Eggplant Burger

This takes about an hour, but it’s really easy and inexpensive.  I like vegan and vegetarian food and I feel like it doesn't get enough attention in this blog.  At first I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find anything weird in that category, but then I realized that my attitude towards it isn't shared by most Americans.  I’ve seen people turn their nose up at vegan and vegetarian food without even trying it.  Some people respond to “we have regular burgers and veggie burgers” as though the person speaking had said “we have regular burgers and I farted on every single one of them.” You know what? Several kinds of Oreos are vegan.  So are Nutter Butters.  So is a wide variety of alcohol.  Keep in mind, these don’t necessarily have to be vegan.  If you really take issue with it there’s nothing stopping you from slapping some cheese on there or even just using it as a burger topping instead.  Where’s the fun in that though?

You need:

An eggplant

Burger buns

Salt

Cost: $1 - $10

Slice some eggplant into silver dollars, and skin them.  Lightly salt both sides of each slice.

Now put them between two plates.  

Let them sit like that for about an hour.  You’re basically pressing the nastiness out. If you’re wondering what I meant by that, here’s a picture.  

The eggplant will secrete a dark liquid from being pressed. I’m pretty sure I’m not winning over anyone who isn't a fan of eggplant, but oh well. Just slap it on a bun, add whatever toppings you want, and you’re done!

These are super filling and there’s barely any cleanup.  Raw eggplant is soft, with a slight crunch to it, and tastes wonderfully fresh.  It makes a really good nice snack on a hot day.  Yeah, it doesn’t taste anything like a real burger, but it’s still satisfying.  On top of being filling and tasty, it’s low in calories.  Is that lame to you?  Do you need a bad boy edge to your food?  Well, eggplant contains more nicotine than any other edible plant. According to Wikipedia, about 20 lbs of eggplant has as much nicotine as a cigarette.  Mark my words, before you know it, street toughs will be standing in corners eating raw eggplants.  Not those hoity-toity rich posers who can afford to spend mommy’s money on cigarettes.  No, these will be the hardcore hooligans who live off the streets, and need to get their nic fix from eggplants to save up money for all the switchblades and leather jackets they need.  Do you really want to get on the bad side of people like that? No?  Then stay queer, square.

Sidewalk Slammer Derivative

At time of writing, it’s the Saturday night before final’s week and I don’t have a job.  What better time to experiment with booze?  The sidewalk slammer is a relatively little know drink of choice delinquents who want to get really drunk and be awake for it.  To put it simply, it’s basically a punk rock mixed drink.  Why? Because it’s really bad for you, it’s trashy as hell, it tastes like ass, you get to drink it out of a 40, and you get a lot of drunk for your buck.  A normal sidewalk slammer is made by drinking about 2/3s of a 40 and adding a can of Sparks.  Sparks was an alcoholic energy drink.  It has since been decaffeinated, so now it’s basically alcohol that tastes like sweet tarts.  It’s just not the same anymore unless you also add Red Bull.  Basically, I’m going to see if I can make something comparable with a different brand of caffeinated alcohol.  If the pictures are horrible, you’ll probably be able to figure out why.

You need:

A 40 oz. (Steel Reserve being the most popular for this)

Colt 45 Blast (I used raspberry watermelon)

Total cost: $1 - $10

First drink the 40 down to about the bar code.

Now add the Blast.  It turned the beer an unappealing shade of pink.

Enjoy your heart palpitations!

It’s like beer and kool-aid.  It doesn’t taste good but it’s not terrible.

*6 hours pass*

Where am I? Where did this Dr.Pepper come from? What happened to my hoodie? Where did my room mate go?  Why is there an order of shrimp fried rice on my bed?  Why is it 4 am?  The answers to those question, in order, are underneath my bed, who knows?, apparently underneath me, no idea, it's best not to think too hard about it, and it's where I passed out.  Took me a few minutes to remember/figure all that out.  Yeah, if you do this then do it in a safe place with people you trust.  I can hold booze pretty well but that hit my like a train.  Luckily, I only had a slight hangover. Not gonna do that again for a looooooooong time. Now to buckle own and face the coming academic horror. I'd say to enjoy this responsibly, but that would imply that drinking this could be done responsibly, and I just can't do that in good conscience.  Stay queer!

