Rich Kid Prison Spread

For this post, I was actually inspired by the sickening commercialization of St Mark’s Place.  In the spirit of making things safer and more accessible to sheltered, rich, jerks at the expense of what made it cool in the first place, I’m going to take the prison spread recipe and get my gentrification on.  Ideally I would have gone to Whole Foods for the ingredients but, fittingly enough, it’s currently a bit out of my price range.  Ouch.  I’m going into this expecting it to be good.  I don’t know if I will have that wonderful decadence factor, but it will be healthier and with better, if more expensive, ingredients, so really I’m improvi- OH FUCK IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING HERE! (p.s.: This post only has the "prison food" tag to make searching for it easier.)

Ahem.

Anyway, you need:

Charmingly ethnic queso dip

Gourmet spicy Soy and flaxseed chips

Authentic canned sockeye salmon

Genuine Trader Ming’s Pad Thai

Optional: Hot sauce and spices.

Cost: about $10 - $20

Boil some water.  In a resealable container (for authenticity), combine the pad thai noodles (set the sauce aside for now)

the salmon

queso dip to your taste 

and a few ground up chips.  Hand grind the chips, just like the little people do. It'll show everyone how down to Earth you are, even if you do live in a $8000 a month apartment in Manhattan.

Add just enough water to cover it and mix it up a little bit.  Now seal the container and wrap in it in an L.L.Bean  sleeping bag or an ironically hideous sweater to cook.  Actually, the noodles are a bit thick for that so you can just boil it for a few minutes in a pot or one of those charming little electric tea kettles if you’d rather.

Drain off the excess water carefully, mix in the pad thai sauce and spices of your choice.  I added some habanero hot sauce and garlic powder.

Sweet, spicy, and cheesy.  It still feels decadent, but not in the same way.  It’s quite good, but it isn’t the cheesy mess of sodium that prison spread is.  Doesn’t look any prettier either.  I think the other recipes are a bit better, but my palette may just be unrefined or  damaged from all the stuff I’ve consumed for this blog.  Stay queer and kill yuppies!

Imp Eyes

Well, science damn it!  Three weeks without an update! I was kicking myself the whole time, I swear.  I’m doing something Halloween-ish themed 49 weeks early.  You’re welcome.

While sitting in class like a month ago, I was struck with an idea for a blog post.  (Yes, I’ve been sitting on this the whole time.  The idea well has not run dry) It’d not really something you could give to trick-or-treaters, but it could be fun (if unappetizing) to have a tray of these at a party.

You need:

Peanut butter cups

M & Ms

1 lb of ground beef

Total cost: $1 - $10

Roll the ground beef into balls and press an indent into them.  Ground beef puffs up as it cooks so make it pretty deep.

Now cook them in an oven to your desired done-ness.  The gristle and fat will pool in the indent, so flip them over about halfway through cooking.  It took me about 20 minutes at 400, but I suspect my oven may not be working properly.

Remove the chocolate from the top of the peanut butter cup and place one in each indent.  The beef will still be hot so give it a minute for it to melt into the beef a bit.

Now press and m & m into the “iris”.

The beef, chocolate, and peanut butter taste good together. The sweetness of the peanut butter cup might be a bit much, but it doesn't overpower the beef.  Also, I gotta say, I find this wonderfully aesthetically pleasing.  It looks gross and sloppy, and that just screams Halloween to me.  For added effect and flavor, maybe it could be served in a dish of ketchup or flecked with hot sauce.  I thought up a few variations on it too.  Maybe I’ll make a few sometime.  I declare this a success! They all said I was mad when I told them that I wanted to combine beef and candy!  Well, who’s mad now!?  Stay queer, kids.  Stay queer.