The Curious Package from Colorado

Goodness!  It seems that mother has sent me a small package!  Whatever could it be?

 

Oysters?  Oh, I love oysters!  But why would mother take the trouble to mail me a tin of oysters all the way from Colorado?  What’s this?  It seems that there's something else in the oyster box.

 

Mercy me.

Yup, crickets.  These aren’t your grandfather’s crickets though.  These are bacon and cheese crickets, bitch!  These are for cool kids on the go who have to have their bacon and cheese flavor right in the crickets because they ain't got no time for slicing cheese and frying bacon between sweet jam sessions, skate boarding, and wearing sunglasses regardless of whether or not they need them! I’ve been wanting to branch out into bugs lately, so this is as good a start as any. 

It’s got a nutty flavor to it and it’s very crunchy.  It's a bit like a dried soybean actually.  The hint of cheese is nice, but I don't really taste any bacon.  If I gave this to someone who was blindfolded they’d probably like it fine.  It’s not gross and it doesn’t have a weird texture or anything. That's all I really have to say about them but it’d be a shame to end so briefly.  Let’s see how it stacks up with some other foods.

OREO

No noticeable difference other than a faint nutty flavor.  If you smush it down, it doesn’t look any different from a regular oreo.  Not bad for a practical joke.

Mustard

Mustard + cheese + cricket = delightful!

Ice cream

The texture reminds me of praline crunch ice cream and it only had a faint aftertaste.  Again, not bad for a practical joke.  These things are like whoopie cushion of the animal kingdom.

Tuna

Not at all bad but canned tuna that’s crunchy is somewhat unsettling, especially considering the redundancy of adding bugs to tuna.  Stay queer!

Prison Spread Deluxe: The Second Offense

I'll give you all a moment to stop rolling your eyes...

Done?

Ok.  I found a more complicated prison spread recipe!  The basic one I made earlier was good but I didn't really explore.  It would be like making a vanilla cake and saying “Ok!  That’s all for cake!  No need to experiment!” if I didn't try another version.  Also, I’m broke.  Anyway, this particular recipe is based off of something called “pork rind soup”. The process this time is a bit more like what you'd have to do in prison.

Well, guess what?  We have another record breaker!  My search for pork rinds took me to 6 and was fruitless.  I’m actually happy about that because I hate pork rinds and the amount I needed would have left me with excess.  

You Need

Doritos: .50

A spicy beef stick of some sort

Hot sauce

Mayonnaise

Spicy nacho cheese

Ramen

Cheez-its

Pickle relish

Total: $1 - $10

Make yourself some ramen, but don’t add the spice pack yet.  While that’s cooking, dice up the beef stick and set aside some chips and cheez-its.

If anyone cares, that's about a half serving of cheez-its

Drain off most of the water and transfer the noodles and remaining water into a ziplock bag.  Crush up the chips and cheez-its and microwave your nacho cheese for about 20 seconds.  Now add the crushed chips and cheez-its, cheese, diced beef stick, a spoonful or packet of relish, a spoonful or packet of mayonnaise, some hot sauce and the spice packet to the bag.  Seal it and knead the bag to mush the stuff together.   

 

Now wrap the bag in a towel and let it cook for about 5 minutes.

Ohh, that is mad spicy.  I like it.  You can taste the cheese more than in the first recipe.  It has a sticky, soft and creamy texture.  The chip chunks are soft, but not soggy and the slim jim is less chewy.  The relish adds an occasional small hint of sweetness.  I think too much of it would have made it too sweet and overpowered the cheese.  What’s nice that that the relative scarcity of the added chips and meat means that it’s very distinct when you get some in a mouthful, so the flavor is somewhat dynamic.  Gotta admit, I didn’t expect this recipe review to need this much depth and complexity...or any at all to be honest. Stay queer!

Sausage Milkshak- I mean, sausage and ice cream dip.