Twinkie Wiener Sandwich

Do you want to know something totally insane?  I’ve LOST weight since I started this blog.  Granted, it’s not like I make most of this stuff more than once, but still.  I think I may be trying to see what I can get away with at this point.  In continuing with my quest to try weird food, we return once again to the land of the conveniently inexpensive, wacky snack foods.

Where did this one come from?   A little Weird Al movie called UHF. It’s gratuitously silly, and fucking awesome, and you should watch it.  In one scene Al makes and eats the titular snack.  I remember seeing it for the first time some years back and wondering what it tasted like, so why the fuck not?  Hm, Weird Al came up with a snack that is being featured in Allison’s queer blog.  Maybe it’s fate.

You need:

Twinkies: Big thanks to my friend Emi for getting them for me!

Hot dogs

Cheese whiz

Total cost: $1 - $10

It’s probably in your best interest to cook the hot dog first, but who am I to squelch your spirit?  There’s no need for words here. Let’s just watch the master.

You know, I read somewhere that Weird Al actually does enjoy these in real life. 

IT TASTES LIKE A CORNDOG WITH CREAM! :O

Holy shit…wow.  I think I just ate the platonic ideal of America.  This is the exactly the kind of grossly overindulgent, heart-attack-and-self-loathing-inducing, trashy, sugary, low class, lazy, unhealthy, fucking MIRACLE of the human mind that deserves a place on my blog!  Make this now, and then never ever do it again unless you lead an active lifestyle and generally eat right.  Oh, and you saw how he dunked it in milk?  That made it better!  Ok, maybe next week I’ll make something a little healthier.  Stay queer!

Rich Kid Prison Spread

For this post, I was actually inspired by the sickening commercialization of St Mark’s Place.  In the spirit of making things safer and more accessible to sheltered, rich, jerks at the expense of what made it cool in the first place, I’m going to take the prison spread recipe and get my gentrification on.  Ideally I would have gone to Whole Foods for the ingredients but, fittingly enough, it’s currently a bit out of my price range.  Ouch.  I’m going into this expecting it to be good.  I don’t know if I will have that wonderful decadence factor, but it will be healthier and with better, if more expensive, ingredients, so really I’m improvi- OH FUCK IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING HERE! (p.s.: This post only has the "prison food" tag to make searching for it easier.)

Ahem.

Anyway, you need:

Charmingly ethnic queso dip

Gourmet spicy Soy and flaxseed chips

Authentic canned sockeye salmon

Genuine Trader Ming’s Pad Thai

Optional: Hot sauce and spices.

Cost: about $10 - $20

Boil some water.  In a resealable container (for authenticity), combine the pad thai noodles (set the sauce aside for now)

the salmon

queso dip to your taste 

and a few ground up chips.  Hand grind the chips, just like the little people do. It'll show everyone how down to Earth you are, even if you do live in a $8000 a month apartment in Manhattan.

Add just enough water to cover it and mix it up a little bit.  Now seal the container and wrap in it in an L.L.Bean  sleeping bag or an ironically hideous sweater to cook.  Actually, the noodles are a bit thick for that so you can just boil it for a few minutes in a pot or one of those charming little electric tea kettles if you’d rather.

Drain off the excess water carefully, mix in the pad thai sauce and spices of your choice.  I added some habanero hot sauce and garlic powder.

Sweet, spicy, and cheesy.  It still feels decadent, but not in the same way.  It’s quite good, but it isn’t the cheesy mess of sodium that prison spread is.  Doesn’t look any prettier either.  I think the other recipes are a bit better, but my palette may just be unrefined or  damaged from all the stuff I’ve consumed for this blog.  Stay queer and kill yuppies!

Imp Eyes

Well, science damn it!  Three weeks without an update! I was kicking myself the whole time, I swear.  I’m doing something Halloween-ish themed 49 weeks early.  You’re welcome.

