Terrine au Piment d’Espelette

Yet another (presumably) proper noun, and a word I’ve never seen before. I wonder if Espelette is another type of booze? What with it being the day after St.Patrick’s Day, I kind of hope it isn’t. I'm glad I have a variety of terrines to try, I didn't expect them to be as different as they are. 

Huh, I didn’t expect it to be so pinkish. I suspect that this either means it’s has salmon in it, or it’s spicy. As I have a somewhat masochistic relationship with spicy food and love salmon, I think I’m in for a win-win here.

It is spicy, but just the tiniest bit. It’s more of an aftertaste really.  It’s coarser than the other two terrines. The texture is more like sausage filling than the others, and it’s definitely heavier. The flavor is very subtle, there’s only a hint of liver, but it’s very nuanced. It’s got these little flecks of red, and orange in it. I guess that’s some kind of mild chili peppers. 

Overall quite good. I get the feeling that so far this would be the most popular terrine with Americans so far. Make it spicier, dunk it in cheese, have it with a beer, and you got yourself a hit. Let’s see, apparently, aside from ingredients in common with the other two it has: pepper (I guess what means hot pepper), and Espelette pepper…what the hell does that mean? To the internet! Ok, according to Wikipedia, Espelette peppers are a type of mild pepper grown in France. It has a heat rating of about 4,000 Scoville Heat Units (SHU). To put that in perspective, jalapenos rate from 2,500 to 5,000 SHU. I’m sorry for the brevity, but the sound of my room mate throwing up is very distracting. Enjoy another French  video. If the blog isn’t gay enough for you as is, this may do the trick. Stay queer!

Terrine de canard a l'Armagnac

Eh, what the hell? Might as well give the others reviews. After translating the ingredients I decided that the video to go with this post should be a bit less toddler-mistaking-mom's-cries-of-ecstasy-for-permission-y and more pretty-French-music-y. 

What better way to acquaint yourself with a melange of organ and who knows what else than with the accompaniment of one of France's most beloved chanteuses? Kind of makes you want to stop listening to that dubstep shit so the rest of us don't have to listen to you blast what sounds like an early 90's dialup connection fucking a synthesizer, right? Anyway:

I know canard means duck, so a bit of the mystery is gone. Not sure what Armagnac is. I guess it's a proper noun, but that's all I got. BTW, just to prove I wasn't lying about it looking like cat food earlier:

This one smells a bit more like tuna. 

The flavor is stronger and less nuanced. It tastes more like regular liverwurst. It’s textured similarly to the last terrine, but slightly more coarse. I think this has more liver in it than the last one. I'm not sure if it has duck liver, duck meat, or both, but it does feel and taste slightly more meaty. It’s a bit more like a meat paste, or sausage filling. Something heavier is in there too, somehow it seems to have a touch more bite than the last one. This one is also quite good. I think people who prefer stronger flavors would like this better than the last terrine. Let’s see. The ingredients are:  lean pork fat, chicken liver, duck, eggs, milk, Armagnac (a type of brandy), salt, and pepper. Ok, so it was brandy. Damn, that's fancy. Stay classy, France and stay queer, readers!

Terrine aux Cepes

Apologies for the lack of accent marks in this post. Feel free to draw them on your computer screen to compensate.

Despite prayer, all of the letters I sent to the French military, and no fewer than 3 separate facebook petitions, my sister (author of Jennyphoria) came back from the Paris for a brief visit. She was kind enough to bring some gifts, presumably as an apology for breaching her containment overseas, among which was a variety pack of terrine.

According to Wikipedia terrine is “a French forcemeat loaf, similar to pate.” You had me at forcemeat loaf. I’m still deciding if I want to review one or several terrines because I don’t know how similar they are. We’ll see I guess. You know, I keep looking on the back to look at the nutrition info, and ingredients despite the facts that 1) there are no nutrition facts, which I have been well aware of since the first time I checked, and 2) the writing on the box requires far more skill with French than I have, which I have also been well aware of since the first time I checked.

Ok, enough fucking about. Let’s get down to business. I’m going to try…

You know, I never thought I'd see fancy French food with a pop tab on it.