I was cooking datil pepper sausage for non-blog purposes today. As I lovingly parboiled it, taking care to avoid puncturing the casing, I thought to myself “It’s too fucking hot!”  Followed shortly thereafter by “What am I going to make this week?  I still haven’t gone to *spoiler* OR *spoiler*…and I still have those bread crumbs. How the hell am I going to use them all?”  So I pondered…

and pondered…

and pondered…

for a good 20 or 25 seconds. (I ponder quickly).  An idea was hatched.  An idea that would provide me with all the wonders of sausage, a way too cool, off and an excuse to use some bread crumbs.  So come friends.  Come with me on this journey.

 

You will need:

Sausage

Cheese

Condiments you like

Relish

Vanilla ice cream

Seasoned bread crumbs:  I’ll never be free, they’ll be with me always.

Total: $10 - $20

The sausage was already cooked by the time I made up my mind.  You can make sausage in a bunch of different ways, just look it up.  The trick is to cook it evenly over a medium to low heat and avoid puncturing the casing. If you don’t have the time or patience I guess you could just buy your favorite type of brats or hotdogs.  Odds are good that you won’t be able to find datil pepper sausage or sauce easily but if you can get your hands on it then go for it.  

Rip up about 3 oz of sausage into small chunks.  Throw that, some ketchup, mustard, relish, 2 oz of cheese, a quarter cup of bread crumbs and about a cup and a half of ice cream into a blender.  Fuck around with the proportions to your taste. 

Now blend!  Blend it before God and all the bones of the saints!  Ok, now you’re done.

 

Drinking this gets real nauseating real fast.  However, if you repurpose it as a sandwich spread or dip it’s quite good. On a hunch I put some on toast and suddenly I was enjoying it.  I suppose the consistency and flavor are only good in small doses.  Makes sense sort of, I mean you wouldn’t want a tall frothy glass of mayonnaise, would you?  It’s got a sweet, spicy, tomato-y flavor to it and it’s VERY thick.  You still get the hint of sausage in their too.  I guess it’s a partial success?  Kinda?  Maybe?  Well, either way, that’ll teach me to put off buying supplies.  Stay queer!

Prison Spread

“Spread” is a general term for ramen + whatever the fuck else (usually other junk foods from the commissary) cooked with hot water in a trash or ziplock bag.  I figured I should explain that straight away because people react to the term "prison spread" with varying degrees of apprehension whenever I bring it up. Microwaving may be involved depending on the prison and the prisoner’s level of privilege.  Apparently it’s very popular and it’s easy to make enough to share with cellmates.  This is my second foray into prison food.  I’ve been looking into prison food recipes a lot lately because they're so easy and inexpensive. You know what I noticed?  Prison snacks tend to display creativity, whereas dorm food tends to display laziness.

That’s a bit telling, isn’t it?  Meditate on that the next time you’re writing yet another unappreciated screenplay/short story/ sonnet/ song about two Williamsburg twenty-somethings trying to come to grips with their feelings of mutual attraction while being faced with with the soul-crushing ennui caused by living in a world where consumer culture is so prevalent and poisonous that the only way to rebel against it is to ravenously indulge in very worst and most tasteless parts of it and look down on others who do so without irony.  Please do so for twice as long if there’s also a subplot about one or more characters reconciling with rich parents that never understood them.  You know, the one you have that’s totally going to blow people’s minds and open their eyes to the corporate dystopia and social stagnation that only you were special enough to notice?  (I’m VERY happy to be done with college. Can you tell?)

*Ahem*  Yeah, so prison spread…

You need:

Top ramen

Nacho cheese

A can of tuna

Hot sauce

Pretzels

Total cost: $1 - $10

Ok, I know I said that this is usually done in a trash or chip bag but frankly I just don’t want to.  I’m cheating and using tupperware. This is my reward for not being too big a nuisance to rich, white people. Anyway, start by breaking up the ramen in the bag.  Dump it into the bag or container and set aside the seasoning packet.  Now, add your can of undrained tuna.   

You can either add pretzels to it as it is, or you eat the spread on them.  Hell, do both if you want.  I think I’ll use them for dipping though.  