While sitting in class like a month ago, I was struck with an idea for a blog post.  (Yes, I’ve been sitting on this the whole time.  The idea well has not run dry) It’d not really something you could give to trick-or-treaters, but it could be fun (if unappetizing) to have a tray of these at a party.

You need:

Peanut butter cups

M & Ms

1 lb of ground beef

Total cost: $1 - $10

Roll the ground beef into balls and press an indent into them.  Ground beef puffs up as it cooks so make it pretty deep.

Now cook them in an oven to your desired done-ness.  The gristle and fat will pool in the indent, so flip them over about halfway through cooking.  It took me about 20 minutes at 400, but I suspect my oven may not be working properly.

Remove the chocolate from the top of the peanut butter cup and place one in each indent.  The beef will still be hot so give it a minute for it to melt into the beef a bit.

Now press and m & m into the “iris”.

The beef, chocolate, and peanut butter taste good together. The sweetness of the peanut butter cup might be a bit much, but it doesn't overpower the beef.  Also, I gotta say, I find this wonderfully aesthetically pleasing.  It looks gross and sloppy, and that just screams Halloween to me.  For added effect and flavor, maybe it could be served in a dish of ketchup or flecked with hot sauce.  I thought up a few variations on it too.  Maybe I’ll make a few sometime.  I declare this a success! They all said I was mad when I told them that I wanted to combine beef and candy!  Well, who’s mad now!?  Stay queer, kids.  Stay queer.

Spicy Crab and Pineapple Omlette

I was going to do something Halloween-themed, since it’s my favorite holiday.  Unfortunately, my schedule has been more crazy than usual.  In fact, I actually made the dish for this post over a week ago, I just haven’t had the time to write something up. Expect something Halloween-themed (or at least filled with candy) next week.

I decided to try a little crossover of Caribbean and omelette this time. Caribbean often combines fruit and seafood to delicious effect. I see no reason why it shouldn't be a part of breakfast.

You need:

Crab (canned is fine): 3.29

Cheese: 1.79

Eggs: 1.79

Salt and pepper to your taste

Hot sauce: 1.29

Total cost:  Less than 10 bucks.

More seafood, more omlettes, as it should be.  It may seem like I’m being lazy and cheap, but that’s just because I am.  Now, this recipe is very similar to the eelmlette, but there is a fundamental difference.   Step 2 of the eelmlette is “add eel”, whereas step two of this recipe is “Add pineapple hot sauce, cheese and crab.”.  You will notice that none of those things are eel.  (We will ignore for now that the eel wasn’t actually eel either.)

Ok.  Step 1: Start making an omlette.

Step 2: Add pineapple hot sauce, cheese and crab.

Step 3: Finish making omlette.  

Those of you who live in temperate, sub-tropical or tropical areas with access to the ocean will probably be totally unsurprised to hear that hot sauce, crab, and pineapple all taste very nice together.  Those of you who do not, are allergic to shellfish or who scream like a little girl who just stepped on a worm when presented with any cuisine more exotic than a corndog, may be a bit surprised.  (Also, if you’re in the latter category then kindly fuck off back to mommy’s kitchen.  This blog is for those of us who ate sandwiches with the crust on as kids and like our orange juice with extra pulp, bitch!)  The pineapple gives you a nice little burst of juice whenever you bite into a chunk and mixes quite nicely with the hot sauce and cheese, although the pineapple juice can make it a little runny.  I like the texture of the crab meat and the flavor is pretty subtle.  I guess I just didn’t use enough crab.  Also, it made my girlfriend throw up in her mouth. It’s her own fault though, she’s a vegetarian and she watched me make it, so she should have known better.  That’ll teach her to be supportive!  So yeah, sorry for the lateness and brevity.  I just finished with my midterms and I have a proposal due tomorrow. (The cash monies!  I needs them so bad!)  Happy Halloween everyone!  Eat loads of candy, get drunk, and stay queer!

Eelmelette

I continue my campaign of destruction against the young and unborn this week.  Why?  Because I found this in a grocery store:

 

You don't see that every day.  Also, it’s supposed to be spicy.  Good enough for me.  What better way to try them out than to smother them in congealed milk and lovingly wrap them up in a layer of chicken menstruation?  They look kind of like giant pin worms.

