the platonic ideal of America.  This is the exactly the kind of grossly overindulgent, heart-attack-and-self-loathing-inducing, trashy, sugary, low class, lazy, unhealthy, fucking MIRACLE of the human mind that deserves a place on my blog!  Make this now, and then never ever do it again unless you lead an active lifestyle and generally eat right.  Oh, and you saw how he dunked it in milk?  That made it better!  Ok, maybe next week I’ll make something a little healthier.  Stay queer!