Smells a bit like cat food, looks a bit like cat food, has taken the shape of the can in a manner similar to cat food. You're supposed to eat it on crackers or toast points. At this point in my life, I know better than to turn my nose up at something simply because it reminds me a bit of cat food. I realize that that previous sentence must have raised a few eyebrows, so I’d like to clarify that if something looks and smells a bit like cat food, it probably has liver in it.

Wikipedia was accurate, the texture is similar to pate, only less smooth. It tastes moderately like liver, and its got a hint of black pepper, and cheese, even though I don’t see fromage anywhere on the ingredients list. The flavor is a bit mild, but that works just fine, as it allows the spices to shine through more. There’s something more I can’t quite place, but it’s familiar, and flavorful. There’s also a slight hint of…bacon? Let’s see. According to google translate, this is made of lean pork fat (explains the bacon), chicken liver, eggs, milk, mushrooms, salt, and pepper. Mushrooms! That’s what it was. This was tasty. French food is generally pretty awesome. Also, they make way better condom commercials there.

Stay queer!

Eristoff Red is Fucking Nasty

This isn't only my personal diary of culinary abortions, it's also a source of entertainment and information for my readers. Now, the majority of my reader are related to me or friends I met in college ,so I have extra incentive to be honest and let you know when something doesn't work. This, my friends, does not work:

It almost looks innocent...

As you may have guessed, I usually don't get top shelf liquor. As I was browsing for some post-midterms celebration booze, I noticed a bottle of vodka named Eristoff Red. It was only 10 bucks, it's vodka , and it has a sweet wolf on the bottle, so I decided to be adventurous. It says it's sloe berry flavored, which is the worst misspelling of cough syrup I've ever seen. It tastes exactly like cough syrup. No joke...like...gah. Please be aware of this vodka in your community and don't welcome it into your home or your liver. If you must though, it's palatable with ginger ale. Stay queer and treat yourself to some Van Gogh instead, that stuff's the best.

Junk Food Soup

Once again we’re delving into the wide world of prison cuisine.  I was watching Lockup with one of my sisters recently and, occasionally, they show an inmate cooking. I caught a short segment of a woman making this and describing the recipe. I forget what she called it. Looked easy enough though.  She seemed to be in pretty good spirits, despite living in a shack outside in the Midwestern heat, in a prison that treats homemade sex toys as contraband, surrounded by presumably sweaty, and overheated women, at least some of whom were carrying surprisingly sharp knives made out of coffee cup lids and such.  I guess that means that this is relatively tasty or she just stopped giving a fuck about anything. I have mixed feelings about trying this. It has corn nuts, which are my favorite snack food, however it also has pork rinds, which are fucking nasty. I’m giving this recipe the chance to make them palatable. Upon reflection, this means that pork rinds are marginally less disgusting to me than raisins. I fucking hate raisins.

You need:

Corn nuts. Judging by the color, she was using nacho cheese, but all I could get was ranch

Jalapeno cheese dip

Pork rinds

Price range: $1- $10

Boil some water. Add the corn nuts and water to a wide mouthed bottle or jar of some sort. I think she was holding wither a Vitamin Water or Gatorade bottle. 

Ok, I guess that's not too bad.

Shake it up well. The water was opaque red on tv so presumably the goal is to mix the seasoning well into the water, and soften up to corn nuts a bit. 

You could almost convince yourself it's chicken broth.

Add the cheese to your taste and shake it up a bit more. I think she added about two tablespoons, but you’re presumably on the outside so go nuts. 

That is just disgusting...

Pour that mixture into the bag of pork rinds. I guess you could use a pot if you feel fancy. I don’t feel fancy in the slightest, but I am acutely aware of the fact that I’m clumsy.

It...it sounds like Rice Krispies...

I hate to admit it, but this is actually not bad. There is a hint of pork rind that I don’t really care for, but it’s tolerable. The corn nuts really make it for me. They’re softer, but still a bit crunchy. The cheesy broth isn't half bad either.  The pork rinds absorb the broth pretty well too. I know that sounds nasty but it’s better than how they usually taste. I think a version of this without pork rinds would be far superior but I don't know if I hate myself enough to make it in the near future. Rejoice, trailer park residents of the world! Your alpha snack food has been discovered! Stay queer!