 

You need:

Eggs

Cheese

Baby eel

Total: $1 - $10

I usually don’t add milk to omlettes.  The chef in Deep Blue Sea discourages it at one point in the film, and any black, comedy relief character who manages to survive in a film about giant, monster sharks probably knows what’s up.  That’s not why I usually don’t use milk, it’s just that you can’t argue with that kind of logic.

So yeah, here we go.

STEP 1: Start to make an omlette.

STEP 2: Add eel.

STEP 3: Finish making the omlette.

It seems that more and more of my posts contain foods that conceal horrible secrets. Unfortunately, my pics got deleted.

It has a weak sweet and fishy flavor but it tastes really good with the cheese and some red pepper.  The texture isn’t weird or nasty at all.  They feel sort of like soft, short pieces of cooked spaghetti.  I thought actually having one in my mouth would feel gross or something but it’s really fine. 'Twas a fine eelmlette indeed.

Ok, confession time: it’s not REALLY eel.  It’s “Eelbroods of Surimi”.  Surimi is made of fish, there’s no eel in it.  Interestingly enough it lists “natural aroma of eel and ink” in the ingredients though.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s still weird. Besides, why spoil the illusion before the very end of the post?  Where’s the fun in that?  Also, I bought it before I realized that, so there’s that too,  Stay queer!

Seafood Salad Sandwich

I am tired as HELL this week.  Having discovered that roughly 40% of my food has gone bad, I think I’ll just kick back with a sandwich.  I really like seafood, so a nice seafood salad should do the trick.

Bee tee dubs, guess what you can just buy whenever? Did you guess "baby octopus"? Well done!

You need:

Flying fish roe

Baby octopus

Some of that fish cake log from the last post

Mayo

Onion

Red Pepper

Black pepper

Hamburger buns

Total cost: $10 - $20

You didn’t think I’d just pussy out and use canned tuna or something, right?  In all seriousness, I find myself using fish roe more and more in my everyday cooking when I can afford it. You may be wondering “How do I tell flying fish eggs apart from other kinds, you nasty, fucking, psycho?”  Flying fish row are tiny, orange eggs.  They’re usually on California rolls.

Normally, butchering the infants of most animals isn’t that hard but, with the octopus, you need a really sharp knife because these things are rubbery and hard to cut. Just chop them as coarsely or finely as you’d like.  Chop some onion and red pepper while you’re at it.  Afterwards, rip up some fish cake and mix it with the octopus, mayo, veggies and spice.

Kinda looks like it's missing something, doesn't it?  Add a nice big spoonful or two of fish eggs.

 Perfect.  Now slap that crazy mess on a bun.

This is fucking awesome.  It’s the best seafood salad I’ve ever had.  It’s kinda like imitation crab salad with lots of sweet little bubbles.  The octopus is tasty too, but it’s hard to describe it other than “it tastes like octopus”.  I don’t think it would be nearly as enjoyable without some crunchy vegetables in it.  The flavor is good by itself, but the texture would be a little boring without the pepper and onion.  I find myself consuming the unborn and young more than usual lately.  I’m also on my period.  Coincidence or my own brand of delicious revenge?  Either way, stay queer!

Fish Cake Scramble

You can apparently buy Asian fish cakes in the form of a long, thin loaf, kind of like a pepperoni.

 

 Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have bought this if I hadn’t seen Suicide Club for the first time recently.  (There’s a scene where a woman is chopping up something that looks similar to this.)

"Mommy's funny."

It’s precooked so you can eat it cold. It tastes a bit like imitation crab, which makes sense because they’re both made from pollock.  (Isn’t it weird that I think that Pollock tastes like imitation crab and not the other way around?  That’s weird to me.)  The texture is dry and kinda grainy.  Nothing special on its own, but whatever.

As with almost all of my other posts, I don’t really know what to do with it.  I do, however, know that I could go for a tofu scramble, so some scrambled fish cake surely wouldn’t be amiss.