Add just enough hot water to cover it, seal up the bag or container and let it sit for about 2 minutes, more if you want softer noodles.  While that cooks, heat up your nacho cheese in microwave, if available.  Once the spread is done cooking, drain carefully drain off about half of the excess water (or don’t, it’s up to you) and add the cheese and seasoning packet.  Top with hot sauce and mix it up.

Awesome.  It’s like the best chip dip ever. It’s a spicy cheese dip with soft pasta and meat after all.  Like the slim jim surprise, it’s ridiculously filling works well as a comfort food.  You know what?  I see no reason why this should be kept in the domain of prison.  Set this shit out at a party next to a big bowl or pretzels or tortillas chips.  Yeah, it’s not fine dining but, if anyone complains, just invite them to read what goes into pate sometime.  There are a ton of ways to make this too.  Add whatever you want.  Mayo, popcorn, jalapenos, veggies, etc.  There’s no one recipe for spread, it seems like ramen is the only consistent ingredient.  For the sake of authenticity, stick with stuff you can get in prison, barring things like toilet sangria…unless you’re over 21 of course.  Stay queer!

Sinner's Sandwich and Breakfast Club Sandwich

I don’t have a camera right now.  Sorry.

Every now and again you’ll see a character in a movie, video game, tv show, etc. whip up a weird meal of some sort.  Sometimes it simply isn't food (The fraggles eating girders) and sometimes it’s because the ingredients just don’t make sense (Birdemic's entire raw fish and random, possibly inedible, seaweed that wasn't even cleaned soup). I wonder about them sometimes so I decided to make two of them that come from the latter category.  The first is the “sinner’s sandwich” from Deadly Premonition, a video game that I recently acquired.  The second is the sandwich the weird chick from The Breakfast Club eats at lunch.

You need:

Cap’n Crunch or a knock off thereof

Butter or margarine

White bread

Whole wheat bread

Pixie sticks or fun dip

Sliced turkey breast

Strawberry jam

Total cost: $10 - $20 

For the sinner’s sandwich spread strawberry jam on two slices of bread.  Add some turkey and top it off with cereal.  The type of bread and cereal is unspecified.  I went with multigrain and corn flakes because I'm eating both of these sandwiches in the same day and I don't want to get diabetes. In the game, the protagonist overhears that another character ordered this and calls it a “sinner’s sandwich” because it sounds like something someone would only eat as an act of repentance, sort of like wearing a hair shirt or self-flagellation.  The protagonist is persuaded to try it after the customer overhears and insists that it’s actually quite good.  The protagonist is shocked to discover that it’s delicious.  Skip to 0:56 to get to it.

It’s actually good!  It tastes like turkey with slightly sweeter cranberry sauce and the crunch of the cereal is really nice.  The first thing that came to mind was Thanksgiving.  It’s not good enough to warrant the protagonist’s shocked reaction and order change but it is quite tasty.  Then again, he is a huge weirdo. I think that going with a relatively bland cereal like corn flakes was a good choice because I think that a sugary cereal would have made it too sweet.

One of the most famous scenes in The Breakfast Club is the lunch scene because of the weird sandwich that Allison makes.  To recreate it, butter a slice of white bread and a slice of wheat bread.  Spread the contents of a pixie stick or one bag of fun dip evenly over both slices.  Take a heaping handful of cereal and crunch it on to one slice so that it sticks in the butter. Repeat this process with the other and carefully put the two halves together.  The way the other characters react to this is priceless.

In retrospect, it was a terrible idea to have a cup of coffee before eating this.

Wow, this is more surprising than the sinner's sandwich.  It’s like a crunchy, strawberry cream filled pastry. It’s the sort of thing you eat after going through a rough breakup while listening to cheesy love songs on repeat.  My only real complaint is that I’m now uncomfortably energetic.  

I expected that at least one of these would be bad or at least taste funny.  I admit this is probably mostly because the characters who eat them are both very weird. Although, in fairness, the guy who orders the sinner’s sandwich isn’t the one who came up with the recipe.  Stay queer!