This recipe was inspired by the constant misrepresentation,
denial, deluded bragging, and outright lying that people do online. In addition
to the concept of deception, this sandwich is based on two of the more famous
French sandwiches: the croque-monsieur and the pan-bagnat. I
invite the gourmands and gourmets among you to take a shot whenever you feel
your soul hurt, which will be pretty often.
You need:
A small baguette or similar roll
Miracle Whip
imitation crab
turkey bologna
swiss cheese
cocktail onions
imitation bacon bits
egg beaters
Total cost: $ 10- $ 20
Slice a small baguette or whatever similarly
proportioned roll you could find at the local bodega in half. Lay both sides
flat. Preheat an oven to 350.
Spread Miracle Whip lightly on both sides.
Note that the croque-monsieur is made with a white sauce
and Miracle Whip is white; ergo fuck it, same thing.
Cut three slices of precut swiss cheese and
three slices of turkey bologna in half and distribute them evenly across both
halves of the bread, with the cheese on top of the bologna. Swiss is just
gruyere’s less pretentious cousin and turkey bologna is like the ham of the
proletariat, so really we’re just taking sandwich-making back from the fat
cats.
Place about 2.5 oz of imitation crab on top
of the cheese on the bottom slice. Imitation crab is pollock dressed up all
fancy-like, making it superior to the lowly tuna, which is only ever used to
imitate dirty vaginas. Put that in the oven for 10 minutes on a baking sheet
lined with tin foil because fucked if you’re doing dishes today, what with all
of the tv there is.
Scramble up one serving of egg beaters,
adding whatever spices you prefer. Note that hardboiling eggs must not be all
that great since you can’t hardboil eggs from a carton and cartons are the only
type of packaging that the government nanobots can’t penetrate. Add some cocktail
onions. They will add a touch of class and surely signal to your beloved that
you will both be sipping martinis on the beach just as soon as that hapless
Nigerian prince is able to recover his inheritance. True, they do not come in
cartons (Cocktail onions, that is. You’ve never seen a Nigerian prince, so you
can’t be certain.), but it’s good to diversify. It keeps your mind open, unlike
all of those heckling bastards online who were too narrow-minded to understand
that your PhDs in homeopathy and faith healing make you an expert on oncology.
When the sandwich has finished cooking,
carefully place the scrambled egg beaters atop the pollock and give the whole
mess a generous sprinkle of imitation bacon bits. Chipotle sauce is also
recommended.
Cut the sandwich in half, give half to your
girlfriend, put Lars and The Real Girl on yet again, and wonder why your lover
hasn’t said anything in the three years it’s been since you assembled her.
Enjoy it with a nice, lukewarm glass of wine product.