You need:

Fish cake

Cooking oil

Barbecue sauce

Whatever veggies you like

Optional: cheyenne pepper:

Total cost: $10 - $20

Heat some oil in  skillet at medium temperature.  Cut up about 7 oz of the fish cake and remove the casing, if need be.   

Then you can just knead it with your hands a bit to break it up.  

Chop up whatever veggies you want.  

Pictured: 2 mushrooms, a brussel sprout and about an ounce of onion.

Mix the veggies and fish cake together and add cheyenne pepper to your taste.  Transfer the mixture to the pan and saute until the veggies are tender.  Add barbecue sauce to your taste during frying.  Basically it’s done when the veggies are.

Weird but good.  It’s got the soft texture of lox, but the barbecue sauce and onion sort of interact with the fish flavor to make it taste a bit like pickled herring. The brussel sprouts have a very subtle flavor that works surprisingly well with the dish and the mushrooms add a nice bit of texture to it.  Not bad for a first try.I’d also like to thank my girlfriend for doing the photography for this post (even if she did voice her disgust every step of the way and initially reacted to my blog with shock and horror).  Stay queer!

Prawn Chips

This post is actually due to a happy accident because when I bought this...

...I was under the impression that the box contained potato chips or kernels flavored like shrimp.  I assumed that the choice of packaging was just a little marketing quirk.  Instead, I got this:

 

That’ll teach me no not read food packaging properly.  A brief scan of the back of the box reveals that you have to fry them. I’ve seen loads of weird flavored snacks in Asian grocery stores before, but never something like this.  Don’t you buy chips so you don’t have to cook?  That’s half the reason why people tend to stock up on chips before they get drunk.  If you rolled these out in the middle of a party it’d probably result in brns.  Although I suppose you could always relegate the actual frying to that one shirtless, drunk guy who tends to show up at gatherings of twenty-somethings and won’t stop yelling “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and that no one actually invited; he just thinks all parties are open and the beer is always free cuz that’s how it works in college movies and who will invariable sulk off, muttering insults under his breath like the naïve, entitled, little mommy’s boy shit he is when told to leave, despite the fact that there was absolutely no way he was going to hook up with any of the women there without the aid of rohypnol.  Then again, those guys tend to be terrible cooks, so you run the risk of a grease fire breaking out.

You need

Prawn chips

Oil

Total cost: $1 - $10

Heat some oil over medium heat. The chips are really thin but you want to be sure that they’ll be covered since the box says that you’re supposed to deep fry them. The actual frying is surprisingly cool. In a few seconds they puffed up, became opaque and lost some color.   

Transfer them to some paper towels to let them drain. 

Cool!  It’s like a puffed potato chip or a soft rice cake.  Don’t worry if a chip hasn’t puffed completely.  Any spots that look uncooked are just a bit crunchier, that’s all.  They have a buttery taste with a slight hint of prawn.  It can be a bit hard to notice at first but the more you eat the stronger it is. I approve. At first I was slightly annoyed that I’d have to fry them myself but I really like how they’re warm and kind of oily.  It's kind of cool that I have freshly fried chips too. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to market chips that you have to fry up yourself, but I guess that why I’m not rubbing shoulders with the snack food barons.  Stay queer!

Durian Fruit: Raw and Fried

Sorry for the hiatus.  I moved and started grad school so I was a bit busy with getting settled and all that.  I've decided that the break is over, and now I'm ready to really knuckle down and eat weird things for the entertainment of myself and others! (Mostly myself.)

Yes, a durian fruit.  It's called the King of Fruit by some.  I'm not sure how one determines fruit hierarchy, but I'm pretty sure that if all of the fruit in the world became self aware, sprouted limbs and engaged in some sort of battle royale, the durian fruit would win without too much resistance.  Why?

Go on, guess.

The fruit in that picture weights about 5 pounds and I can't pick it up with my bare hands because the spikes are so sharp.  These things grow on trees by the way...TALL trees.  They're also notorious for their smell, which is VERY strong and generally disliked.

A tad pricy and difficult to find but I don’t mind because a) first post in two weeks, so I’ll suck it up b) my girlfriend and room mate are both in different states and won’t be subjected to the smell and c) I actually found one so yay. 

You need:

A durian fruit: I got mine for 2.09 a pound, so about 10 bucks.  Ripe durians weight between 4 and 7 lbs if I recall correctly.

Total cost: $10 - $20

I’ve actually had durian once before, about 2 or 3 years ago.  It was like vanilla pudding with a strong undertone of red onion and it smelled like rotting garbage, particularly celery.  According to a friend of mine who refused to let us eat it in her apartment, it smelled of “garbage, cat piss and bad weed.”  Pungency and flavor varies based on how ripe it is though.  There are a bunch of different kinds of durian, but only one of them is sold internationally.  Let’s see how it tastes raw first.

It smells like slightly rotted almonds.  I haven’t cracked the husk yet.  Yes, the smell permeates the husk.

The husk may look hard but it has natural seams and the spikes, while very sharp, are actually somewhat bendable. If you’re careful, you can pull the sections apart with your hands.

Yup, as I remember it!  More like custard actually.  The flesh is soft and gooey and very easy to chew.  The consistency is nice and the flavor is good, if a bit weird.  This would be a bit cloying if you eat it too fast though.  Still, it's very tasty.  Smells more strongly now but I’d actually call it aromatic and pungent, rather than saying it stinks.  It scent carries a whiff of slight over ripeness but is strongly fruity, a tad like banana actually.  Now, those chunks of flesh naturally section off into wads, each of which has a pretty big seed in them.  Remove them, it’s not hard.

Now to fry it up.  Nothing special about this recipe.  Just heat some oil over medium heat and fry until both sides are partially browned, like how you would fry a banana.

Wow, this is really good.  The outside gets firm and crunchy and the inside stays creamy.  It loses a little bit of it sweetness and some of the oniony taste is gone.  Actually, once again I’m reminded of a banana, even though this is less sweet than that.  By the way, durian is like catnip to vegans and fruitarians. They eat it by the crate-load and, if you give a group of them enough, they start to act a little it high. I've seen it happen. It's adorable. Stay queer!

Bagoong Alamang Guisado

Ah, bagoong alamang.  Utter the words “Summer fun” and it stands just below fireworks and beach parties in the minds of Americans, both young and old.   

(SPOILER: Bagoong alamang is salted shrimp fry)

“But, Allison!”, you protest, picking under ripe green mango and baby shrimp from your teeth while adjusting your cowboy hat as Bon Jovi plays in the background. “What could be more mundane?  I not only consume bagoong alamang regularly, I make it myself!”  Well, rest easy, friends!  I wouldn’t just blog about bagoong alamang!  No, this is about bagoong alamang guisado! (By the by, this just goes to show exactly how much a filthy commie my friend Lauren is because, when I told her that I made some, she accused me of making up words.)   

You need:

A sweet yellow onion

Tomatoes

Garlic

Sugar

Vinegar

Bagoong alamang (The Filipino kind if you want specifics)

Olive oil

Total cost: $10 - $20

The recipe itself is pretty simple.  If you know how to stir fry (and assuming that you’ve ever cooked anything, you probably do) you can make this.  Bagoong alamang is very salty…very, very, very salty.  I could not possibly overstate how salty it is.  I had to make it twice because I the first time around I didn't have the tomatoes or enough vinegar and I think I almost desiccated myself.

Finely chop a half cup of onion and a half cup of tomatoes and mince three cloves of garlic.  Sautee the veggies in oil over medium heat until the tomatoes are soft, the garlic is browned and the onions are slightly translucent.  Add a cup of the bagoong alamang and three table spoons of sugar.  Add vinegar to your taste and simmer for about 10 minutes.  You want this stuff essentially reduced.  Taste it periodically and add more vinegar as necessary. Serve it over rice.

It’s a plesant sweet and salty sauce.  The tomatoes absorb the vinegar and sugar, releasing a nice burst of flavor if you get a chunk.  The bagoong alamang guisado itself has very little substance, which the rice makes up for.  This is tasty but should be used sparingly because the flavor is a bit too strong in large amounts.  I can’t quite describe the flavor beyond sweet and salty.  You know that hint of almost sweetness you get from a fresh, properly cooked shrimp?  Sort of that, kind of.  Sorry, that’s the best way I can think to describe it. Stay queer!

Canned Grass Jelly?

You know, there comes a time when you have to face your own prejudices and ethnocentrism and either admit that you were wrong or scramble to let everyone in the room know that you have friends belonging to the group you just derided, thereby absolving yourself of all blame and accusations of racism, or at least that's what your racist brain will convince you, you racist, racist. 

You know that you did something wrong.  You’re just too defensive and confused to admit it…and everyone knows. 

Where was I going with that?  Anyway, call me a stupid American, but I just never thought of grass being a dessert food, with the exception of the mint grass from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.  Apparently I was wrong.  Behold!

You need:

One can on Deluxe Grass Jelly Dessert

What’s in this?  The ingredients are listed as “water, grass jelly, sugar, mung bean, coconut sap and extracts, konjac, chickpeas and algae extracts.”

Huh.

I’m not entirely sure what country grass jelly is from.  My extensive study of Asian characters (which consists entirely of watching the occasional dubbed anime and the opening quotes from Sun Tzu in the beginning of Romance of The Three Kingdoms 8) fails me, so I’m going to turn to the internet for assistance.  Ok, according to Wikipedia, grass jelly hails from Taiwan, China, Hong Kong and Southeast Asia.  It comes with its own spoon too. Let’s get this bitch into a bowl and see how it is.

Oh my God.

I’ve never had a dessert remind me of a festering wound before.  First time for everything, I guess.  I’m feeling…hesitant.  I think it's the color that's putting me off. It smells kinda like wheat grass.

OOOOOOH WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIRD.

The gelatin itself has a strange, sweetish, almost tea-like flavor.  There’s almost a hint of…honey?  The chickpeas taste as you would expect them too.  I think these cubes in here are konjac and they’re like really chewy gelatin.  The mung beans just sort of…sit there tasting like mung beans.  I don’t understand.  A bunch of bland stuff in a weirdly sweet gelatin.  I’m sure it’s good for you but it feels like I’m eating a bowl of condiment.  Like this is supposed to go on something else.  I can’t finish this.  It’s not “bad” per se, it’s just really strange to my pallet. I'm sure that properly prepared grass jelly is better though. I'm not soured to the dish, but I don't think I'll be having it from a can again any time soon. Stay queer!

The Curious Package from Colorado

Goodness!  It seems that mother has sent me a small package!  Whatever could it be?

 

Oysters?  Oh, I love oysters!  But why would mother take the trouble to mail me a tin of oysters all the way from Colorado?  What’s this?  It seems that there's something else in the oyster box.

 

Mercy me.

Yup, crickets.  These aren’t your grandfather’s crickets though.  These are bacon and cheese crickets, bitch!  These are for cool kids on the go who have to have their bacon and cheese flavor right in the crickets because they ain't got no time for slicing cheese and frying bacon between sweet jam sessions, skate boarding, and wearing sunglasses regardless of whether or not they need them! I’ve been wanting to branch out into bugs lately, so this is as good a start as any. 

It’s got a nutty flavor to it and it’s very crunchy.  It's a bit like a dried soybean actually.  The hint of cheese is nice, but I don't really taste any bacon.  If I gave this to someone who was blindfolded they’d probably like it fine.  It’s not gross and it doesn’t have a weird texture or anything. That's all I really have to say about them but it’d be a shame to end so briefly.  Let’s see how it stacks up with some other foods.

OREO

No noticeable difference other than a faint nutty flavor.  If you smush it down, it doesn’t look any different from a regular oreo.  Not bad for a practical joke.

Mustard

Mustard + cheese + cricket = delightful!

Ice cream

The texture reminds me of praline crunch ice cream and it only had a faint aftertaste.  Again, not bad for a practical joke.  These things are like whoopie cushion of the animal kingdom.

Tuna

Not at all bad but canned tuna that’s crunchy is somewhat unsettling, especially considering the redundancy of adding bugs to tuna.  Stay queer!